Overheard my 11 y/o daughter record her voicemail greeting: “Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. When you hear the beep, hang up and send me a text.” This generation gets it.
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when you see warnings on the 3D glasses from the movies that says “do not use to view eclipse” that’s because of me
🎶I Heard Mommy Screaming at Santa Claus🎶
– assembling my bike… I was about 6
Homophobia isnt much about fear, true, but I wish it was more like Arachnaphobia(I heard that every year in your sleep you swallow 7 gays)
You read for a part, you feel good about it, you feel confident, then they cast Ben Affleck.
Why is America trying to bomb the lady who lives in my iPhone she seems nice
Hahahaha, no I’m not pregnant, I “eat for two” everyday. Enjoy your last summer on Earth, neighbor, you have made a vengeful enemy.
Villian: one false move and you’re history
Me: ok wait does that mean one true move and I’m the future? *eyes welling up* Very inspiring sir thank you
Bruises are your bodies way of reminding you that you should nap more and gallivant less.
Me: *To my 5YO* Can I have your Twix? Those were my favorite at your age.
5YO: They used to make Twix when the world first started?
I think people would be more into libraries if you didn’t get your card revoked every time you climb to the top of the bookshelf to reach for an ancient spellbook thereby knocking one shelf into another and so forth in a domino-like fashion until the entire library is wreckage
[hunting]
DAD: dont scare him
ME: did u know we dump 16 tons of sewage into our waters every minute
DEER: holy shit
DAD: what did i just say
The directions to this wedding are in kilometers. I’m either going to be way early or way late.
If the first rule of fight club is not talking about fight club, how did fight club ever get off the ground?
Sex in movies is so fake because they never show the part where I ask him to stop for a minute because I’m out of shape and out of breath.
these can’t be my only options
Dear young cashier,
$100.89 is not pronounced $189.
Signed, a lady you scared
Chores give kids a sense of responsibility while teaching relevant life skills such as procrastination.
So many recipes say they can be made with stuff you definitely have in your kitchen already, but then none of them ever call for expired sour cream or the giant extra thing of red pepper flakes you bought by accident.
Person: how does writing work?
Writer: well you type & you delete. You rethink. Then you do 187 min of research & correct it. You reread & wonder if you have a grasp of English. Then you revise
Person: then you’re done with the book?
Writer: then you move to the next sentence
I’m gonna tell the kids my diet dessert bars are full of broccoli so they won’t eat them
Bodyguard Idea:
Clowns. No one will come anywhere near you.
If i had 5 pancakes and someone asked for 2, I’d still have 5 pancakes.
Per Wikipedia, there are two kinds of scorpions. One can sting and kill you like a spider, the other can sing and rock you like a hurricane
Our government needs REFORM, we need to make it ILLEGAL to put fake pockets on women’s clothing
merriam-webster followed and then unfollowed me. not very definitive of them
Some generations will never know having to drive by someone’s house to see if they’re home.
{The Mothburbs}
Mom: Oh no!
Dad: What?
Mom: 16 has that glow about her
Dad: Didn’t you have the talk??
Mom: Sure but you remember your first time?
Dad sighs: Wild horses still can’t keep me away from light bulbs
“Please, take me out to dinner!”
“I don’t date married women, sorry.”
“I’m your wife!”
“No exceptions!”
If they can put a man on the moon they can make a pair of glasses that scream before you sit on them
No one cares if you take an apple or yogurt from the hotel breakfast but apparently if you start filling your ice bucket with bacon it suddenly becomes an issue.