overheard my 7yo telling a friend he speaks Italian but what the friend doesn’t know is to my son speaking Italian just means shouting “ITSA ME! MARIO!”
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One time I was talking to a really cute med student, we were flirting and laughing and it all looked promising. Then I sat down on a chair and it collapsed under me and shattered.
Anyway that was 26 years ago and I haven’t sat down since.
“I’m so tired of being poor and unemployed,” says the TV show character who wears a new designer outfit in every scene
If you work for UPS or FedEx, you speak Parceltongue.
every day of my adult life I am grateful that I had only limited ways to put my ideas on the internet as a young person
Too easy.
GUY: Hey, hold the elevator!
ME: *laughs to myself as I don’t hold the elevator* It’s the little things that make life worth living.*12 hours later*
GUY: *who is apparently building maintenance* I was trying to warn you it was broken.
[first day as a hairdresser]
customer: can you take off a foot?
me: *sharpening axe* no problem
*stepping on the moon’s surface wearing socks* Oh god dammit
familiarity breeds contempt yes but honestly what doesn’t
Her: Would you like a complimentary orange juice with your breakfast?
Me: No, I’d like the rude, insulting orange juice, please.
learn to swear in every language by watching the world cup at your local bar
I’d make an excellent cavewoman because I can finger paint and light fires.
I like to use the Ouija board to pester my dead husbands.
Me: can I get a breakfast burrito
Waiter: no breakfast after 11
Me: can I get a regular burrito with eggs
Waiter: no eggs after 11
Me: can I get a regular burrito with chicken
Waiter: sur—
Me: —pre born
︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎
Cop: Do you have any drugs in the car?
Me: Absolutely not. Trust me, I’ve looked.
Threw my garbage in the dumpster noticed I didn’t have my wallet. After looking everywhere, I fished out the garbage bag with an ice scraper. Found my wallet in the garbage but my keys fell in. After considerable more effort I have my keys. And I’ve only been outside 20 mins!
Me: I got you a Butler to help out around the house.
Wife: I specifically said do not get me a Butler.
Me: sorry man, she’s not interested.
Gerard Butler: [sadly] very good Sir.
The Maze Runner. #MazeRunner
It’s so hot outside, Kermit just replaced Miss Piggy’s sunscreen with honey glaze
Ran into an ex-girlfriend. We talked, exchanged info, and she said her “insurance would call” me. Someones still carrying a torch!
There are too many movies about vampire hunters and not enough about vampire gatherers.
My best dating advice is to wait after you have two kids and a house before you tell her you speak elvish.
The first Hobbit movie was half the book. The second, about a quarter. In the sixth instalment, the group has a 3 hour breakfast and a nap.
“SAY IT.”
“I’m a dirty little plant.”
“And what do you want?”
“I want you to water me.”
“I’m gonna water you so hard.”
“That’s how I like it.”
Walked up to 2 guys talking business and told them “get a conference room!”
ac guy: when your air filter is dirty you
me: flip it around.
ac guy: no.
Are black guys the ones with big dicks?
Because if so, I think I might be a black guy.
Apparently…
Border Security does NOT think it’s funny when you reply,“I’m hungry”
when they ask you if you have anything to declare.