overheard my 7yo telling a friend he speaks Italian but what the friend doesn’t know is to my son speaking Italian just means shouting “ITSA ME! MARIO!”
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True?
I like to put a few lawnmowers in the back of my truck and follow landscapers all day just to make them nervous
I use subtitles so if I learn anything interesting I can say “I was reading about” instead of “I saw on an episode of Love is Blind”
All I’m saying is what kind of father would encourage a wayward son to carry on?
I’m hearing terrible scratching noises coming from inside my walls and it better be demons because I can’t afford it to be squirrels right now
universe: you deserve a break
me: wow thanks
universe: *winks*
me: *tumbles down the stairs*
My newest passion is making up sex positions when weird dudes ask my favorite. I’m a big fan of the Flying Lacrosse Kick, but I also really like the Tightrope Nanny.
The final exam for police service dogs to remain calm in front of a cat, Germany, 1987.
Me: I hope people will come visit my skeleton after I die
Them: OH MY GOD will you just say “cemetery”
“My dog took 20 minutes to find a spot to poop this morning” is, apparently, not a good response to “Why are you late?” and “Why do you only have makeup on one eye?”
Genie: You have one wish left… use it wisely.
My dumb brain: I wish to know why sandwiches taste better when cut diagonally.
I just *puff* completed a [leans on wall to steady myself] 5km run in *puff* 30 minutes for the [wipes bucket of sweat from face] first time ever [adds “fit” to bio before collapsing]
RAPUNZEL: oh no I’m out of hair
JOHNNY DEPP: *unraveling scarves* I got this
[hospital]
“I’m afraid it’s bad news. Your husband will never walk again”
“Oh God, he’s paralysed?”
“No, someone’s bought him rollerblades”
Let’s Go
[two atoms side-to-side on a DNA chain]
“Hi.”
“Hi. U look familiar. Were u on A3564β before it went supernova?”
“Yes.”
“U still owe me $20.”
Thanks for coming to my TED talk.
You didn’t say anything.
Yes, you’re welcome.
Oh OK thanks for the tip, I was actually planning on letting the bed bugs bite but good call
well, that freaky sound coming from the basement was just the pipes going wonky
of course, I didn’t have a basement this morning, so that’s a whole different problem
I’m calling the cops.
Can I put on a tinder account that I’ve never lost at Wordle, or is that too hot?
JON BON JOVI: Keep the faith
ME: Um, we’re gonna need to do more than that to beat this virus
JON: Bad medicine is what I need
ME: Can someone take Jon home please
me: do you mind i can’t go with other people in the room
cellmate: buddy i don’t know what to tell you
Gonna start feeding my dog condoms, so when she poops they’re already in tiny little bags!
A lorry carrying pens, rulers and compasses has overturned on the M1.
Traffic is currently stationery in both directions.
As we start gaining speed in the bobsled, I realize it was a mistake to bullshit my way into this.
[trying to make it work with this really good looking girl that I have nothing in common with] ok what’s your 12th favourite juice?
Letters from overnight camp be like:
-I am having the best time
-I hate camp I want to come home
-I never want to leave ever
-Please come get me
-Can I extend
[being chased by a murderer] can we slow down i’m not wearing a bra