overheard my 7yo telling a friend he speaks Italian but what the friend doesn’t know is to my son speaking Italian just means shouting “ITSA ME! MARIO!”
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Everyone preaches body acceptance, until you show up naked at the company picnic.
pirate: walk the plank
someone’s dad: is this teak?
Therapist: How are you feeling?
Me: Rage
Therapist: What is bringing you rage?
Me: My kids, my husband, the sound the refrigerator makes, the endless laundry, zoom calls and the debilitating fear of contracting Covid-19. Oh and I miss Starbucks and the outside world.
[muffled voice] I love what you’ve done with your trunk.
FUN GAME: when someone tells you the name of their new baby, repeat it back to them, with their surname, and say “Like the murderer?!”
My kid said that she doesn’t have diarrhea, but she might have alittlesickarrhea
An 800 number calls me
ME: UGHHH!
The 800 number immediately hangs up
ME: (sad) hey
I’m a gentleman, so I when I see a woman about to open a door, I sprint up and tackle her back, so a man can open it for her.
Mom: my friend wants to set you up with her son, he runs a hedge fund
Me, who heard hedgehog fund: that sounds adorable
3-year-old: Daddy, I love you *hugs me*
Me: I love y- Did you wipe your mouth on my shirt?
Most of fatherhood is just being a good napkin.
Me: Wow that is spicy. Wooo! *fanning mouth* What is it called?
Her: Sparkling water.
Mary: I’m pregnant
Joseph: but how you’re a virgin
Mary: oh god
Joseph: okay makes sense
Scientists recently discovered T-Rex hunted in packs, confirming once again that we should all send that asteroid a thank you card.
It’s October so I refuse to kill any spiders in my house in hopes that they do the Halloween decorating for me.
Don’t hand me the good china. That’s a leap of faith you’ll regret.
Twitter. Finally an app that makes people stop at yellow lights.
I’d prob date Pete Davidson too if Instagram showed me a targeted ad for him more than 3x
My husband sent me a text using just emojis and it’s weird, you would think he would know by now that I don’t even like eggplant.
My son doesn’t always throw up, but when he does, he’s already in bed.
Kid’s tiny friend: My mom sent me here as she is cleaning our house.
My kid: why is she cleaning, is anyone visiting?
OK so apparently “psychosis” is one word, and doesn’t specifically refer to my female sibling.
911: What is your emergency?
Me: I love you.911: Hang up.
Me: No you hang up.911: Stop.
Me: This is so us.
Nothing is guaranteed to be less funny than when an NPR host says, “You know, it’s funny…”
Him: I want a million dollars
Genie: Like hell u do, 🤣🤣, here’s a years free subscription of NetflixMe: I want my kid to keep all his toys properly
Genie:
Genie: How about a million dollars instead
women showering in movie: slowly rubbing her soapy thighs.
women showering in real life: firing snot outta our noses like angry dragons.
[texting]
her: 🍆+🍑
me: *shows up with eggplant parmesan and peach pie*
her: YES!!!!
Someday, maybe a year or a decade from now, we’ll look back on this day and think, “Crap I completely forgot to pick up my kid from daycare.”
Girls are girls. They will wait for your reply without texting you!
Ever say hi to someone and immediately regret it because now you know you have to say hi to them forever?
mom: you’re grounded
me: i can’t wait until i’m an adult and no one can do that to me
[20 years later]
amazon: your package will arrive between 8am and 6pm