overheard my 7yo telling a friend he speaks Italian but what the friend doesn’t know is to my son speaking Italian just means shouting “ITSA ME! MARIO!”
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People will say stuff like “well at least if WWIII happens I won’t have to go to work…” I think in your heart you know that’s not true
The eyes are the window to the soul which is why I’m throwing pebbles at your face.
a trio of sheep gather to watch as you sit upon the fence to eat your lunch
Not to spoil the eclipse for y’all but Bella chooses Edward lol
Son won’t eat sandwich I made him but will lick dog bowl
Apparently I pack an apple in my 5 year old’s lunch so it can get out of the house for a few hours.
My 3 yr old nephew: I learned numbers at school today.
Me: Cool, tell me a number you learned.
3: P & H
Me: this new math is challenging
Um, my eyes are up here.
-giraffes
[nervously speeding up as I drive my date past a Taco Bell]
SIRI: At frequent destination. Set this address as ‘Home’ address?
What idiot named it “proposing marriage” and not “engaging the enemy”?
[posing for mugshot]
“now turn forward”
[flash]
lemme see
Occam’s razor: the simplest answer is most often correct
Occam’s toothbrush: show off
Children are so giving. For example, my kids gave me a cold.
I named my third child Pi, because having that many kids seemed irrational.
*leaves the kids w/ a new babysitter
*calls to check on the sitter
friend: you watch anything good lately?
me: yeah a documentary about this serial killer that lured children into his house and killed them in elaborate ways
friend: who
me: William Wonka
13 years of marriage and my husband has never asked me to make him a salad
When does he ask for one? During a pandemic when we’ve run out of vegetables and grocery pick up is in three days
Apparently, I just ate 39 servings of Tic – Tacs.
Please don’t ask her what she wants for Valentine’s day. She’ll say she wants nothing. You’ll believe her and we both know how it’s going to end.
[restaurant]
date: this chicken is a little dry
me: I think my burger‘s undercooked
waiter: how is everything
me: it’s great
date: so good
My sister’s boyfriend is visiting from England and we’re going to the driving range. What are the English rules of golf. Do I have to fight him or what.
CW: It’s 11:11 make a wish.
Me: I wish I could throw a clock at your face.
You know a guy is a creep if he shelves American Psycho with “how-to books.”
Every animal: how will we see things that are behind us?
God: just turn around
Almost every animal: ok
Owl: I absolutely will not
What idiot decided to call them meteorologists and not Storm Troopers
Every hotel is like: “Yes we’ll have tiny bars of soap and bottles of shampoo waiting for you but TOOTHPASTE IS WHERE WE DRAW THE LINE!!!”
Youtube cooking video: and you can add a little of this if you have some lying around
Me: I promise you I do not
Hurt my back in a pretty bad helicopter accident.
At my age, I really need to stretch before trying to move my hips like that.
The older I get, the more I realize nobody is better than I am.
Except people with statues of lions outside their house. They rule.
[making out in a club]
her: wanna go to the bathroom?
me: no I’ve just been thanks