Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What a Brit says when all of their hopes and dreams are crushed:

“Ah well”
“Never mind, eh”
“Wasn’t meant to be”
“Shame”
“Could be worse”
“Such is life”
“Hey ho”
“Can’t be helped”
“Mustn’t grumble”
“Right”
“It is what it is”
“I knew it”
“We’re still alive… barely”
“At least it’s not raining”
“I’ll put the kettle on”
“We’ll laugh about this one day”
“Typical”
“Bugger”

[marriage counseling]

Ginny- He always hides from our problems.

Therapist- Is this true?

Harry- *puts on invisibility cloak* No.

Gonna get a job at Starbucks and write “Chad” on every cup.

damn girl r u internet explorer cause u r not responding

I love The Wizard of Oz but all of Dorothy’s problems would have been prevented if she just kept Toto on a leash

I don’t know why Coca-Cola and Pepsi are fighting over what Santa drinks, everybody knows that big fat belly can only come from beers.

Poor Charles. Imagine being 73 years old and getting your first job.

DOG 911: what’s ur emer-

DOG: A FURRY THING IS BEHIND ME

DOG 911: can you bite it?

DOG: I CAN’T SPIN FAST ENOUGH

DOG 911: OMG

DOG: OMG

i have lived through 30 winters and i’m somehow still surprised when it gets dark before 5pm in november

“Give me your finest meal, money is of no concern.”

~ Me at McDonald’s on pay day.

I don’t know why this driver threw his hands up and asked what I was doing. I thought it was pretty clear I was cutting him off.

Basketball

Chasing a chicken around the yard for 20 minutes is my Thursday morning or as my dog refers to it,”The greatest morning in the history of the earth.”

I want to go back in time and find pre-kid me who thinks she is “so busy” and “so tired.” And I want to smack her.

the show The Witcher is incredibly unfaithful to the game. where are the shots of Henry Cavill spending 7 to 10 minutes unsuccessfully trying to climb a small wall

Cause of death: Trying to draw eyebrows on the neighbor’s cat.

ME [wakes up next to attractive woman] omg wow, I can’t even remember, how…how far did we go?

HER: [looks out bus window] 2 stops

I got in trouble for taking pictures in a museum. They caught me with four paintings under my coat.

Whenever I want my son to visit I tell him our dog keeps going in his old bedroom trying to find him.

Wrote “no thank you” on my jury duty summons and sent it back so I think I’m in the clear

Toddler: I won’t eat that lovingly prepared, absolutely delicious, gourmet meal because it’s yucky

Also Toddler: Eats 5 week old goldfish cracker from car seat and cries for more

It’s not Christmas until the stockings are hung, the tree is trimmed and Hans Gruber falls from the top of Nakatomi Plaza.

[goes back to Target just for the things I forgot]

cashier: that’ll be $337.48 and can you describe the children

Tiger Woods: cool name, scary place

you know you’re a little too deep into true crime when you call the windows in your house “points of entry.”

Guy: I’m an organist

Me: what you got against organs?

Her: What’s your type?

Me, flirting: I don’t really have a type.

Her: *checks notes* I see this is your first blood transfusion.

I’m ready to be a father now that I’ve successfully fed a goldfish for a week-he’s so happy, he’s relaxing & floating on his back…wait…

We couldn’t come up with anything better than “open-face” to describe a sandwich without a top? Open-face is what happens when you encounter a bear in the woods.

Every time I buy vegetables it’s a triumph of hope over experience.