Overheard my girls discussing how they each want 6 kids someday and “Mom will help!” so this is when I start planning my future island bartending life.
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cellmate: what are you in here for
me: [snuggling] my bunk is cold
10pm: If I fall asleep now, I can get a full eight hours of sleep.
12am: If I fall asleep now, I can get a solid six hours of sleep.
2am: If I fall asleep now, I can still get four hours of sleep.
4am: If I fall asleep now, I can hopeful get two hours of sleep.
6am: If I FML
They’re the worst 😩
I don’t need a boyfriend so much as I need someone to remind me I’m baking cookies when I wander off to start something else
18: Thanks for the nuggets.
Me: I didn’t buy you nuggets.
18: Well 19 said she didn’t either, so how did the get in my room? Someone could have broken in.
Me: Yes and left you a 20 piece with ranch, that has been happening a lot on this street.
Somehow, going into The Dollar Store and asking for a price check just never gets old.
Dog: I am more loyal, intelligent, and social
Cat:
Dog: I am faster, stronger, and more dangerous
Cat:
*power goes out*
Dog: *panics and runs directly into the wall in the dark, knocking himself out cold*
Cat: you were saying
scientist: the universe is 14 billion yrs old
me: i believe it
waiter: this plate is hot
me: yeah right *touches it*
Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious fiery car crashes.
Girlfriend mentioned she was lacking iron in her diet.
I gave her all my wrinkled shirts.
And that’s how the fight started.
If it wasn’t for doing triple jump in high school, I wouldn’t be able to put on jeans.
Husband; Who was at the door?
Me: The neighbors. They invited us over for drinks later. They said to come by at 6:37.
Husband: Do you think they meant 6:30? 7?
Me:
Husband:
Me: Yeah, that does make more sense.
bottle cap guy is just phoning it in at this point
Me : Dating is tough. Lots of weirdos out there ..
Me on first Date : so here’s everything I know about the Jonestown massacre.!
Not everyone was Kung foo fighting
I was just trying to get out of my sports bra
HER: let’s be open about how we really feel. I’ll go first I love you.
ME: Ok well… I really, really, don’t want Naruto to end
HER: wtf?
Losing a loved one during the holidays is tough. My dad died during Toyotathon
Nothing makes me feel more beautiful than when the woman waxing my eyebrows asks if I want my moustache done too.
My friend said she’d bring a harmonica over for my daughter. What’s the fastest way to get a restraining order?
My boss called in sick of me
if you count cows instead of sheep to try and fall asleep it’s probably pasture bedtime (i’m so sorry)
Babies who need to wear glasses creep me out. it’s like they are trying to act smarter than me or something, I don’t like it
Most people: I guess balloons are ok
Me:
Tide Pods? When I was a kid we ate normal things like dog biscuits.
“Why are these little movies interrupting my movie?”
My kid, experiencing broadcast television and its commercials for the first time.
Saw a goth teenager walking a hyperactive chihuahua and if they can be friends, anyone can.
my niece is 6 and she hates wearing jeans because she hates the zippers and how they scrunch up. but she doesn’t call them jeans, she calls them “weiner pants” and i wish i didn’t find that out as she yelled it in the store.
date: what do you do
me: i run a non-profit
date: which charity?
me: oh…no i’m just a terrible hot dog salesman
It’s like these people at the liquor store have never seen somebody pay with this much change