Overheard my girls discussing how they each want 6 kids someday and “Mom will help!” so this is when I start planning my future island bartending life.
You Might Also Like
I don’t friendzone people. I relationshipzone them. Want to be friends? Too bad we are dating.
Genie: you get three wishes
Dog: I wish I was inside
Genie: two wishes
Dog: I wish I was outside
Genie: one wish
Dog:
Genie:
Dog: I wish I was inside
CLASSIC ROCK DJ: What should I play?
ANGEL ON HIS SHOULDER: Wow, so many options! Decades of music and thousands of bands to choose from!
DEVIL ON HIS SHOULDER: What about the same 14 songs over and over again?
People often wonder if Tom and Jerry were enemies offscreen, as well. According to Tom, “sort of.”
I look after plant pots and hanging baskets for celebrities, which means I tend to shrub holders with the rich and famous.
Her: Did you see that science has developed bed sheets you never have to wash?
Me: Huh. I thought I already owned them.
6yo: “Mom, I’m excited that it’s my first eclipse, but I’m sad that it’s your last.” 💀
Smoking will kill you. Bacon is bad for you.
But smoking bacon will cure it.
[watching Jaws]
Me: Which ones Jaws
Girlfriend: Who do u think?
Me: (noticing all of the characters so far have jaws) Idk its hard 2 tell
[Quiz show]
Host: “Stephen that is the… CORRECT ANSWER!!”
Me: “Oh my. I can’t believe it!”
Host: “Congratulations! You have won Who Wants to Win a Million Bears!”
Me: “This is amaz- what did you just say?”
Surprised my wife with freshly washed towels. She didn’t ask for it but when she opened the linen closet four towels fell on her
10yo just came to me, so excited to share about a “new artist” he discovered who sounds “just like Alexander Hamilton.”
Anyways it was Eminem.
[On the phone with my bookie]
Put it all on Jesus and let it ride
fixed it
8 out of 10 ladies at a karaoke bar who sing,“I Will Survive,” are hoping the enemies who wronged them are in the audience.
I’d hang this in my house.
WHY ARE THEY STILL PLAYING CHRISTMAS COMMERCIALS?
Me watching recorded TV shows
It’s an unspoken rule on garbage day that pajamaed neighbors pretend not to see each other.
my love language is feeding you rotisserie chickens with my bare hands at 4am while you’re asleep.
word gets around the prison that i’ve been digging a tunnel. one night they follow me down and find me in my ball pit. they don’t seem to understand freedom
Someone wrote that today is like waiting for the results of a biopsy, except half your family hopes it’s cancer.
My husband has been singing Mambo Number 5 for an hour. If he keeps this up, his next tune will be Divorce Number 1.
They say money can’t buy love but this tray of lasagna begs to differ.
When I pack too much for a short trip.
The only downside of hiring a maid is having to thoroughly clean the whole house the night before she comes so she “doesn’t think the place is a mess.”
“If we don’t know a word for something, why can’t we just make one up?” he remarked confusatorily.
If you think you’re having a bad day, the lady who took my order in the drive-thru asked me if my order was to go.
Babies have little hands and odd sleep schedules which is why my gym for buff infants has miniature equipment and stays open 24hrs.
🎵Whooooaaaa, I’m halfway therrreee
WHOOOAAAA, LOSING ALL MY HAIRRRR
Take this wig, we’ll fake it I swearrrrr
WHOAOHH, LOSING ALL MY HAIRRR🎶
*gets crushed by a bus*
*checks to see if phone is intact*