Overheard my girls discussing how they each want 6 kids someday and “Mom will help!” so this is when I start planning my future island bartending life.
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Clueless is my favorite movie about how rich people have real hard problems too
Everyone fondly remembers the ’80s until you take away their cell phones.
God: you’re my son
Jesus: do I have super powers 😀
God: you can turn water to wine, walk on water, uh bread
Jesus: :/
God: …fish
Jesus: so who’s my enemy
God: Satan. he has shapeshifting, fire, rock n roll, charm
Jesus: wow that’s cool 🙁
God: oh he’s super duper cool
Track coach: run like the wind!
Dude from Oklahoma: *spins*
Prisoner: Why’s it called a “shiv”?
Cellmate: It’s short for “shiver”
Prisoner: “Shiver”? But how does that relate to stabbing?
Cellmate: the shiv part comes before the ER
Prisoner: damn that’s cold
[first time hunting]
friend: I’m out of shells do you have any
me: *choking on pistachio* a few
If snails are so slow, how come nobody sees them coming? It’s always like bam, there’s a snail
My doctor says I’m a hypochondriac. Is that any way to speak to a woman who’s probably dying?
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a librarian.
Me: *doesn’t talk again all night*
Practice good oral hygiene by wiping your mouth with toilet paper after talking shit
The security camera at work has “too many instances” of me acting like a dinosaur on film. And “any amount” is “too many.” According to HR.
– For this evening’s dessert, Hercule Poirot will drone on and on about something until you emit a loud shriek.
– Ooh, Belgian waffles and I scream!
WTF, marathoners? I don’t even like to drive 26 miles.
I put the hot in psychotic.
AA Milne: Ok rabbit, we’ll call you Rabbit. Piglet, you can be Piglet
Bear: Wow, real original
AAM: [scribbles out Bear and writes Pooh]
911: Sir, I understand you think it did it against your will and was aggressive but we can’t arrest an auto flush toilet.
Me: I WASNT READY
In high school I only played the trombone so I could hit people and make it look like an accident.
Parenting’s First Law of Physics:
An object in motion ends up resting on the floor until there’s an argument over who should pick it up.
TALL GUY: 6 feet, 4 inches.
ME: Wow! I only have two feet, but they’re regular sized.
my (35m) 10,000 rats (1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 2m, 4m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 2m, 4m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f..
63% of Americans can’t locate the Earth on a globe
You can’t scare me. You’re not my husband holding my credit card over the shredder.
HER: I’m from outside London.
ME: Nearly the entire world is outside London.
[at an indian restaurant]
me: they’re well known for their gooey naan.
her: what’s gooey naan?
me: nothing much what’s goin’ on with you?
Me: What does that cloud look like to you?
3-year-old: A cloud.
Me: No, what do you imagine it could be?
3-year-old: Rain.
he looks like the detective in a TV mystery series who’s been drinking a bit much since his wife died but always gets his man
I’ll start buying “smart” appliances when they make a microwave that automatically electrocutes people who put fish in it
(Job Interview)
Interviewer: So, tell me about yourself.
Me: I’m unemployed.
I: How about something personal?
Me: Personally I need a job.
If you ever find a partially eaten grilled cheese sandwich at my house call the police.
My biggest fear of self driving cars is that if I would die on the way to work, the car would still drive me there.