Overheard, my kids-
7: did you know when you’re older you’ll have boobies like mummy?
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3: don’t be silly, when I’m older I’ll be a panda
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Anyone: what’s your favorite color?
Me: cheese
Why’d it take Little Red Riding Hood so long to figure out it wasnt her grandma? I can tell after like 2 questions if its a wolf or my nana
Boss: “Are you texting?”
Me: “No, I’m Tweeting.”
Boss: “What’s the difference?”
Me: “Texting would imply that I have friends.”
The power of art = theory.
The power of power = praxis.
The the of the = philosophy.
I decided to become a dad when I noticed how many kids never finish their nuggets.
A sex robot is gonna shoot someone with a 3D gun in my lifetime
Smooth Criminal: I use a razor
Smoother Criminal: I get laser treatments
Smoothest Criminal: *it’s just an Asian guy laughing at them both*
When this is over, I’m just going to start hugging nurses and doctors until they get a restraining order.
Me: *folding a fitted sheet*
Ghost: Ouch.
Me to my husband: Why do you insist on bringing that up? That was in the past.
Husband: It just happened.
Me: But it was in the past.
Husband: It was five minutes ago.
Me: In. The. Past.
You don’t need flavored coffee. It already has a flavor. Coffee.
Me to my sister who just gave birth & is recovering from a c-section: “ok so it didn’t really begin to spin out of control until AP published a story saying he did NOT have sex with a couch”
“One day, I will create a global business-oriented social networking service”
– Abraham LinkedIn
My date was all ‘next time come to my place and I’ll cook you some food in my air fryer’ and I was like ‘lol sure and I’ll play you some songs on my air guitar’ and then she was like ‘I need to see other people’.
We told Grandpa that we were worried about him being quarantined alone with his bad hip and failing eyesight, but he told us not to worry because he’d gotten himself a dog.
My toddler threw a clipboard at me. This is no way for a boss to treat an unpaid intern.
If I could time travel, I’d grab English major me in college & say, “Look, books will nourish your soul but take an appliance repair class.”
If you don’t fake zombie chew on their heads while you hug your kids once in a while, you’re doing it wrong.
I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.
“Oh sure, they can eat their own poop, no problem. They just CAN’T eat chocolate. It’ll kill them.” – God inventing dogs.
My dad is at it again
Me: The older I get, the less I care who sees me naked.
Post office employee: Thank you for at least wearing the mask.
interviewer: describe yourself
me: you know the urge to awkwardly hobble-run across the road when someone lets you cross? i am basically that energy manifested into an entire person
interviewer: ok
I couldn’t say no to a double dog dare. How about you? Why did you get arrested?
If alcohol has calories and calories are energy then cocktails are energy drinks
*wears an “Only God Can Judge Me” t-shirt to court*
People who reply “LOL” but don’t retweet are like if a doctor shook a bottle of pills in your direction to treat your disease.
If your phone gets wet, put it in a bag of rice because maybe an Asian will come by and fix it.
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