Overheard, my kids-
7: did you know when you’re older you’ll have boobies like mummy?
3:
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3: don’t be silly, when I’m older I’ll be a panda
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I have a stomach ache and my husband is mad at me for eating the peanut butter out of the mouse traps.
I hate killing bugs so instead I spend hours trying to get it in a cup so I can toss it outside after accidentally taking off 3 of its legs.
me: babe, i think we’re ready to take this to the next level. here’s a key, i want you to move in
her: it says volvo on it
I only block people that deserve it and those I don’t like because of completely made up scenarios.
HER: I love classic rock
ME: [trying to impress] I’ve been to the Grand Canyon
My wife and I spell out words so our toddler won’t understand what we’re saying, but we both spell like shit so we can’t understand what we’re saying either.
Just got fired from my job as a set designer. I left without making a scene.
I appreciate the sun for always moving in the sky in a predictable way but I also respect the moon for just kind of doing whatever
Me: i don’t believe in marriage
Also me: i will meet my husband through twitter
According to the Internet:
Xbox One
– $500.
– Weaker hardware.
– Mandatory daily check-in.
– Requires Kinect.
– DRM.PS4
– Cures cancer.
[First date]
Him:”Waiter!”
Waiter:”Sir?”
Him:”Could you check the toilets? My date has been gone 2 hours. Also, her coat has been stolen”
Me: Mom, can I die from eating pancakes
Mom: let’s not talk like that
Me: sorry, can I please die from eating pancakes
God: Oh heck, I dropped my newest spider in the ocean
Octopus: I’m cool with this, actually
I hate when I go to the gym and someone’s doing yoga on the napping mats.
if you think the last 12 months dragged on, just think how your dog feels. he’s probably sick of having you home for the 7 years
Flight attendant: Do we have a doctor on board
Me: I have a PhD in mathematics
Flight attendant: one passenger is having a heart attack and one passenger is having an asthma attack
Me: *nodding* that makes two
[opening day at fast food place]
manager: all the orders in?
employee: yes.
manager: the electrical all set?
employee: yes.
manager: and the chairs. do they grate loudly against the floors?
employee: yes.
manager: perfect. we’re ready.
Pushed together 3 piles of my wife’s clothes on the floor to vacuum and boy was that a mistake.
In High School I was pretty popular with all the boys.
I was known as “Hey, will you ask your friend if she likes me?”
Cats can use their whiskers to navigate in the dark. I use my toes. And shins. And lots of cursing.
DATING TIP: Be a gentleman. Hold her door. Hold her hand. Hold her purse. Hold her for ransom. Demand a chopper. Fly away. Start a new life.
I thought 2020 was just going to be a bunch of bad eyesight jokes but no it’s much worse
Picked my kid up from a playdate at a pristine home and the mom said “excuse the mess” so I guess that’s the end of that friendship
My girlfriend broke up with me because she and I had different opinions. My opinion was that I was worth dating.
Everyone is scared I am going to take their mans, ma’am I got one at home who doesn’t even like me, I do not have special powers
dracula: I vant to suck ur blood
me: oh no
dracula: I will drain u completely
me:
dracula: I will suck u dry
me:
dracula: why do u keep giggling
[I open my lunchbox at work to find an apple]
‘But that means…’
[Cut to Isaac Newton in 1666, jumping up from under a tree while wiping cold spaghetti out of his eyes]
Daughter: dada I’m scared of the dark.
Me: oh honey the dark’s more scared of you than you are of it.
Daughter:
Me: [turns off light] goodnight.
The Dark: oh shit oh shit where’d that creepy little girl go?
ME: haha u dare me to take off all my clothes and run thru this park
COP: no
ME: wow I cant believe ur making me do this lol
COP: I’m not
My new boss just described me as “dramatic but not problematic” and I’ve never felt more understood in my life