Overheard, my kids-
7: did you know when you’re older you’ll have boobies like mummy?
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3: don’t be silly, when I’m older I’ll be a panda
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[tv announcer] Are you bloated? Tired? Unable to enjoy the activities you once loved?
[me with mouthful of chips] YEAH
Me: Can I order the conch fritters please?
Waitress: The “ch” is pronounced like a “k”
Me: Okay Bick.
the compUtah Maineframe has crashed and Idaho how to fix it. Alaska round to find out Hawaii it happened. Are Delaware of the situation?
Shit. Gotta huge job interview tomorrow and I have no clue where I put my prom dress
Look me in the eye and tell me you love me…
No, not the glass one.
(People Touring My House 50 Years After I Die)
TOUR GUIDE: And over here we found a second secret room ALSO full of bacon.
[French restaurant]
DANIEL: Promise me, not again
MIYAGI: Promise. [raises hand] Garcon?
[waiter comes]
D: Don-
M: [waves hand] Garcoff
I like microwaves that spin the food around because I’m all, oh yeah, hot pocket, looking good, girl, from the front AND the back uh huh.
I saw a guy and a girl doing high fives in a chemistry lab
and I thought, “wow they be bonding.”
cop: I pulled you over for playing ’WAP’ at full volume
me: is there a law against it?
cop: not really, but you’re driving a hearse in a funeral procession
Irony. The opposite of wrinkly.
Thank you. I’ll be here all night.
A drinking game where you do a shot every time you are prompted to update Adobe
The date was going splendidly until my mom called and we argued over my curfew in front of her.
Rage against the machine? I bet it was a printer.
Happy Star Wars day!
Not enough arguments are settled with a dance off.
Wife *yelling from other room* you’re making bread? Why are you making bread?
Me: Everyone in lockdown is doing it
Duck *holding gun* good answer
I can’t blame this generation too much for doing stupid stuff. My generation thought 7 Police Academy movies were a good idea
God inventing people:
Put a cap on the tip of their fingers for protection, because they will hit their fingers with a hammer, you know what let’s confuse the shit out of them and call it a nail too
I do this weird thing where I feel fabulous then I have to get out of bed
People who say losing weight is “just math” clearly have no idea how far out of my way I go to avoid math.
Are people born with photographic memories or do they take time to develop ??
[Crime Scene]
Detective: Looks like the killer used a wheelbarrow to dump the victim.
[in the shed a wheelbarrow grins, his seventh kill]
Especially if it’s THAT one … 🤣
Did you hear about the latest James Bond movie where he procrastinates about coloring his hair?
It’s called Dye Another Day
My wife tricked me into looking at her to-do list by leaving it on the kitchen counter inside a Victoria’s Secret bag.
“Hey buddy, you wanna buy a harmonica?” I opened my coat and got hit by a gust of wind, making the worst sound in the world
My trainer said that I have to stop referring to Reese Cups as protein bars
#ImFeelingGoodAbout myself