Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

10-year-old: Did you learn cursive in school?

Me: I sure did.

10: Did you have electricity?

We learned by candlelight.

Water leak.
No water for 2 days.
Then the plumber cut the cable line.
No internet.
No TV.
2 stinky teenagers.

Send wine and bail money.

The term domestic housewife implies that there is a feral housewife and now I have a new life goal.

Me: Try to make a sandwich while doing a handstand.

Genie: That’s not really a wish, you know.

Me: I said handstandwich!

I feel bad for photons that travel 93 million miles from the sun and then have to bounce off your stupid face.

When I had no money, I had few friends, but no enemies

Btw, I still have no money, in case you were thinking of becoming my friend or enemy

Following Facebook saga of a missing cat. The husband rang his wife to say he’d found it but it was hissing at him and fighting with their other cats. When wife got home the cat he’d found was a different colour, size and sex to the missing cat. He’d kidnapped someone else’s cat.

Punctuality is important. It’s the difference between helping your uncle jack off a horse and arriving late to find he’s already done it.

Me: I’d like to see your music zebras

Piano salesman: Please don’t, I’ve had a long day

I go back to work tomorrow, ending my 91 day weekend.

Person: What are you doing?

Me: Looking at owl callers. It’s skunk mating season. I want to discourage them from my yard. Owls are their predators. I COULD use an owl call but it’s also OWL mating season. I could end up with A LOT of owls

P: You win weirdest problem of the day

Cop: Sir, you can’t use hand-held communication devices while driving

Me: [trying to hide ouija board] What are you talking about?

Today, I went to the bathroom without my phone… there are 107 tiles on my floor

dude killed a sea lion with his bike

No time to exercise? Get the results of a 30 minute workout in only 3 seconds by accidentally stepping on your cat on the stairs in the dark

Me: Hi. I can’t take your call right now but please leave a message.

CW: I’m standing right in front of yo…

Me: BEEEEEEEEEEEEP

Wife: *working a crossword* Seven letter word for female.

Me: Ironman

Wife: Get out!

me: [trying to be cool af at the bar] gimme a beer
bartender: what kind
me: the…the drinking kind

This is a whole mood;

People always go, “Why can’t there ever be peace in the Middle East?”
We can’t even get FIVE DENTISTS to agree on a toothpaste. That’s why.

me: do you take walk-ins

dude at the crematorium: what

I pulled a muscle turning over in bed. Cause that’s how I roll.

Me: I’d like to bring my puppy in to see how much she weighs.

Vet: Just weigh yourself then weigh yourself holding her and subtract.

Me: no thank you

Anyone who says time flies, has obviously never been on a treadmill.

When a copywriter is asked to make a headline “punchier,” that’s both a description of what the requester wants and how they make us feel.

Caught my son running a Google search for “adult entertainment”. I was mortified. We are strictly a Bing family.

Wife: can you give the kids a talk on drugs?

Me: ok but I talk a lot of shit when I’m high

Any family visit eventually has the Agatha Christie detective moment where someone explains at length whose fault it is everyone has a cold.

My dad is describing in great detail how he would kill the grinch while My mom is cooking breakfast for sixteen people.

Where’s the gratification in tearing down another human being? It’s much easier to have heart, than walk w a self-inserted rod up your ASS.