Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Non-believers of Earth being a sphere presumably flatly deny all the evidence.

COP: Can you describe your attacker?

ME: No

COP: Didn’t you see him?

ME: Yes, but I have a poor grasp of adjectives

When ever I put on my mask to go into a store, I hear a voice in my head that says “cover me, I’m going in”

It happened to me: I committed to a type of pie before I found out there was a better type of pie on another shelf

What is the difference between ignorance and apathy?
I don’t know, and I don’t care.

Neil Patrick Harris couldn’t host a tapeworm without a musical number. #Emmys

one thing about September, everyday is about 5 people’s birthday 😭😭

I don’t remember my password, so I’ll just start my hundredth new account.

-Everyone’s mom

Stages of drunk:

– I’m not drunk.

– I’m still not drunk.

– Who’s trunk am I in?

Sitting on airplane…. I sanitize our tray tables, seat cushions, seatbelts, and seatback pockets. My child then licks the window.

What’s large, black and steals your credit cards?

Sony Playstation

Horoscopes signs should sound cool like asparagus, chevrolet and Dan

I’ve never stepped into a bear trap, but I have asked a friend if he was going to a mutual friend’s party only to learn that he knew nothing about it because he wasn’t invited.

me: don’t you dare tell me I’ve had enough

him: sorry, but—

m: *shouting* what kind of barman limits customers to just one?

h: *sighs, pours*

m: finally! I’ll have another one of those delicious cookies too, please

h: now may I go back to giving communion?

“dress for the job you want”

There’s a job you want???

If everybody was happy in relationship there wouldn’t be any good music.

Some people have a green thumb. My mom was like plant hospice. She helped potted plants pass on with dignity.

7 year resume gap marked “Not Drugs”

Ironically, my toys are also called Buzz and Woody

friend: have u accepted jesus christ as yr savior so u can be allowed into the kingdom of heaven?
me: who all going?

So I just watched Contagion and tbh, if they had watched the end of the film first, they could have saved a lot of lives.

[airport security]

wife: *fidgeting with wedding ring*

me: *emptying my cargo shorts pockets*

tsa agent:

tsa agent: why so many gameboys

I’m at a Metallica concert, and the woman beside me just used her phone to google “Metallica.”

You don’t scare me. You’re not a trip to Costco on the weekend 10 days before Christmas.

Me: (watching MST3K) What do you mean you don’t like it?! If you were trapped in deep space with just two robot friends, what would YOU do?

Her: That’s not important.

My 8YO’s drawings of me have improved in detail. Although she still draws my body as a round ball, she now adds a nice touch by filling in the dark circles under my eyes.

[presidents 2km race – finish line]

OBAMA (checks stopwatch): just under 10 mins, did I beat the record?

CLINTON: no, Bush did 9:11

The wife: Thinking about getting a tear drop tattoo
Me: Ha, you’ve never killed anyone!
The wife:

I’ve started using a firming serum and have definitely noticed a difference. I’m making firm decisions now.