Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[opening day at fast food place]

manager: all the orders in?

employee: yes.

manager: the electrical all set?

employee: yes.

manager: and the chairs. do they grate loudly against the floors?

employee: yes.

manager: perfect. we’re ready.

” So the boat was about to sink until I attached a sail to my boner and made it safely to shore”

Me if I was on the Titanic.

“Mom, I’m an adult. There’s nothing left for you to show me.”
(*folds a fitted sheet*)
“TEACH ME YOUR SORCERY, LINEN WIZARD”

the time my hedgehog fell into the Chuck E. Cheese ball pit

I’ll stop wearing black when they make a darker color

Not now pee, I’m sleeping.

Apparently telling the cop during my sobriety test, it’s not how many times you fall, but how many times you get up was not the best answer.

HADES: what happens when Aphrodites hair gets frizzy?
ZEUS: don’t-
HADES: i guess u could call her AFROdite
ZEUS: this is why we banished u

Why did they call it bacon fat and not oinkment omg I’m so sorry

where’s Godzilla when we need him

I aspire to be a stay-at-home mom with no kids

Wonder which part of Batman’s belt holds the bat-shaped throat lozenges he uses after speaking in his tough voice for long periods of time.

If you send me a voice note exceeding 20 seconds, I will consider it a podcast and not listen to it.

This week’s mood.

GF told me she wanted to write her “biography” & I said “autobiography” & now there’s a chapter where I sleep at my place.

volunteer in charge: we are gonna walk around and search for clues about the missing girl.
guy who just bought a new fly fishing rod: we should check the lake first

I don’t have to worry about my kids TP’ing houses on Halloween because apparently none of them know where the spare rolls are.

wonder why hedge mazes fell out of fashion? we need to get to the centre of this issue.

The last time I tried something new, I had another child @funTweeters @brookeG105

(trying to explain what adulthood is like to a kid) you know in sims when you put a guy in the pool and then you take all the ladders out.

Rachel Ray now makes cat food with real beef just like the cows my cat would eat in the wild.

*Taking my mom to a place she’s never been*

My mom: Are you sure you’re going the right way?

Japan’s theme parks have banned screaming on roller coasters because it spreads coronavirus. “Please scream inside your heart.”

mmm onion ringos

Spider 1: hey man, your fly’s down

Spider 2: yeah, the little fella’s been like that since I ate his brother

Me: It’s time to lose my quarantine 15.

Girl Scouts: Hold my cookies.

My husband is a mumbler, but that doesn’t stop him from telling me I’m beautiful… I’m pretty sure that’s what he’s saying anyway.

BF: Aren’t you ashamed?
ME: Because I complained to the manager about the wait at the restaurant?
BF: No
ME: Because I ate a large pizza?
BF: Because you ate someone else’s large pizza while we were waiting

I thought I liked salads…turns out, I like croutons and ranch dressing.

I’m offering a new service for billionaires to visit the OceanGate Titan sub wreckage for the low, low price of $250,000.