Overheard, my parents, watching the World Cup:
Dad: Who are you routing for?
Mom: I’m routing for it to be over.
You Might Also Like
“I DON’T CARE IF YOU THINK IT SOUNDS GROSS THAT’S WHAT WE’RE CALLING IT” – Guy who named the sweater.
CNN got really excited about the #TransAsia plane until they found out it’s not missing so now they don’t care.
yeah no that’s fair
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
“Your call is important to us”
[67 minutes later]
“Your call is important to us”
[hold music]
Alanis: it’s like raaaaaiin 🎵
I’ve got to go guys. Yesterday I bought a new shampoo that’s supposed to change my life.
If I’m struggling to write new jokes, I find it helps to go on a long walk. Sooner or later I’ll meet someone who hasn’t heard my old jokes.
Priest: *running from confessional hyperventilating*
me: *chasing after him* HEY WAIT THERE’S‘ MORE.
CUTE CAT‼︎
A monarchy is crowning a new king & later we’ll watch horses run in a circle for entertainment. Tonight I’m gonna party like it’s 1199.
How did Kim Kardashian get her hands on Liberace’s bath robe? #GrammysRedCarpet
[Me]: What’s a snowman’s favorite drink?
[Bartender]: idk
[Me]: Brrrr-bon lol
[Bartender]: …
[Me]: jk snowmen don’t drink they aren’t real
The Macarena began playing through the dental office speakers as I lied helpless with the hygienist’s hands in my mouth today. #survivor
Hey beauty brands who make face creams. 30ml is only enough for an ant’s face.
An eel can swim faster than me, but i could probably run faster than an eel. So in a triathlon it would all come down to who is the better cyclist
If I was Juliet I would of said something more like this: Romeo , Romeo! Wherefore art my pizza, Romeo!?
I hope people don’t turn against my comics after they find out about my extreme religious views (belief that only Italians get into heaven)
[at my funeral]
Priest: he died doing what he loved
My friend Pete from the back: he liked it yeah but I wouldn’t say he loved making toast in the bath
DENTIST: Been flossing?
ME: Yup
D: [reaches into my mouth & pulls out a copy of the NY Times dated 7/5/14] I put this in there last time
No one girl should have all that power. 😂
Freaking out people walking round the cemetery dressed as a Ghostbuster.
The person ahead of me paid for my Starbucks at drive-thru, and I was so excited about it I drove off without my drink.
People who camp are like, “But camping is so much fun!” and then tell you a story about how they had to fight a raccoon at 2 AM.
12yo son forgot his electric toothbrush — so now he has to MOVE HIS ARM to brush his teeth.
His protest was legendary.
The easiest way to woo a girl is show up to her door with a loaf of garlic bread
WHAT DO WE WANT?
License and registration, please.
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
Sir, please stop shouting and step out of the vehicle.
So you’ve had white presidents, a black president and now an orange one. I’m crossing my fingers for the Hulk next time around.
My foot just now fell asleep which means I’ve finally gained its trust.
I’ll leave a to-do list on the table in case any of you stalkers get bored.
Three conspiracy theorists walk in a bar. You can’t tell me that’s just coincidence.