Overheard, my parents, watching the World Cup:
Dad: Who are you routing for?
Mom: I’m routing for it to be over.
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i love banana bread you just buy a bunch of bananas and then ignore them for a while and finally you’re like ok u will be bread now
I hate when people say “think again.” Buddy, I wasn’t even thinking in the first place.
Whoever said money can’t buy happiness didn’t like things as much as I do.
The only time I’ll care about Basketball:
[work email]
Me: Can I meat the new guy?
Boss: Meet? Okay, sure…
Me: Great!*hides bag of steaks*
Humans: That made me puke. I’ll never do that again!
Dogs: That made me puke. I’m gonna get into it everyday this week!!
Doctors who do lip injections should be referred to as quacks.
Me: *calls friend* Traffic isn’t moving, no exits, doesn’t look good.
Friend: You’re being dramatic.
Me: We are building a new society on the shoulder.
F: Seriously?
Me: I’m a huntress now. Hope I can provide for the village. Wish me luck.
Stop.
When I call out the wrong name during sex, I just segue into singing Mambo No. 5.
[first day as astronaut]
*vomits
Me: That’s normal, right?
Instructor: Not during a written exam, no
DAD: *to my brother* Just be yourself.
ME: And me?
DAD: Just be your brother.
Now that Christmas is over, don’t forget to be thankful for all the children in China who made your kid’s toys.
[HONK HONK]
…one more honk and I’m gonna…
[HONK]
*gets out of my car*
*walks to the car behind me*
*feeds the driver’s goose some bread*
I was jumping on the trampoline with my son and now my neighbour won’t stop mowing his lawn next to the fence
HAMMER PANTS: can’t touch this
HAMMER PANTIES: definitely can’t touch this
I gently knocked a beetle off my lampshade to catch and release, it landed in my water which I poured into the sink to save it from drowning, and it ended up going down the drain. This is 2020.
”My intentions are not pure” I whisper as I put on yoga pants with no intention of doing yoga.
I hate to get all political but unity begins with universal cell phone chargers
Interestingly, if we invade North Korea because it caused us to miss a movie, that still won’t be the worst reason we ever went to war.
Me: Waiter, there’s a duck in my soup
Waiter: That’s a pond, you’re at a park, I’m just here with my family, will you put some pants on?
A: How much to buy a singing ensemble?
B: You mean a choir?
A: Fine, how much to acquire a singing ensemble?
Who are we? KIDS
What do we want? OATMEAL
When do we want it? NEVER, WE CHANGED OUR MINDS, WE DON’T LIKE OATMEAL ANYMORE
[answers phone]
Me: yeah?!
Boss: are you okay?
Me: just taking a quick lunch break
Boss: you haven’t showed up in 2 days!
SOCRATES: The only thing I know is that I know nothing.
ME: Aw, hey, don’t say that. You know things.
SOCRATES: No, I meant—
ME: If you want I can teach you some stuff.
SOCRATES:
ME:
SOCRATES:
ME: *Points* That’s a tree.
Pretty sure “see less from” is to Facebook what “close door” is to an elevator
Magician: “Think of a number.”
Me: “Okay.”
Magician: “Are you thinking of a number?”
Me: “Yes.”
*the crowd goes wild with applause*
*watching videos of people cooking in public bathrooms*
The CDC should absolutely have a prison
Me: *eating ribs*
Morgue Attendant: *crying fearfully*