Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[watching the Lord of the Rings]

Me: who do you think is more powerful Gandalf or Sauron?

Wife: Sauron’s Wife.

Me: but he’s not married lol.

Wife: then why does he spend 3 movies frantically searching for his lost ring?

Me:

Wife: he’s definitely scared to tell his wife.

Stomach: I am starving. Feed me immediately.

Me: I’m at work, man, can’t right now.

(one hour later)

Me: Cool I’m finally on break, let’s eat.

Stomach: Gross

I don’t trust scrapbookers because I feel it’s a slippery slope to ransom letters

Spelling bees. Why aren’t other competitions called ‘bees’? The Football Bee. The Great Cooking Bee. The Presidential Bee. Send.

Apparently my friends have been spreading rumors that I have a gambling problem. I’m not sure who leaked this, but my money’s on Josh.

I’ve decided to become a Disney princess*

*pretend a witch cursed me and stay in bed all day

I asked 5 why she threw her peas on the floor and she said “it wasn’t me it was my imaginary friend“ and I said “I didn’t know you had an imaginary friend” and she said “I don’t, I just thought of it when you got cross about the peas”

On Halloween I’ll be handing out full size bars of really bad advice.

Only while supplies last.

ME: make a clone of me for my wife

SCIENTIST: ok [makes a George Clooney]

ME: I said clone not Clooney. take it back

WIFE: wait a minute

girls be like “can you get my lip gloss from my purse? just reach in & head left, take a right at the wallet then turn left til you pass 3 nutrigrain bars & take your next right then head straight & it should be there. if you’ve hit the 2007 target receipts you’ve gone too far”

If you really want me to pay attention to you, you’d mention sandwiches

Jimmy Fallon always looks like he’s waiting for you to open a gift he’s convinced you’ll absolutely love.

Supposed to leave for vacation in 5 minutes. Somehow, the clothes I need to pack that I threw in the washer an hour ago, aren’t ready.

Okay, wait a second. I pee, I do my belt, THEN I wash my hands. I don’t know about you but I’ve never, ever washed my belt.

I hate being bipolar it’s awesome

NEMESIS: We must fight to the death!

ME (fully aware I’m going to lose): oh thank god

If I squint really hard, nope. You’re still an idiot.

Life was once a string of awkward silences but then I got a kazoo

“Is that a banana in your pocket?”

-banana farm security, checking workers as they leave for theft

You know you’re tired when you kneel on the ground pick something up and then have to decide if it’s easier to get up or just live there now

Tonight I have taught my 2yr old a very valuable lesson.

He now knows that chips can be used to eat guacamole.

Went the extra mile today, drove right past my office.

Movie Law:

All computer hackers have to say “We’re in” when they get into “the system”

COP: License and registration please.
ME: *hands him $30 in Kohl’s cash*
COP: What do you think you’re doing?
ME: *slides him 20% Bed Bath & Beyond coupon*
COP: Have a good night.

Always the camel, never the toe.

If they tweet about you, establish dominance by retweeting them.

The part I don’t like about the show Unsolved Mysteries is when the mysteries don’t get solved.

God: you’re a penguin.

Penguin: actually I’m a spy.

God: uh no you aren’t.

Penguin: then why am I wearing this tux?

God: that’s just what you look like.

Penguin: that’s exactly what a spy would say.

God:

Penguin: isn’t that right…00Heaven.

You’re right, teenagers: We don’t know what you’re going through. The rest of us skipped straight from 12 to 20. Best decision we ever made.

If by prepped for Irma you mean have I eaten all the ice cream before the power goes out then yes I’m totally prepped for Irma.