Overheard neighborhood story:
First person: my husband goes out and hoots at the owl every night around 8 and it answers.
Second person: MY husband goes out at hoots at the owl every night around 8 and it answers.
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Picture the perfect woman.
Wrong.
You’re a guy. You’re always wrong.
GF: just FYI, my dad teaches at the Naval Academy
[meeting her parents]
ME: [lifting up shirt] does my belly button look weird to you?
When I get upset, you bet the gloves come off. Problem is, underneath are softer, more delicate gloves.
I knew my ex gf was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
When my wife left, I was sad, upset and lonely.
Since then I’ve got a dog, bought a motorcycle, started dating again and gained 15 pounds. She’s gonna be pissed when she gets home from work.
This could be us but you keep mumbling about your dignity.
If I ever found a unicorn it would probably only be about 5 minutes before I put it’s horn in my mouth.
HER: I have something I want to tell u
ME: me too
HER: *smiles coyly* same time?
ME: sure
HER: 1,2,3 I LOVE YO-
ME: ONE TIME I ATE DOG FOOD
2021 is the perfect year to test out my new response to any awkward family Thanksgiving topics: “I don’t wanna talk about ______, I wanna talk about Taylor Swift..”
Ancient proverbs say “Nobody sleeps when the cat’s bowl is empty”.
You may hate the thought of moles, warts and skin tags but after a while, they grow on you.
8: in this game I play as a goose and I have to annoy everyone, run off with things when people need them and leave a mess wherever I go!
Me: wow, I literally cannot imagine what that would be like.
Do I work hard? No. But do I work smart to compensate. Absolutely not.
*walks into a restaurant*
Waiter: Sir, I have Stewed Liver, Boiled Tongue & Frog’s Legs.
Me: Enough bout your problems. Get the Menu Card
mother: I just threw up a little in my mouth
baby birds: yay! dinner time
There’s a fine line between “I slept great” and “what did I do to my neck?”
*walks up to Harvard with an avocado* one law degree please
If Olive Garden wanted to give me an authentic Italian meal that reminds me of my mother’s cooking, someone should come out from the kitchen and hit me with a wooden spoon
giving all the dogs in my neighborhood matching sweaters for Christmas so they can be in a gang
6: I like your necklace
Me: Thank you
6: When you die me and my sisters get your jewelry, right
Me: Not if I disown you first
As a rule, if the number of genders allowed to drive in your country is less than two, you live in an awful country.
My friend’s newborn is staring at me with the disdainful contempt of someone who has know me for at least a few weeks longer
When I get bored on a Zoom meeting, I put a cursor under the speaker’s nose to make it look like they have a booger.
ME: you have to go to college
SON: but why though?
ME: to be able get nice things *shows him my watch* you see this?
SON: yeah
ME: I stole this from my roommate freshman year
My washing machine is broken and the laundry is piled so much now, I’ve started to wear old Halloween costumes
When all the grocery stores are out of food, those fish holding Tinder dudes will look pretty damn good.
An Adele remix? Perfect now I can dance and cry at the same time.
When someone cries, “No one gets me”
I immediately snatch them and put them in my trunk and yell, “I got you”!
Being a man is pretty cool because men get to have sex with women. Some men.. sometimes.