Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I saw my shadow this morning and it looks like I have six more weeks of dieting.

[stopping the tattoo artist 15 seconds into my “feel no pain” tattoo] ok so you’re gonna laugh

The funniest thing about Batman is that he legitimately doesn’t give a shit about crime that happens during the day.

I’m off to the store
got your wallet?
yes
you sure?
YES
*hour later wife turns on news and I’m being chased by 6 cop cars and a helicopter*

I love that “take out” means food, dating, and murder.

The Weeknd is Canadian, he should be adding letters to his name not removing them

Her: How often do you think about the Roman Empire

Me: Almost never.

Her: Oh that’s a relief.

Me: (goes back to thinking about the Romulan Empire)

My car has a sunroof, but I consider it more of a middle finger display hatch.

me: hey, cute dog, what’s his name
guy w/ dog: Robert
me: Robert
guy: yeah
me: [grabs him by shirt] wtf is wrong with you

I think Newton was actually hit by pigeon shit when he discovered gravity.. Falling of apple was just a ‘dignified’ cover up…!!

This cop is parked illegally behind me with his lights on, I’m going to say something.

🥲

it is so crazy how many hours are actually in a day when u wake up before 11:30 am…..wow………do people know about this

“Stay out of the heat & stay hydrated.”

Thank you news-anchor. It’s my first summer.

REVOLUTION HAS BEGUN!!!

Studies say people with high IQ are lazy. Of course I didn’t read the entire article.

OMG IT’S GOING TO KILL US ALL!!

~ My dog every time I use a broom

Just picked up half the middle school boys basketball team to take them for burgers after practice.

Not enough febreeze in the world to fix this car now.

You blow one bubble and suddenly all the other bubbles are talking about you.

Our nephew told us his rap name was Roast Beef, and until my last breath on earth, I’m gonna remind him of this as much as possible.

It’s no coincidence that Monday and Murder both start with M.

we’ve all got that one homie who is taking poison damage over time who’s always like “gah. oof. ugh. gah. oof. ugh. gah. oof. ugh.”

“Take me with you,” I whisper, palms pressed to the windowpane, watching the trash truck drive away.

Trust me, it’s all filters and angles. I’m actually a saint bernard.

My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti

Young people are too young nowadays. Back in the good old days, young people were my age.

Interviewer: what would you say is your biggest weakness?

Me: *high pitched mocking voice* what would you say is your biggest weakness?

Husband: “Did you eat the last cookie?”

Me: “The kids did.”

H: “Are you sure?”

Me: “What am I 5? I told you I didn’t eat it.”

H: ” Hey kids, did mommy eat the last cookie?”

Kids: “Yeah, and she ate it in the bathroom so we couldn’t get it.”

A midwife is just the wife between your first and third one

Me: Excuse me, may I have a straw please?

*entire restaurant gasps*