Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you removed every blade from a 747’s engines and laid them end to end, you’d go to prison for rendering useless a $357 million aircraft.

I don’t know why Coca-Cola and Pepsi are fighting over what Santa drinks, everybody knows that big fat belly can only come from beers.

We have to buy a new toaster because my son tried using the icing packet from his toaster strudel as a potholder to protect his fingers and dropped it in the toaster, where it melted and oozed icing all over. 

But in his defense, it didn’t say not to do that on the box.

Telling someone “You are not alone” can be either extremely comforting or absolutely creepy depending on the context.

Halloween candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.

wait did that Australian guy say “meteorite” or “mate are ya alright?”
*gets hit by a meteorite*
“hey mate are ya alri… no you’re dead*

[girl petting my dog] what’s his name?
[thinking about how women want to feel safe] seat belt

When the moon hits your eye like 3.14 Pi
That’s the ratio of its circumference to its diameter

My daughter is serious about a guy she fell in love with at the zoo. She says he’s a keeper.

Everyone goes through a phase where they think they can speak Italian

so many songs about heartache but only one about a werewolf loose on the streets of london??

Becoming a parent changes your whole life.

One change I was not expecting was that whenever I sit down, I release a hormone only my child can detect that causes him to ask me for something.

A person on this website accused me of writing “a thousand bad jokes” and I was like wow that’s a weird way to say you like 7000 of my jokes

Shutdown Apocalypse Update: GPS is down. Using a refrigerator magnet as a compass. I think it’s just pointing to another refrigerator.

Me: I’m having unusual urges!

Doc: Perhaps we should take you off that medicine.

Me flipping his nose: I’m not taking any medicine you silly goose.

(therapist voice)

Please, lie down on the shrouch.

DATE: So tell me about yourself
ME: My brain sturdy like large oak table
DATE: Ok

[explaining why we got fat]

Friend: I had a baby

Me: I had a donut

Bruh

Not to brag, but I have one of those metabolisms that I can eat anything I want and still get fat

Roasted beef is like regular beef except the cows family tells embarrassing stories about it, which are tough and tasteless.

They say genius skips a generation.In our case it fell off our family tree and died.

“I can’t wait to get inside you,” I flirtatiously whisper to a coffin.

*teacher sees students sharing a note*

Teacher: why don’t you read that out loud

Student: [reading note] Dear teacher, this is an intervention. Your methods of discipline via public humiliation are uninspired carbon copies of Hollywood tropes. We wrote this letter as a class…

I used to think I could control ducks with my mind but it turns out ducks & I just have very similar ideas about what stuff ducks should do

Critics agree that plot considerations did not justify the near-constant nudity in your film “How To Safely Use A Ladder In The Workplace”

Coworker: sorry to bother you
Me: you should be

There are exactly two (2) kinds of names in DnD

1) Ephena Solancae Diuturna of Theviara II

2) Smork Dirtbag

sorry about the last 24 hours California, i brought back a mysterious relic from overseas but i’ve destroyed it now

[courtroom]
Me: “I OBJECT YOUR HONOR”
Judge: on what grounds?
“LEGAL MUMBO JUMBO”
Prosecutor: he’s good
Judge: *slams gavel* case dismissed.