Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Arctic Scientist: your résumé said you have worked your whole life in extreme cold

Me: no, what it says is I’ve been working my entire life with *lowers sunglasses* zero degrees…

boss: this company is more profitable than ever

me: how about a raise?

boss: sorry i have to take this call

me: your phone isn’t ringing

boss: [fakes heart attack]

When an object reveals that it has some biological similarities to you don’t get so hung up on that phrasing. To me as in we are alike? To me as in I am its recipient in an exchange? One of your aloof scientist deadpan friends has started to freak out about the garage sale.

Me: But the sign says ‘no shirt, no shoes, no service’

Clerk: Pants are implied

[first day as a barista]

ME: large coffee ready for a *squints to read* nice hole

NICHOLE: oh come on

Friend: What’s it like having a tween daughter?

Me: *pretends I didn’t hear her*

Heads up, cartwheels are my favorite thing to do hands down

[plane hurtling toward earth in ball of fiery wreckage]

me [to person on my left]: are they coming around for trash again or did i miss it?

Me: Don’t touch your face until you’ve put hand sanitiser on.

* Turns around to see kid licking himself like a cat.

How come NASA sending their black hole to everyone is “Breaking News,” but me sending mine is an “HR violation?”

Cool how most makeup tutorial videos are like: ok, first, start out already young and pretty with no makeup.

All these Email scams must make it hard for Legitimate Nigerian Royalty to share large sums of cash with strangers!

Yes I have exams.
No, I’m not easily distracted.
Yes, my shadow is interesting.

My foot just now fell asleep which means I’ve finally gained its trust.

I once dated guy who talked so much about his ex-wife that I broke up with him and started dating her.

First thing I do when I move into a new apartment is buy a drum set

FACT: Had kids for one reason; to send them to the basement for paper towels when I run out of them in the kitchen. It’s scary down there.

Last year I ate out alone on Valentine’s Day. To avoid embarrassment, I yacked the whole time with a lovely couple the next table over.

A potential new client told me I reminded him of his first wife, “but in a good way.”

When we finished the consult and I told him my retainer he said, “I take back what I said about you reminding me of my first wife in a good way. You remind me of my first wife in every way.”

if you call football “soccer” in front of the wrong person, they will throw themselves on the ground, dramatically, hoping a referee will hold up a little card that makes you go away

My kids told me to stop using teen lingo because I’m “SO old”, so I’m going to show them just how old I am and start talking Valley Girl.

Most people don’t know this, but the North only won the Civil War because the South got half an inch of snow and they lost their damn minds.

It’s only my second day picking up my son from pre-school, and I’ve already learned the best question to ask if you want more than a one-word answer: Did anyone get in trouble today?

Songs with lyrics like, “We don’t need sleep,” why are you rebelling against naps? What are you–four?

{Me as Cop}
*Kneels over body* We’re looking for someone briefly introduced even though they don’t seem relevant to the overall plot line.

Doggy day care is like a regular day care except you have to enter from the rear.

I picked up a packet of party food (mini pies) in the supermarket and someone next to me said, “ooh, they look good!”

I had no idea what to say in reply so I panicked and said “thanks very much!”

Can’t shop there again.

What’s the biggest problem you have with your name?

My biggest problem?

Me: “Hi, I’m Marcus. Nice to meet you.”

Business people: “Hi, Marcus. Do you go by Mark?”

Me: “No. If I did then don’t you think I’d introduce myself as that?”

Twitter is like Words With Sociopaths.

WORK FROM HOME TIPS:

Have a routine. Shower/dress like normal. Keep a dedicated workspace. Fill a briefcase with sausages & carry it at all times. Stick to usual work hours. NEVER let raccoons trick you into trusting them with the beefcase: they dont have your interests at heart