Overheard one half of conversation:
-I should get this Chinese tattoo removed, it’s my ex wife’s name
-Yes, she was Chinese
-No she still is Chinese she’s just not my wife any more
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2020: How to turn 5 pieces of clothing into a yearlong wardrobe.
This wouldn’t be taking so long if they used the metric system for counting.
My 4 year old said he wants to go to JFK for some chicken. He won’t be majoring in history.
Oh sure, when the Fonz uses a public bathroom as his office, he’s “cool”, but when I do it, I’m a “creep”.
[homocide scene]
DETECTIVE:”my god, in my 25 years on the force i’ve never seen a dead ghost.”
COP:”sir?, we covered the body with a sheet.”
You can either have a nice evening or you can help your child with their math homework.
You can’t have both.
His last words were, “I’m just going to tell her to calm down, and remind her that she still hasn’t made dinner.”
I never finish what I start. I have a black belt in partial arts.
Teach your children to beatbox
I never knew the word “mom” could even have 7 syllables until I had kids.
“There should be a less mean way of saying the F word because some people might forget they can’t say that in school”
– my 6yo, absolutely not talking about herself
The downfall of society can be traced to when they stopped counting ketchup as a vegetable in school lunches.
Avril Lavigne is the lead singer of Maroon 5 right
I’d prob date Pete Davidson too if Instagram showed me a targeted ad for him more than 3x
BOSS: why are you late?
ME:
[at the gym]
PERSONAL TRAINER: What kind of body do you want to have?
ME: *leans in close* I’d prefer human
Quick question guys. Why is my therapist putting on boxing gloves?
This coyote won’t let me get close enough to put a sweater on him.
Leonardo the Vinci was 33 when he painted the sixteen chapel and here I am, 38 and I’ve not painted any chapels at all.
Me: Spends a trillion dollars on 100 activities during vacation.
“What was your favorite part of the trip?”
My toddler: “The hotel elevator!”
Wake up, kids! Bees can’t even read, much less spell. IT’S A SCAM!
nervously i bag my groceries in plastic while a giant melting iceberg waits in line behind me
So Mother Theresa puts a dish towel on her head and she’s a “saint” but when I put a dish towel on MY head I’m “drunk in the kitchen again?”
What adults say: I’m just gonna close my eyes for a minute.
What adults mean: goodnight see you tomorrow
“I bumped into your wife yesterday”
“Oh, where?”
“You know the café opposite the S&M club?”
“Yes”
“Opposite that café”
[texting with new girlfriend]
Her: What are you doing tonight?
Me (walking through adult section at video store): I dunno, might rent Lady and the Tramp
Her: You’re adorable
[two hours into describing a criminal to a police sketch artist]
…But when he took off the mask, he just looked like a normal guy
Saw the eye doctor, and that’s 90% of the vision test right there.
I don’t remember daylight savings having this much of an effect on me. Last night I went to bed at 9:30 and this morning I woke up standing in my neighbour’s backyard dressed as a scarecrow.