Overheard one half of conversation:
-I should get this Chinese tattoo removed, it’s my ex wife’s name
-Yes, she was Chinese
-No she still is Chinese she’s just not my wife any more
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A Guy Doing Push Ups ‘One.. Two.. Three..’
*A Girl Passes by..*
Guy: “82.. 83.. 84..”
Why is there only 50 shades of grey? Why not 5,000? What’s stopping them?
Owen Wilson being held upside down by his ankles: MOM
People in Arab nations are still wondering what all the western world hub bub about hump day and camel toe is about.
If you think my tweets are strange you should hear the squirrel’s side of the conversation.
Me: I’m so happy we are the first married astronauts to land on the moon
[later]
Wife: pass me the rock sample bags
Me: I thought you brought them
While America is suffering administrative paralysis, we should sneak in and change their spellings to the English ones, and replace the missing ‘u’ in their words.
There are two wolves inside you, I don’t remember what you’re supposed to do with them but I DO remember they WILL NOT do that thing with peanut butter that dogs will.
My laptop: *cannot find printer*
Me: *gesturing* look it’s right there
Despite popular opinion, you can eat fire. You just can’t eat it twice.
“Why do birds suddenly appear?”
To shit on my newly washed car, that’s why.
A coworker started telling my kids a story with the sort of zeal you often see from people who don’t have kids of their own. It took less than 4 minutes of inquiries and interruptions for my son to completely break her spirit and bring storytime to a grinding halt. That’s my boy.
The best part about Whole Foods is if you ask for a bag the cashier will look at you like you drowned a baby giraffe with your bare hands
She wasn’t quite sure
Brad was a bit older
He seemed kind of shy
But she was much bolder
She asked him to dinner
“I’d love to” he told her
When she kissed him good night
Things started to smolder
But she ended it there
And gave the cold shoulder
When she got a ring
She’d be Anna
boss: can we talk?
me: sure
boss: people are afraid of you because you’re obsessed with the devil
me: okay, first of all his name is lucifer
“Is it weird that my boxers are longer than my shorts?”
15: Dad, I want to live at mom’s now
“Don’t make eye contact, honey. We don’t want any trouble with them.”
It’s offensive when people unfollow me just because I unfollowed them. My tweets are still good, yours are not.
I’m sure there’ll be some making distasteful jokes about Williams’ death. How annoying for them that he would have thought of funnier ones.
How come it’s called “thrift store shopping” instead of Goodwill hunting?
Ladies, if all he does is make you cry then maybe you’re dating an onion and not a man.
Hoping all my fellow North Carolinians are staying safe. Except my 7th grade boyfriend. I hope that dude ends up in China.
[Lady is being robbed]
“Help, Social Media Man!”
[Social Media Man swoops in & creates a facebook page called Mugging Is Bad]
I took my family out to an authentic Vietnamese place. My wife and I had pho. The kids sewed Nikes for 14 hours and were beaten. Great pho.
[In meeting]
Boss: any comments?
Me: I wish I was drunk right now.
“It’s not you, it’s me.” – Humidity, to Heat
[Bee Gees voice]
you can tell by the way I use my walk,
that I stepped in shit,
while in the park
I never put a pair of socks together when I put them out to dry, because I think it’s nice for them to socialise with other socks & have some time apart. They’ll appreciate each other more when they’re back together.
Sometimes I think working from home may be affecting my brain.
Ebola has been in the US for 1 day and people are already wearing masks. AIDS has been here for 55 years and fools still don’t use a condom
I picked up good pizza and took it to Little Caesars to show it what happens to bad pizza.