Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

somebody posted a photo of a cat on nextdoor asking who’s cat it was and so far six people have claimed him

Intermittent fasting between breakfast and lunch then again between lunch and snack time. Then, you guessed it, between snack time and dinner then one more time between dinner and my late night beer and cheese tray. Just being healthy, I’m a health nut now

Just got my invitation to Lady Gaga’s wedding reception. I can choose between beef or chicken. Not for the meal, that’s the dress code.

Me: that’s BS

6: boring stuff?

Me, knowing I’ll probably regret it, but it will be funny: …yes

Why do they call it sweeping the leg and not defeeting your opponent?

To celebrate Halloween I made my scary movie hating husband watch, “Paranormal Activity” with me, waited till he fell asleep and ran through the house with powder in my socks leaving strange otherworldly footprints for him to find. The exorcism is being scheduled as we speak.

without fail i always get felt up by the tsa which is fine because air travel is expensive and i want my money’s worth

Me too, tin of tuna. Me too.

Snoring doesn’t sound like little honk shoo honk shoos and I feel like I’ve been lied to my entire life

Me: Enough about me, what are some of your interests?

Dinner Date: I love Youtube.

Me: Don’t call me a tube [looks around] you soup face.

What I was supposed to teach my kid before kindergarten:
1) phonics
2) writing
3) math

What I actually taught her:
1) the dance to Thriller

I was rudely awakened by my wife’s snoring and she had the nerve to get mad because I started howling at the moon.

My wife gives me the speaking treatment.

All this forehead and I can’t remember what I went into the kitchen for.

Me: Can I please have a stack of Italian pancakes?

Wife: you know damn well it’s called lasagna

Period tracker: 196 days late

Me: *wears white pants

Period: I’m ready for my comeback

[Ouija Board]

“Oh great spirits tell me ur secrets”

Ｙｏｕ＇ｌｌ ｄｉｅ ｓｏｏｎ

“OMG HOW”

Ｈｏｌｄ ｏｎ Ｉ ｈａｖｅ ａｎｏｔｈｅｒ ｃａｌｌ

lab assistant: i have good news and some bad news

me: ok what’s the good news

lab assistant: you got an a on your test

me: ok…and?

lab assistant: it’s hepatitis

the pumpkin was invented in 1942 when a watermelon put on a pair of corduroys.

I think it’s funny when people talk about the placement of a hair part being in or out of style, like thanks for the info but my hair does not involve me in any of its decision making processes.

BARISTA: what can I get you

ME: medium roast please

B: ok, your gray roots are getting obvious and you have the silhouette of a potato

M: *under breath* damn

Scuba instructor: Sharks can sense blood in a 2 mile radius.
*everyone turns to glare at me as I floss for the first time this year*

Me: What?

I set the automatic reply on my work email to “I don’t negotiate with terrorists.”

Now we wait.

“zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real”

– me, walking my dog at night

Pro Tip: you can’t just be sorry. You have to understand why I expect you to be sorry and be able to articulate that back to me in detail

The only problem with teaching little kids to share is that sometimes they want some of my stuff

With hindsight, putting that wind turbine near the end of the runway wasn’t the best idea.

Just found some of Moo Deng’s old tweets and woof it’s not looking good

Until I became a parent I had never heard a human cry because they bumped their head on the roof of a blanket fort

“No son of mine is going to spend his entire day playing video games!” I tell everyone on various social media sites.