overheard someone asking my wife how we met, and she replied “he was a fancy wooden horse to my Troy” and on one hand: that’s beautiful, but on the other hand: 😕
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hm. i’ve been alive 26 years and I still do not know what you’re supposed to eat for lunch on thanksgiving in order to maximize your dinner enjoyment
It’s impossible to slowly tiptoe around without activating T-Rex arms.
My kid dropped his apple slices and I asked if he wanted me to help him pick up, he said “no thank you, you can do it by yourself”
fireworks, because firehasbillstopay
What is love?
You just sang “baby, don’t hurt me.” In your mind didn’t you?
Airbnb host reported me for having my friend over so I reported her for having an undisclosed ring camera … we’re having a report
son: why is my name jesus
dad: mom wanted to name u after a rolemodel
other son: &me?
dad: well Charizard the same reason but it was my turn
May never get over this
me: the doctor said i have to stay in bed
boss: ok how long?
me: just a normal bed
HER: Put down the bottle babe you have an alcohol problem.
ME: *spritzing doorknobs* I can stop any time I want.
I just learned that at the Vienna airport there’s a counter specifically for people who arrived in Austria instead of Australia as they intended but apparently didn’t try hard enough
Her: come on over
Me: can’t. I’m sitting here pondering the meaning of the universe
Her: but I’m alone
Me: aren’t we all
ME: [rocking out front row at a concert] Woooo
THIRD CELLIST: Please sit down
Pringle’s: Once you pop, the fun don’t stop!
Me: *covered in Pringle’s shards and grease, surrounded by empty tubes* It’s true I’m having the time of my life
a deranged scientist in every rickety old house on top of every hill on the outskirts of every town. that’s my promise, should i be elected
Scientists claim that the Big Bang was the loudest noise that has ever occured in history. They obviously haven’t met my kids.
I trimmed all the bushes in the front yard to make my house look bigger.
Yeah it’s disrespectful when someone copies your tweet word for word to appear like they wrote it.
But honestly? It almost feels worse when you see someone copied your tweet AND it got no likes or retweets.
Like wait wtf why didn’t their friends like my joke tho? 😤 How rude.
I like how your profile picture is you at your wedding, so are you like a professional bride
My mailman is scared of me because I’m always doing handstands on my porch when he comes by and I sometimes chase him around a little
MySpace just bought a pack of Ramen noodles.
Gotta love it when people get a half inch of snow and think the world is ending.
Canadian up.
So he says ” Nice glasses” and I say ” Thanks! They’re for seeing ”
*slaps knee*
I googled “where do ninjas live?” no results were found.
Well played ninjas. Well played.
The loudness of the sound made by setting a plate in the sink is directly proportional to the number of sleeping people you are trying not to wake.
My son ran away again, but it gets worse. He changed the wifi password before he left.
A t-shirt gun outfitted for Costco hotdogs.
This will be my last writing as I’ve just entered IKEA with my family.
Tell my story.
No, not that one.
No, not that one either. Why would I want you to tell people about my time in a Turkish prison with a pregnant meerkat? Idiot.
My god she’s good.
