Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I left my lunch on my counter. I work an hour away from home. More upsetting than any breakup. Doodling a turkey sandwich in my notebook. What could’ve been.

[at TED talk]

OMG that man is having a heart attack! Anyone here a doctor?

*entire crowd stands*

No a MEDICAL doctor

*entire crowd sits*

Jogging

What my girlfriend thought, first 4 dates:
1. Nice shirt.
2. Wow. A second nice shirt.
3. Okay, first shirt again.
4. He has two shirts.

Shuffling into the kitchen in a robe Sunday morning to change the clock on the microwave is the lamest form of time travel ever.

I was raised by a single mother who worked 60 hours a week. Today I was too lazy to eat a mango.

By far the dumbest thing I’ve made

One of the most unexpected results of my extended sobriety is that I’m still clumsy as hell.

I don’t use dating sites, I meet girls the old fashioned way: never

Just in case you’re thinking about having kids, I just broke up an argument about “excessive angry blinking” at each other.

OK doomscrolling is bad but have you SEEN the quality of the doom this week?

Ok hear me out ….A smoke detector that turns off when you scream “I’m only cooking “

Ok, it’s nearly 3.30 am here, someone give me some good sleeping tips! If I don’t answer you know they’ve worked!

Got charged with impersonating a police officer, which would’ve been a lot less embarrassing had I not been a serving police officer at the time.

When a zoo animal dies they always call it “beloved” or a “crowd favorite” like there’s some animal named “Jimmy the zebra everyone hates”

I used to quickly lick the tip of my pencil when writing my poignant thoughts but now I have to eat three or four pencils just to make a grocery list

If I don’t stumble across a dead body soon, I’m going to quit jogging all together

Stages of home cleanliness:

1. Spotless
2. Tidy
3. Messy
4. Apocalyptic doom
5. Unsupervised toddler

“We need something strong and durable to protect cellphones from damage”

LG: Plastic?

Samsung: Metal?

iPhone 8: What about Glass?

I say “Mmmmhmmmm” to 99% of the questions my kids ask me until I notice them looking horrified and then I go, “Wait! What??? NO!”

If I could have immunity to anything I would pick calories

why’s it called Top Gun when the guns are on the bottom of the plane

me: my cup runneth over…

sperm bank receptionist: please take that off the counter.

Teacher: I’m worried because your daughter keeps spelling her name T-R-M-N-L.

Me: but I just taught her how to spell PAIGE.

Teacher: tell me what you told her.

Me: P as in Pterodactyl, A as in Artist, I as in Imaginary, G as in Gnat, and E as in Elephant.

I’d like to think this guy started out with a scribble pad by the telephone and then took a REALLY long phone call.

Appears Hallmark doesn’t make a card for Condolences to a hot widow, for the untimely death of her elderly husband, under somewhat suspicious circumstances, and who may in fact be a person of interest.

They banned trick or treating this year so I’ll just be sitting on my porch handing out bad advice to anyone who walks by.

The ankle monitor stays on during sex, but only because it has to.

Who called it a psychic reading instead of prophet sharing?