overheard someone asking my wife how we met, and she replied “he was a fancy wooden horse to my Troy” and on one hand: that’s beautiful, but on the other hand: 😕
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friend: let’s meet up soon
me: *in the crow’s nest of a ship docking outside your house* when though
Me: Maybe I’ll go out tonight
Depression: No, you will cry yourself to sleep instead
Anxiety: It’s my turn and I want you to have a full blown panic attack
Stress Eating: Guys, let’s play together
They are making gluten free communion wafers now. I guess you eat them because they represent the beach-body of Christ.
To think, just 30 years ago, I would have to yank the phone off the wall, and bring it to the bathroom to drop it in the toilet.
COP: PUT YOUR HANDS UP
OCTOPUS: They’re tentacles
COP: OK PUT ALL 8 TENTACLES UP
OCTOPUS: Two are my legs, dude
COP: Just go. I give up.
It tastes fantastic but it takes forever to make. What should we call it? A trifle? Yeah, that makes sense.
😭😭
Child twister: “I can’t tear up that farmhouse, Dad”
Dad twister: “Come on son – we’re Kansas tornadoes, not Kan’tsas tornadoesn’ts”
“Name him Mufasa, it means “king” in Manazoto. And uh, we’ll call HIM Scar. Because his face.”
Simba’s grandparents were the real villains.
There should be a socially acceptable way to say, “I’m not sure what to say to that. Can you please say something different?”.
‘m developing a new fragrance for introverts
It’s called “Leave me the fuh cologne”
Before marriage: Kisses
After marriage: Hisses
This is now my favourite pie chart ever.
911: Did you ring yesterday?
Boy: No
911: Day before?
Boy: Definitely not
911: Your voice is familiar
Boy: Please just help
911: Ok can you describe your attacker?
Boy: It’s a wolf
911: Oh for fu
Humans in sci-fi: Stupid artificial beings LOL. They don’t have FEELINGS, so you can treat them like SHIT
Humans in real life: I put googly eyes on my toaster. His name is James now, and I will protect him with my LIFE
Email from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Voicemail from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Text from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Receptionist from the dental office in my kitchen during breakfast on Friday: You have an appt today at 2 pm
Everyone has that one friend they’ve known for years and still have no idea what they actually do for a living but it’s too late to ask
I just found a gray hair and I’m shocked this past year only gave me the one
I would probably have too much fun as a mortician asking customers whether they would prefer “Smoking” or “Non-smoking” as opposed to “Cremation” or “Burial”.
If birds started attacking me I’d just hold up a window and let them fly into it
Yes I wore a $900 fuchsia southern belle dress to your kid’s baptism. When I was your bridesmaid, you said I could always wear it again.
The cops are here, Uncle Dave. Last chance to peacefully return my nose
My coworkers think I’m always busy but I’m really just trying to remember my password.
{me trying to sound cool in front of my son’s friends} ‘sup bruhs tell your moms i said yeet
Please accept this lovely parting gift as our way of encouraging you to leave.
History Trivia: In many photographs of Hitler,a golden retriever wearing a Nazi uniform can be seen. This is notorious war criminal Herr Bud
Honey I made you some hotdog water
*putting all my eggs in one basket and singing about it” carry yolky
Don’t throw away old pyjamas. Collect as many pairs as you can, and in the middle of the night spread them out on Russell Brand’s front lawn so that when he wakes up he’ll think he’s missed the Rapture.
Me: *taps one-night-stand on forehead* Unfollowed.
One-Night-Stand: It doesn’t work like that…
Me: *taps him on forehead again* Blocked.