Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Interviewer: Any questions?

Me: How come Cinderella was able to talk to the mice but not the birds, cat or dog??

I’m so excited that the gyms are opening up on Monday. No, not to go workout, silly. To cancel my membership.

Don’t be so critical of the human race. This is the first time we’ve destroyed a planet.

“I’m so glad I stopped killing spiders after re-reading Charlottes Web”, I say out loud to my delicious bacon

What’s the point buying it then?

Just had lunch with my 3rd grader at her school. She got embarrassed when I tried to kiss her. So, like any good mom, I started twerking.

Cop – Have you been drinking?
Me – No, just taking my photo with R2D2 here.
Cop – Sir that’s a fire hydrant.

I’m explaining to my mom this is what happens when a goth girl wished for global annihilation as she blew out her birthday candles.

ME: eat your veggies so you grow up big and strong

SON: *looks me up and down* you didn’t eat your veggies, did you

ME: *under breath* damn, son

It’s OK, The Phantom Menace. I also came out in 1999 and am a bit disappointing

If the One Ring had been a kitten then Sauron would have spent the whole book trying to find his kitten, sending whole armies out to look for it, while the fellowships heroic quest involved throwing a kitten in a volcano. Makes you think

[on way to play charades with gf’s family]
I don’t wanna go
why
I don’t wanna look silly
you won’t
*first thing I have to act out is pasta*

you: *finger guns*

me: *collapses*

you: *thinking im dead, lowers your finger guns*

me: *quickly rolls on my side, points my finger guns at you*

you: *freezes*

me: *unbuttons my shirt to reveal a finger-proof vest*

you: *starts to raise your finger guns

me: *finger guns*

😂😂

8: “You know how Makayla and Abby are our cousins?”
Me: “Yeah”
8: “Did you know that WE’RE also THEIR cousins?!”

Turns out men don’t like being asked when their due date is either

Diabetes: you’re my type.

Me: you’re my type 2

Not many talk about it anymore, ever since they dropped the sport as “not Olympic enough,” “undignified and stupid,” and “Who the hell let him in here again?” but I was proud to represent the US at the ’56 Winter Games in Men’s Pillow-Fighting.

Tonight I’m going to be naughty and tie my man to the bed. Then I’ll make him watch a Golden Girls marathon while I eat the left over pizza.

My wife’s so square in bed she has cubic hair

Someone asked me what role I would play in a zombie apocalypse and I’d love to say I’d be some heroic zombie slayer but in my heart I know I’m the guy who gets bit and lies to everyone about it

I thought I had an electric toothbrush, but it turns out I just have really unsteady hands.

Me : can you be my quarantine partner ?

Her : Hmmm …first , Show me your
stimulus package

Me : 🤦🏾‍♂️

Her : DO NOT TOUCH YOUR FACE.

A snail can sleep for up to 3 years. I didn’t know it was even possible to be this jealous.

dude at the dispensary is shooting his shot w a girl by explaining the entirety of Naruto. Everybody pray for him rn

“Have them press 1 again.”
“Good.”
“Now, 3 minutes of silence.”
“Are they still there?”
“Give them 18 minutes of pan flute.”

– Call Center Training

the small neighbor human. is hanging outside with some ice cream. and it is melting. way faster than it is being eaten. the only real solution here. is for me to trot over and help

I’m 43 years old, and 1995 was 4 years ago, but 2003 was somehow 30.

Added some new forms of payment to this store…

BOSS: this is our mortician, david

ME: *goes up for a high five* more like caDAVEer, amirite

DAVID:

ME: just gonna stiff me, huh?

DAVID:

ME: ᵒᶠ ᶜᵒʳᵖˢᵉ ʸᵒᵘ ᵃʳᵉ