overheard someone asking my wife how we met, and she replied “he was a fancy wooden horse to my Troy” and on one hand: that’s beautiful, but on the other hand: 😕
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*stops midway* wait….did you say shrek or shark
-me as a tattoo artist
11yo: My Girl Scout vest is lost. I’ve looked EVERYWHERE.
Me: *ransacks house looking*
*digs in garbage*
*combs through school’s 5-ton lost-and-found pile*
*forms 15 person search party*
*asks NASA if they’ve seen it*
11yo: I found it. I hung it up in my closet.
Gonna start posting empty plates on Instagram with the caption “this was really good”
“Traaains”
– traveling zombies
A British person will be slightly insulted by someone, not say anything, nurture a lingering resentment, patiently bide their time, and eventually, in an unrelated conversation with the person years later, will remark, “that’s typical of you.” Usually across a dining table.
Asking the real questions!
Me: I’m in tears
Bored people on the internet: DO YOU KNOW HOW OFFENSIVE THAT IS TO PEOPLE WITH DRY EYE??
The teenage boy cashier just told my wife that her tampon coupon is expired…and all of Target went silent.
My 4yo asked if I thought a robber came in the night, ate all the Halloween candy then threw the wrappers in the bin and I maintained eye contact while telling her that was the only possible explanation
Don’t wanna brag, but I just beat my own record for most consecutive days spent without dying.
Gotta love it when people get a half inch of snow and think the world is ending.
Canadian up.
CUT, CUT!! [Music stops]
LOOK IT’S A WESTERN MUSICAL
[Rubs temples] YOU HAVE TO KEEP THE COWBOY HAT ON-
[Cat runs off] Meow!
I’m going to be the most petty poltergeist ever. I’ll do things like unplug your phone charging overnight
I suspect in a previous life I was either Napoleon or maybe some socks.
I hope my family appreciates the irony when I choke to death on one of these enormous daily multi-vitamins.
astronaut: houston come in
houston: this had better be important
astronaut: it’s urgent
houston: fine what
astronaut: [drinking soda out of the air] rootbeer float
I’ve never used survival skills while lost on a hike in the woods, but once I ate 3 Snicker’s Bars trying to find my way out of a Walmart.
me: this glass is too small
bartender: would you prefer a tumbler
me: yes
acrobat: what can I get you
WIFE: OMG how did grandma’s ashes get knocked off the mantel?
ME: Actually I think it was-
*cat makes throat slice gesture*
-the wind
romantic comedies are like “he didn’t realize he had feelings for his best friend until she took off her glasses”
*gets Ouija board*
Spirits, are there Pringles in the kitchen?
landlord: your income needs to be 3x rent
me: can you tell my boss that
When algebra teachers retire, how do they deal with the aftermath?
Clark Kent: *removes glasses*
Freddie Prinze Jr: wow I never realized how beautiful you are
“Kids, are you asleep?”
Kids:
*turns off the wifi*
MUUUUUUUUUUM
The goose: Canada’s most violent saxophone.
[to the person sitting next to me on my flight] where u headed
[interview]
HIM: What are your strengths?
ME: Well, I can see dead people.
HIM: Wow, interesting. Any hobbies?
ME: Grave digging
I can’t wait until my kids have a place of their own so I can come barging through their door & say “what’s for dinner? I don’t like that. Can you give me money for McDonald’s?”