overheard someone asking my wife how we met, and she replied “he was a fancy wooden horse to my Troy” and on one hand: that’s beautiful, but on the other hand: 😕
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“Daddy’s not home, so for dinner we’re having a smorgasbord!” I tell the kids, using the Swedish word for chicken nuggets and Benadryl.
Pilot is one of the few jobs where you can get fired for going above and beyond
Somewhere, a ninja watches “I Didn’t Know I was Pregnant.” An imperceptible smile creeps across his lips. “Damn right you didn’t.”
I would travel a million miles to be with you for 30 minutes.
Unless I had to walk. Then it’s one block max.
What are you hiding in your locked instagram? sandwiches? Sunsets???? let us see your nephew!!!!
COVID-1: can only speak in rhymes
COVID-2: forgets the color blue is real
COVID-3: lycanthropy
COVID-4: cries snake venom tears
COVID-5: [REDACTED]
COVID-10: clown absorption
COVID-11: Mothman Syndrome
COVID-12 thru COVID-18: advanced lycanthropy
COVID-19: current crisis
Mario has killed more turtles than straws have but we don’t ban him.
I’ve spent the last six months trying to find my Mother-In-Law’s killer, but no one is willing to do it.
Since summer is almost over here’s a list of all the places I got to visit:
1. Work
I hear the Pink Panther song when I sneak down the hall for a midnight snack..
According to Facebook, 78% of girls I went to high school with now own their own photography business.
How does a cricket know if his joke has bombed?
perseus is an idiot, he brought a sword to beat medusa. that’s literally trying to beat rock with scissors
Stop staring at my chest dude,
It’s like you’ve never seen ‘dual pocket snack holders’ before.
Me: Haha I just never know what to do with my hands while getting my picture taken.
Cop taking my mugshot: Just hold still.
People talk about how nice Keanu Reeves is, but when I ran into him in the street he wasn’t nice at all. He was very insulting about my driving and refused to sign an autograph until I’d called him an ambulance.
*shopping*
4yo: I found pajamas with a t-rex on them. We can go home now
Me: We need other stuff too
4yo: No. This is all we need. Let’s go!
Me: Have a taste of your own medicine
*I force the pills the Dr. prescribed for me down his throat*
Me: WHO HAS ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION NOW?!
Establish dominance on rival dads by rubbing sunscreen on your kids, right when they’re getting yelled at for not bringing sunscreen
BATMAN: *struggling to escape from chains*
RIDDLER: Not so fast, Caped Crusader! You have to solve my riddle first! *sneaking a look at his son’s math textbook* If one train leaves Pittsburgh at 8am traveling at 65mph…
Why does ma Nana’s dog look like he’s trying tae see what he wants tae order from the chippy
[dinner]
HER: lose the spear
ME: but you said we having wild rice
I’m just saying, if I was a divorce lawyer, I’d locate my firm directly across the street from an Ikea.
The world needs a more violent way to give people clothing. ~the inventor or the t-shirt gun
Robert Downey Jr. will always be my hero, not because of Iron Man, but because he broke into someone’s home just to take a nap.
Katy Perry is such an inspiration to all those young girls out there who want to grow up and ride giant golden tigers.
Michael Phelps just won another gold medal for taking the quickest bath.
i like calling a man my “former lover” because then it sounds like it happened in france and not in the bonefish grill parking lot
“You’d better run, egg!”
I love how one day my body just decided “You know what you really need is some ear hair.”