Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Next time you’re in a public bathroom and someone knocks, assert dominance by saying come in

Tweet like you’ll never run for public office.

It’s hard eating this ramen with chopsticks. The broth keeps spilling on the steering wheel.

My parties got a hundred times better when I realized if I didn’t invite anybody I could eat all the snacks.

$4 #usedbooks

Going to wash my car then when I get back it’s all politics for me from here on out. I don’t really pay attention so I won’t know what I’m talking about but that’s clearly not stopped any of you

My kids are giving all the people on this plane a hard lesson in birth control right now.

My neighbor is having a party for his daughter. I have been listening to Justin Bieber for 3 hours. Do not interact with me.

Hubs accidentally picked up my coffee cup this morning, took a big gulp, and spewed it out across the table. What a waste of good Scotch.

Raised and lowered my arm today so my Fitbit will stop alerting people that I’m dead.

(scientists naming weird spiny thing in a bush)
Scientist 1: This thing sucks
Scientist 2: Yeah!
S1: It’s hogging all the hedges!
S2: Wait.

i don’t really hate you but if you were falling off a cliff
i would be waving good bye

in movies the saddest thing a single woman can do is eat a microwave dinner, but a true rock bottom is eating a hot dog with normal bread as a bun…studios are too scared of that reality

Had a nightmare I’d gone blond and woke up with yellow hair. Turns out if you dye in your dreams…

Lawyer: the evidence points to him as our prime suspect

Me [lips on the mic]: tell the evidence it’s not polite to point

Whenever I’m in doubt, I ask myself “What would Jesus do?” then I remember Jesus got crucified, his decision making skills weren’t brilliant

God: You really should return to Earth
Jesus: *takes bong hit* Tomorrow
God: You’ve been saying that for centuries
Jesus: *exhales*

I got groceries delivered from Safeway and there was a mix up where instead of hand soap and dish detergent I got a bag with 4 jars of salsa, I’m over here washing my hands with salsa and somewhere else in the city there’s a chips n’ soap party going on

Trying to not lose my SHIT as someone in the office kitchen continues to call Thomas the Tank Engine “Thomas the Train”

*Meanwhile on a date*

Her: So what do you do?

Me: I’m a photographer.

Her: Wow, really?

Me: Yes. I picture us together.

*Slaps knee*

“Forgive me father, for I have pinned.”

Them: You need to eat more fresh vegetables!

Me: *going for more freshly baked potatoes* I’m on it!

Watching the Olympics I was inspired to get back out running as I’ve put quite a bit of timber on. Pulled a muscle trying to pull up my running socks. The mrs hasn’t stopped laughing

I love it when people throw out those inspirational tweets like ‘live life to the fullest’ after they’ve spent the entire day on Twitter.

I’ve reached that age where I don’t have to drink to forget because it just happens naturally now.

#rubbishjokes
How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb?

None – it’s a hardware problem.

I hate it when I want wine and the wine home delivery man hasn’t been invented yet.

Sarah Palin’s new Christmas book is her attempt at valuing the sanctity Christmas so she can sell books and make money just like baby Jesus.

Things that cause extreme panic:
– Accidentally liking a Tweet
– No milk
– Unknown numbers
– The question “you don’t remember me do you?”

Hey dude, there’s 10 empty urinals in here no need to stand right next to…
And now he’s talking to me!

Someone call 911!