Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[ocean’s 11 music]
So here’s the plan,we iron me flat, then slide me into an ATM via the card slot. Once inside, it’s a cash playground boys

“Don’t look a gift horse in the mouth,” I whisper as I discover my strange mole is actually a half melted chocolate chip.

I deserve a reward for backing out of my driveway without hitting one blade of grass, a sprinkler head, or a small tree.

*police searching my home

So, the coffin is for Halloween?

Yes. Yes it is.

I know my daughter is just like me because when I asked why she didn’t like her school’s guided meditation, she said: “Because don’t tell me when to breathe, that’s why.”

The best part about my sex life is all the free time it affords me.

My wife and I role play “The Fast and the Furious” in bed. Me and her, respectively.

Once again I find myself online shopping for a velvet cloak at 4am. But fear not, me. one day you will be online shopping for something else at 4am whilst wearing a beautiful velvet cloak.

body: you’re dehydrated

me: I literally just drank a glass

narrator: that was 3 days ago

Wife: He keeps his friend close so he doesn’t lose him

Therapist: Not a bad thing

Me [yawns and a bee flies from my mouth]: Come back Alan

bank transfers when they’re taking money out of your account: haha yeah we can do this at the speed of light now. w/e its cool

bank transfers when they’re putting money in your account: hold on there pardner. we have to load this check on a pony and ride it across texas first

Jumping outta trees onto unsuspecting joggers

When I was a kid my family was so poor my parents were forced to give my imaginary friend up for adoption.

*Person in front of me using 73 coupons*

Customers behind me: huffing and puffing

Me: [eyes glued to screen] That one was for $2! Yahhhhss

My 8yo (a qualitative soul): How cool is THAT!!
Me (a quantitative soul): *reaches for thermometer*

Me: *holding my dog* it’s his 3rd birthday so technically he’s 21
Bouncer: Still no

I was in a park and a lady loudly called out “Anyone who wants an ice cream come over here”. I headed over with several others. She handed out ices to them all then asked me “Who are you?”. I realised the rest were all her family. 30 years later I still cringe.

Not telling the NYPD how to do their job but if they really wanted to catch the guy they should have offered free healthcare as a reward

I honestly have allergies and dry skin this time of year, but it never looks good for a dude to have tissues & lotion on his desk.

eating all the chips in my house so that I won’t be tempted to eat all the chips

Dads love saying, “I can see 3 eggs from where I’m standing that you haven’t found yet.”

Me: it’s time to go to sleep

3: Nope, I don’t think so

Me: who asked you?!

Everyone: Sleep when your baby sleeps.

My brain: Oh man she’s so cute. Just stare at her for two hours straight until she wakes up again.

[Husband’s Exorcism]
Priest: What is your name?
Demon: Jim
Wife: Jim who owes us $100 or hot Jim?
Demon: Nice legs Carol
Wife: Let’s keep him. Next…

I really miss Jake. And Clyde. And Marissa. Gina too. I should stop naming my cupcakes right before I eat them. 🙁

Thank God I never know what anyone is talking about

We have a big clock on the wall of our living room and now my toddler, who can’t say her L’s very well, loves pointing out other “big clocks” everywhere we go

[on a movie date]

me: wanna kiss

date: no thanks

me: *turning to the other person next to me* what about u

I can turn a case of beer into a drunk man. Your move, Jesus.

[Approaches table]
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Him: This is an AA meeting.
Me: Oh, I’m sorry. Can I buy you some drugs?