Overheard the most hilarious conversation on my morning commute, then realized it was just me talking to myself in my car.
I need a vacation.
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It’s very funny to me that in The Wizard of Oz Glinda is like “only bad witches are ugly” five seconds after asking Dorothy if she’s a good witch or a bad witch.
my mom: you still coming over today?
me: definitely
mom: great I have a few things from IKEA for you to put tog—
me: i cant make it
I’m quite sure if Adam had offered Eve a donut, that whole Garden of Eden thing would’ve gone in an entirely different direction.
Her: How do you like your bacon?
Me: In bulk
me, last week when it was dark in evenings: what is the point of anything
me a week later now there is light: I am so happy to be alive so I can eat fresh mango
ROBIN: do you go to church
CATWOMAN: yeah i’m catholic
ROBIN: what’s a holic
Just got my invitation to Lady Gaga’s wedding reception. I can choose between beef or chicken. Not for the meal, that’s the dress code.
[stabbing you with a knife]
I’m just being sarcastic, lighten up.
HARRY POTTER: Alohamora
MORA: Aloha, Harry
Friend: Don’t you love these new yoga pants? They come with a little pocket for your phone.
Me: Your phone? *quietly stuffs cookies back in pocket*
McDonald’s just offered me a coupon book to promote the mcrib in a tweet?? Lmao no thanks,, im not THAT cheap. Not like the McDonald’s™️ McRib™️ sandwich. So tangy. So delicious. A little slab of heaven for a mere $2.99 now available for a limited time only
me: babe, i think we’re ready to take this to the next level. here’s a key, i want you to move in
her: it says volvo on it
[job interview]
Interviewer: “Describe yourself in 2 words.”
Me: “Atinubs. Econsibu.”
Interviewer: “You’re hired. Welcome to CAPTCHA.”
That’s weird, my waitress stopped flirting after I paid the bill…
I couldn’t help but notice how you have pistachios that you’d probably like to share.
Married 25 years, yet the wife and I still find things to talk about every day.
Just not with each other, obviously.
Chestnut implies the existence of legnut, armnut, necknut and the much anticipated buttnut.
Her : I like you
Me : You’re mistaken
Me: honey, want anything from the grocery store
Him: I feel like grapes but I don’t really like grapes
Me: say no more
Apparently “A shit ton” is not the correct response when a girl scout asks how many boxes.
When you say you’re a “foodie”, that means you like to eat gross food and then pretend that you like it? When I was a kid that just meant I got dessert.
Way more cannibalism in the Barbie movie than I expected
robber: alright everybody hit the floor!
me, wearing applebottom jeans and the boots with the fur: my time has come
Nothing makes me more proud of my son’s sense of humor, than when he asks me for help with his algebra homework.
every night i say to my husband, “go up without me, I have to take my vitamins” but I’m just eating cookie dough
Me: (squeezing into a gown) I’m so sick of the fashion industry. Who do you even make these clothes for? Children?
Disney Store clerk: Yes.
DOCTOR: “Ok, now PUSH!”
WOMAN IN LABOUR: “Should I be doing this in my state?”
DR: [leaning out of car window] “Less talky, more pushy.”
So many conspiracy theory tweets on my timeline right now about Kate Middleton, when the actual answer is staring us all right in the face: she abandoned her family to do an intensive, residential Photoshop course, and pretended to be having surgery to cover it up.
Him: sex tonight?
Me: Work put me in a bad mood
Him: tomorrow?
Me: I have a headache tomorrow