Overheard the most hilarious conversation on my morning commute, then realized it was just me talking to myself in my car.
I need a vacation.
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The stages of sharing a vacation rental with another family are:
1. Wish we were more like them
2. At least we’re not like them
Didn’t get any sleep last night….I spent the entire time wondering where the sun went.
Then it dawned on me.
Always the bridesmaid, never the father of the bride.
ghost, are we friends?
*ouija board spells out “SURE”
do you suppose we could ever be… well, more than that?
*ghost favs but doesn’t reply*
PROFESSOR: Please don’t speak without raising your h-
ME: [raises hand]
PROFESSOR: [wheeling cadaver table away from me] I meant your own hand
[me holding a door]
PRETTY GIRL: [over her shoulder] thanks.
ME: sorry, i’m married, but in time you’ll get over me.
-Honey, what made you fall in love with me?
-Your mother.
-But my mother lives 5000 miles away.
-That’s why…
I just got a text saying they lost my cell number & could I send it. This is the level of stupid I deal with.
Dance like no one is watching.
Sing like no one is listening. A
Eat salty food like your blood pressure cuff is broken.
People terrible at the sex should take notes from dentists & give out goody bags. It’s like yeah that was all uncomfortable but here’s some goodies so you’ll hit me up again.
The man that loves to eat on a lounger by the pool is a manipooleater
Never mess with a drunken pig.
Cop: you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You thought I was black?
Cop: Haha. Yep. You’re free to go sir
“It’s definitely better without a condom” I say, removing it from my soup
HER: I can’t be with a guy who thinks he’s Optimus Prime
ME: I can change Becky
HER: promise?
ME: into a semi truck
I hate it when restraining orders get in the way of meaningful relationships.
Well played future wife. You win this round
HER: Why is your safe full of pasta?
ME: A penne saved is a penne earned.
I walked up to my 9yo and said, “How goes it?” He looks up at me and says, “God is history’s greatest serial killer.”
[SPELLING BEE]
“Your word is HOTELIER”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“I bet my hotel is hotelier than yours”
Let’s find out what pisses the crickets off and do THAT during the day
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
ME: don’t involve me in your bullshit
SON: it’s called homework
[poking you repeatedly in the shoulder] I’ll keep this up until you acknowledge me. I’ve got nowhere else to be.
If you think voting is pointless wait until you hear about writing posts here.
Boyfriend Test: Sour Skittles in one hand. Peanut Butter M&Ms in the other. Which do you choose?
WRONG. Neither. Don’t ever take my candy.
doctor: [pulling out anal beads]
me: this is embarrassing
doctor: sorry I should have done it before you arrived
“were u & mommy wrestling naked last night?”
haha no honey ur mom & i were just playing
*pulls wife aside* DID U TELL HER ABOUT FIGHT CLUB?
Sorry, I sometimes blackmail people when I’m nervous….
If you haven’t been to the Grand Canyon, I highly recommend it. It’s just gorges
Jacob Marley: You’ll be visited by 3 gho—
Me: *already applying lipstick* Are they hot?