My friend just told me she’s sick and when I asked how she thinks she got it she told me it all started when she yelled at a bird who attacked her and I don’t know if I’m ready to dive into this
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GOD: let’s give them sinus cavities that fill up with snot and make their face hurt
ANGEL: all the time?
GOD: no just when they’re sick and also when they try to enjoy nice things like flowers and outside
ANGEL: why?
GOD: you keep saying that word
GROCERY CLERK: I’m sorry sir, but we’re out of pumpkins. I hear some people use watermelons instead, would you like one of those?
HEADLESS HORSEMAN: No, that… that’s not going to work for me.
The worst thing about millennial parents is that they name their pets human names and their kids pet names. They be like:
“Luna, don’t take Josh’s cone off, he just got spayed!”.
A diamond is forever, and so is my teen’s grudge against me for giving her a sister and not a brother 10 years ago.
I caught two kids smoking pot outside my office. Fifteen minutes later my boss caught me and two kids smoking pot outside my office.
I don’t mean to brag but I’m a lot more trouble than I’m worth.
Haha no i do not care what people think of me. Why what have u heard tell me everything right now
The best part about talking to a narcissist is how there isn’t any pressure to add to the conversation.
{Talking to my friend who just had twins}
HIM: It’s so much harder than just having one!
ME: Well sure, cuz you have to decide which will be the control and which will be the experimental.
HIM: What?
ME: What?
This new flavor of Pringles is horrible. First of all, they aren’t even cut up. Secondly, they taste like tennis balls.
Me: *puts six steaks on the grill*
Wife: Don’t you think that’s too much? It’s just us and the kids.
Me: Wait, you guys are eating, too?
My 6yr old says she’s going to stay up until the New Year, NO MATTER WHAT. She just asked if it was midnight yet, it’s 7:05.
Are you even a person if you were born in a generation that isn’t named after a letter?
Making friends was so much easier as a kid.
5: This is the smallest finger I have.
Other 5yo at the park: Well this is the smallest finger I have!
Both: (giggle)
Don’t worry about video games causing violence. That would require leaving the couch and interacting with reality.
I’m only listening outside the bathroom door to make sure you’re not touching the decorative hand towels.
Husband: I don’t understand
Kids: MOM MOM
H: how we are not
K: DAD DAD
H: able to get
K: MOM MOM
H: more done around the house?
Kids: MOM DAD MOM DAD MOM DAD
H: Never mind.
I just left a court docket with 47 cases. I was number 4 and 43. The judge took the bench and took one look at me with my Kleenex and hacking cough and said, “Patient zero, YOU will be going first.”
Never has looking like complete crap made me so happy.
*i look my lawyer dead in the face*
I said ask him.
*lawyer stands up*
Your honor my client would like to know where you got that robe.
*walks in on family gathering*
I AM NOT CLEANING UP ALL OF THIS BLOOD
Driving along the expressway and a truck with an open tailgate just bounced a cooler into the lane ahead of me and I didn’t even panic all those years of Mario Kart finally paid off
genie: make a wish
bob: I wish I was rich
genie: your wish is granted
rich: thank you
When I weakly slam the microwave door, but it doesn’t latch and springs back to smack me in the face… I probably deserved that.
Bartender: “I see your glass is empty. Would you like another?”
Me: “What on earth would I do with 2 empty glasses?”
I’m alibisexual. Im attracted to anyone who will say they were with me last Tuesday between 3 and 5 AM
You guys know monogamy is NOT a type of wood, right?!?
inventor of the sword: [watching a sword swallowing contest] oh no. no no no
If you made me mad in the 90s, I’d pickup up the landline while you were on the internet
LOL pills that say don’t take with alcohol. Ok Doc, how do YOU
suggest I take my medication then?
Been given the task of creating the perfect fish pun and, friends, the struggle is eel