Overheard This Weekend
Boy: Babe comes over to my place.
Gal: what do you want us to do?
Boy: Just to chill
Gal: I don’t chill. That’s how people end up with chill-dren!
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[FIRST DAY AS A LAWYER]
Bailiff: Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth.
Witness: I do.
Me: How do I look in these pants?
No self control, must pet the kitty 😂
Me: Do you know the difference between hot and cold?
4: They both rhyme, daddy!
Instructions for frozen chicken pot pie:
1. Preheat oven to 400
2. Cook on baking sheet for 16 days
3. Let stand 5 minutes before serving
‘this never happened to me so it probably never happened’
– idiots
[leaving 5 minute voicemail] …and you can reach me at [deep breath] *says phone number as fast as possible, slurring the numbers together*
The Hallmark channel. Where else can you watch a two hour movie and not recognize a single actor?
in a really good place right now!! (ordered something off the sandwich menu and it turned out to be a “toast” and i almost started crying)
sure, I’m hype for tekken because video game but I’m also here for the soundtrack
Welcome to earth! You have a choice of private parts. Would you like the one that creates life & bleeds or the constant bad decision maker?
Here’s a tip how about designing a Band-Aid that you can open before you bleed out WHAT AN IDEA
the annoying thing about the top secret documents is that now we’re all talking about them and i’m just like, omg what do they say???? and i keep forgetting we’re not allowed to know and that’s the whole point. but like, just tell me!!!! i won’t tell i swear
Olive Garden. Where the prices are high, but the expectations are low…
[first day in hell]
hostess: welcome to hell. please take a seat
waiter: *pouring wine* your steak will be out shortly, sir
me: wow this isn’t so bad
group of waiters approaching in distance: happpppy bir-
She: 5 mins babe
He: Ok*discovers a new planet*
*travels to it*
*discovers life*
*returns back*He: Ready?
She: 5 mins babe
[restaurant]
Manager: You’re fired.
Me: Why?!
Manager: You’re a bad waiter.
Me: *sitting with a family waiting for their food* I disagree.
5 cats in this house and not one will ride the Roomba WHAT A JOKE.
sorry but who wants to search “price: high to low”
I’m so bad at making decisions that whenever I hit a yellow light I scream, open my car door and throw myself out
Walmart stopped selling hoverboards due to safety concerns. In case you were curious about those empty shelves between the guns and the ammo
So I listened to some LL Cool J then kept licking my lips like he does. I found myself in HR. Good thing I wasn’t listening to KISS.
Me: “I’ve been really under the weather lately.”
Doctor: “When did your symptoms start?”
Me (checks watch): “1985.”
What’s Godzilla’s favorite sitcom?
How I Met Your Mothra!
…No, YOU shut up.
*gets off on a technicality
Technicality: Perv.
i hope the maker of this enjoys jail because i’m calling the police
What I say: hold on with two hands
What my kid hears: hold on with as few hands as possible, preferably none
this got me crying😭😭
I don’t want to intimidate you, but I learned all my fighting skills from Hong Kong Phooey.
Idris Elba should be the next Mr Bean
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions
“He hired a clown for my nana’s funeral”
PEOPLE NEEDED CHEERING UP, KAREN