Overheard two American tourists as they walked past the chemist: “I didn’t know New Zealand had pharmacies. I didn’t even know they had medicine.”
You Might Also Like
No one is more disappointed about you driving the speed limit than the cop pacing you, thinking he’s cleverly disguised in his marked Ford Explorer.
me: how did he die?
him: he was trampled by a gang of elephants
me: a parade
him: no it’ll just be a regular funeral
Subway Guy: Enjoy your sandwich
Me: You too!
Subway Guy:
Me:
Me: *gives him my sandwich* this is yours now
An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard and a German are sitting in a doctor’s waiting room, when a man in an obviously worried state enters and cries out, “I fear I’ve become invisible… Can you see me?”
And they respond; “Yes.” “Oui.” “Sí.” “Ja.”
You know you’re a parent when solitary confinement sounds like a reward not a punishment.
If you can’t be with the dog you love, pat the dog you’re with.
Priest: look son, I think you should kick the habit
Me: ok
*nun screams*
[Ancient Greek Dandruff Shampoo Commercial]
MEDUSA: *looking super embarrassed, trying to casually brush a bunch of shed snake skins off her shoulders*
Sometime in the night I think somebody replaced my skeleton with a different skeleton but I don’t know how to verify this.
Change is always hard….
Especially when a jar of it falls on your head.
You’re not with Greenpeace, Kyle, you’re doing Community Service.
Nursing school doesn’t prepare you for the number of elderly patients who will casually confess to decades-old murders.
My lady husky is mad I won’t feed her early so she just maintained eye contact with me and started chewing the corner of the brand new dining table.
Mom I’m running away! No I don’t need a jacket! Mom no I’m fine I don’t need a jac- mom! No I don’t need you to pick me up later mom! MOM!
Gym Employee: Thats not how you operate that machine, sir.
Me: *Hanging clothes all over treadmill* But this is how I use it at home.
Years ago I promised a now 44 yr old friend I’d marry her if she was still single at 45 I need someone to step up she’s a mess
“IT WAS NEVER SUPPOSED TO BE LIKE THIS!!!” I yell at the guy next to me at the red light while tweezing stray hairs from my chin.
[first day as car salesman]
Customer: Cargo space?
Me: Car no do that. Car no fly.
Manager: Can I see you in my office?
Did you know when someone annoys you it takes 42 muscles to frown but only 4 to extend your arm and punch them in the face.
DATE: gonna grab my jacket and brb. you look great by the way
ME (whispering to my suit made of chameleons): hell yeah keep it up you guys
kid dressed as dog: “trick or treat”
me:
wife: “give him some chocolate then”
me: “i don’t want to kill him linda”
Son: I thought about asking if you wanted a Klondike bar at 2 am.
Me: Why didn’t you ask?
S: I heard you snoring and didn’t want to wake you.
M: You can wake me any time, especially if it’s about ice cream.10 minutes later:
Me: So… I snore??
Yet another day of playing ‘Is it just allergies or should I prepare my will’
Surprised my wife with French fries. She didn’t ask for it, the bag just fell on her when she opened the fridge.
If any cheetahs are reading this, please do not eat my son.
The neighbor kid talks a lot of shit for someone who isn’t allowed to leave the yard.
Two wolves ? more like a hyena carcass and a dust bunny.
Every once in a while someone really special walks into your life. That person is usually delivering a pizza
I ordered a bed from IKEA and they sent me a tree trunk and a saw.
Add spice to your relationship. Probably not saffron, though. That stuff’s expensive.