Overheard two American tourists as they walked past the chemist: “I didn’t know New Zealand had pharmacies. I didn’t even know they had medicine.”
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If people would moan loudly during a pat down, the line would move much quicker.
This new thesaurus isn’t just terrible, it’s also terrible.
Boss : Why Are You Late?
She : Heavy Traffic
Boss : Is that my fault?
She : Did I Blame You
[playing poker]
“I’m all in”
*slowly pushes a half-eaten burrito and a cat to middle of the table*
Bakers who don’t wear underwear are going commandough
The most unbelievable thing about Die Hard is that the office Christmas Party is happening on Christmas Eve.
I keep my punching bag next to the fridge to let out my anger when there’s nothing to eat.
[the seventh day]
God: *walks in wearing bangs*
Angel: maybe you should rest
Stick it to the man
Um, yes, I love this place. How much is the deposit?
“Ma’am, this is a psych ward.”
My cat will:
Climb a tree
Walk along a narrow wall
Leap onto the roof
Drop onto a rainwater tank
Jump down to a tiny exposed windowsill
Reverse and jackknife through a small window… all to avoid entering the house via the open front door.
Kinda lame that pretending everything is fine isn’t working
PILOT: if you look out the window you’ll see we’re cruising at 35,000 feet
[i look out the window]
[THE SKY IS FULL OF FEET JESUS CHRIST]
Kids: We’re bored!
Me: Why don’t you go play Uno and then fight when someone loses?
Absolutely Stockholm Syndromed into liking Frozen 2. This movie is a MESS but now I’ve seen it roughly 12 times and I love it. Every Disney movie should have 7 plots that have almost nothing to do with each other.
Relationship status: If my husband is running his fingers through my hair, it’s to retrieve food.
“Living well is the best revenge.”
Alexa, what is the second best revenge?
You know, one day auto correct will completely collapse, and that day will be gloria’s!!
Good morning to everyone, especially those who say “oh ffs, what now?” Every time their news notification on their phone goes off
I put the mess in domestic.
If you can talk really fast you have some options in life: Become an auctioneer or list the side effects of drugs at the end of commercials.
Twitter is like a mental hospital where everyone thinks they are the only sane person and everyone else is crazy.
I saw this post on Tumblr awhile ago and I liked the visual so much I had to draw it
🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀
Sorry I disappeared from our zoom
I fell off my chair trying to shake a spider off my shoe
PER MY LAST EMAIL
Him: The kids and I had a game night. There was a good bit of arguing and some crying.
Me: Oh? …how did the kids behave?
a guy just bought my red bull for me at the gas station so i think we’re married now.
Daughter: Here you go!
Me: You’re my favorite.
Son: Yesterday, you said I was your favorite!
Me: Yesterday, you were closest to the remote.