Overheard two American tourists as they walked past the chemist: “I didn’t know New Zealand had pharmacies. I didn’t even know they had medicine.”
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My daughter said, “You’re the best mommy ever!”
I’m really proud that she’s learning sarcasm at such a young age.
Sometimes I look at myself in the mirror and wonder, “Do my children just spit directly at their face when brushing their teeth?”
A book written by and for chickens is called a bok
Don’t forget to take a screen shot of the weather forecast today and post it on Instagram.
How To Make Lemon Squares:
Make the undercookie
Then the jigglesauce
Pour the jigglesauce on the undercookie and put it in the bakeybox
{First Day at FedEx}
me: tosses crystal vase onto wrong porch from 30 ft away
manager: wow you’re a natural
My cat WHO EATS STINK BUGS OFF THE WINDOW SILL refuses the $8.99/lb deli turkey I bought especially for her sensitive mouth.
the sequel to “Up” should be called “Up 2: No Good” who do I tell this to
[breaking up with a guy]
Me: It’s not you, it’s me. I’m much, much smarter and cooler than you are.
I’m pretty sure I could “watch this” for 24 hours straight without blinking and my 7yo still wouldn’t be satisfied.
oh, internet, you didn’t even exist when this happened to me. every weekend.
*attempts seductive selfie in bed
*drops phone on face
*chips tooth
Why isn’t a fleet of helicopters just called hellacopters.
Don’t ring my doorbell unless you’re accompanied by a camera crew and holding balloons & a big check.
In a previous life I may have been a carrier pigeon, in that all I ever think about is going home.
Me: How long have we had that pillow?
Wife: No idea
Memory foam pillow: Two years, five months and two days
BOSS: There’s limited parking at the event so we are going to carpool
ME (pulling a pair of floaties out of my desk drawer): oh hell yeah
Why do people assume I know all about computers just because I’m from India? That makes so I angry I just want to 01010010101010101010101
My account was hacked so if you saw some really weird posts or received some strange DMs, those were the ones that were definitely from ME. Anything else was the hackers.
“This is going to hurt me more than it hurts you” he said, without even realizing that he was holding the tazer backwards.
“I can be nice or I can be honest.”
Husband: *leaves to run an errand*
Me: *crosses out “get husband to leave” off to-do list*
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I do laundry “my way”.
8yo: Dad, can I eat on the couch?
Me: Sure, as long as you’re carefu-
8yo: I spilled my drink
Me: Of course
just got vinegar in my eye so I totally get it, girls who get vinegar in their eye
Me: and i love that thing u do with ur tongue piercing..
Wife: OMG [storms off]
Me: WRITING OUR OWN VOWS WAS YOUR IDEA LYDIA
[Priest faints]
girl: i love philosophy
me: who is ur favorite philosopher
girl: Hume
me: sorry, whom is ur favorite philosopher
Child: Hey can I go outsi-
Me: YES PLEASE