Overheard two American tourists as they walked past the chemist: “I didn’t know New Zealand had pharmacies. I didn’t even know they had medicine.”
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Me: Let’s go to the store.
5 yo: Why?
M: For food.
5: Why?
M: So we can eat.
5: Why?
M: To stay alive.
5: Why?
M: I have no idea.
[hearing that someone has died]
oh no that guy hated dying
(gets down on one knee) hey I like being close to the ground
He told me to strike while the iron is hot, like I know what an iron is.
Never read To Kill a Mockingbird. Is that the one where Katniss admits she loves Peta?
I wish my ex could look down from heaven see my “look at me now” life!
but nooooo, he’s still alive
If pizza places cold called people’s homes and asked if they wanted to order a pizza, I guarantee you their business would triple.
Ever notice that women say “scare you to death” while men say “scare the pants off you”?
Well played men, well played…
[kidnapped & trapped in trunk]
*hot wires rear blinker lights to communicate with other cars via Morse code*
“I…am…a…vegan”
There’s a reason when we have to smile for a photo we say “cheese,” and not “salad.”
The person who named the eggplant must have been:
a) Colorblind, and
b) Totally high
when wolves raise a human child no one cares, but when i raise a wolf as my child and send it to elementary school everyone freaks out
WITCH (using her broom for just sweeping): did we give up our dreams?
WIZARD (using his pointy hat as a piping bag for cupcake icing): yes
“You know I love that thick bottom” – me, telling my coworker about the new frying pan I got over the weekend
Lasers were once the biggest scientific breakthrough in history, but now we use them to play with cats.
If the final comments of your speech last 45 minutes, please don’t preface them with “and lastly”.
I saw a TikTok where someone realized the filter for the air purifier they’d been using for months had the plastic on it the whole time
I thought “who could be this dumb?” but decided to check mine just for giggles
And guys you’re not going to believe this but….
Listen, I’m one of those people who have the best intentions when it comes to making you a fried egg…
With that said, scrambled it is.
People who like green: it’s a good color
People who like orange: it’s a good color
People who like purple: Purple is my life. I dress purple, I glow purple, I eat and drink purple. If you come into my house and insult purple, I will personally tear you limb from limb
“A picture is worth a thousand words.”
–anonymous“A thousand words is for amateurs.”
–children
DATE: So tell me something about yourself
ME: I like to call frozen burgers ‘brrrgers’
HER: I need to see other people
*drinks beer from my glass slipper*
WARDEN: Any final words before you’re hung?
ME: How many of these have you done? It’s hanged, you idiot.
WARDEN: *just shoots me*
A great way to make people nervous is to tell them where the bathroom is without their asking.
How come mimes never imagine being in bigger boxes?
Me: You’re going to disagree with this statement.
Wife: No I’m not.
I do believe someone didn’t understand what this system was designed to do.
I named my son Kidding Me so whenever people say “Are you kidding me” he has to say yes. This is a bad joke thanks for your time
If your kid is having nightmares & keeps getting in bed with you in the night, a great solution is to go to sleep in full clown makeup.
Age 21: Goes out for drinks after 9 PM and gets home at 2 AM.
Age 37: Has one tiny little sip of water after 8 PM and has to get up and pee three times before 2 AM.