Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Will you be my 14th most used emoji?

went for a walk, Very pleasant evening. the squirrels and rabbits kept running away from me. that stung a little. I will remember their faces

Imagine being a witch and you’re all excited because you just brewed up a wicked potion but then you realize now you gotta clean out that cauldron and it’s too big for the dishwasher ugh

*doesn’t tweet for months*
*deep breath*
*cracks knuckles*

Do you think Scooby Doo was supposed to be Scooby Dog and it was just a typo

I hope when the Avengers meet Spider-Man they give him shit for not helping when NYC got attacked.

grandpa was shocked

[at a party] i see u have name brand garbage bags, are u a doctor

My teen complained that he didn’t like the dinner I made so I told him to be sure to leave his Yelp review & also, I don’t care.

When you can’t find your friend Neil

If you haven’t learned to use overlapping circles to demonstrate relationships Venn vill you?

Taking my husband’s last name doesn’t mean I’m not a feminist it means I don’t want anyone I went to high school with to be able to find me ever again

I went to nearby motivational speaker session
Was disappointed
There were no speaker
Just humans
Can you believe it

I’m very proud that I built my house completely by myself, with no help or prior experience. I often stand outside, hands on hips, just basking in the accomplishment. (Can’t go inside, EXTREMELY unsafe)

Have a kid so they can ask for a peanut butter sandwich and a jelly sandwich BUT NOT A PEANUT BUTTER AND JELLY SANDWICH!

One time I threw my cat at a spider so I could escape, but sure I’d love to hold your baby

Kids at bedtime are like a nine page food blog for a simple ramen noodle recipe

[blind date]

HER: I’m a big dog person

ME {trying to impress her}: My middle name is Clifford

8-year-old: I upgraded my blanket fort.

Me: It looks the same as before.

8: I added more snacks.

Finally, some meaningful renovations.

Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.

My 3yo just realized that when he’s an adult he can drive himself to get donuts and he’s gonna need a minute

[at a party]

Host: may I take your coat?

Me: nah I’ll be needing that in about 10 minutes

Have some fun at work: End every comment with a long slow wink

“My report is super late”
*long slow wink*

“I swear I didn’t drink at lunch”
*long slow wink*

“Oh, I’m fired?”
*long slow wink*

Pregnant women go through a “nesting” phase where they make a tree fort out of twigs and parts of men they’ve killed.

I bought my son a book about bats and halfway through it he shouted out, “WHAT??? BATS ARE REAL?!?!” All this time he thought they were made up for Halloween like ghosts and witches

How come mimes never imagine being in bigger boxes?

If i were a hand model, at least i could say that i’ve banged a model.

Leaf blowers… making leaves your neighbor’s problem since 1977.

[after tee ball game]
Wife: we brought snacks for the kids.

Me: [w/ mouthful of food] we did?!

ME: I hit my neighbors car.
CAT: I killed my last 4 owners.
ME: YOU CAN TALK!
CAT: …
ME: Wait, what did you just say?
CAT: *blinks*

Sometimes I feel so bad about not being perfect but then I remember people who expect you to be perfect all the time are exhausting and then I scratch my armpits like a monkey.