Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I thought this was funny lol

roman lesbians: *caesaring*

Why enunciation matters:

9yo: so this guy came to school and pulled a python out of his boxers

Me: WHAT THE HELL?!???

9yo: …BOXES!

I’m not telling you how to raise your kids, Phil. I’m just saying..fire is dangerous and babies can’t juggle.

My boss said to me,
“Why do you come out in a rash every time I give you your wages?”
I said, “It’s because I’m allergic to fcuking peanuts!”

During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, “where should I put my pants”? “Over there by mine”, was not the answer I was expecting.

i actually have good reason to shoot the messenger. for one, i do NOT like what he’s telling me

she died doing what she loved: looking at her phone while crossing the street

[soldier dying in my arms]
Soldier: tell my wife-
Me: dude I’m already giving messages for 3 guys. Just wait until she dies & tell yourself

Be the reason someone prefers the company of animals.

“HELP! Frankenstein’s attacking me!”

911: Frankenstein? Or Frankenstein’s *monster*?

“AAAH he ripped my arm off”

911: Which one did, sir

I bet your first day as a bullfighter they start you off by fighting a really rare steak.

My wife has been smelling gas at our fireplace insert for 25 years, and it’s electric.

My husband: Do you really need another pair of black pants?

My husband’s closet:

Like that whole spinach in the teeth thing, I never know if it’s polite to tell a lizard person when they have a little tear in their human suit.

ME: [first day as a detective] Was the robber armed?

VICTIM: No

ME: *writing ‘probably a snake’ in my notepad* Thank you.

I’ve started doing my makeup before getting dressed in the morning because, if we’re running late, my husband may argue I don’t need makeup, but will never argue that I don’t need clothes.

I’ve done hundreds of crossword puzzles over the years, but just this morning I noticed they provide clues.

Engineer: quick open up the coal gate, we need to vent the burner!

Me: *opens toothpaste* how is this supposed to help?

Engineer: The door on the coal burner you stupid fu-

[train explodes]

The lights begin to flicker
The hair stands up on your neck
A chill comes over the room

Me to the ghost: STOP TOUCHING THE THERMOSTAT

kale is so versatile, it can literally fit into any trash can

Him: sometimes I think you just don’t care

Me: [hands in the air] why would you think that

Doctor said if I have a vasectomy I wouldn’t have any kids, had the operation, got home, they’re still there

My wife and I come from very different backgrounds. Her family is French and Irish, and mine is suffocating and unstable.

I’m jealous that when an athlete gets injured it makes headlines. I need that kind of attention. “We at ESPN are reporting that Ron stubbed his toe on a table and when he went to look at it he hit his head on the table”

A scrub is a guy who thinks he’s fly.
[I scramble to take off my full-body fly costume]

“you live and you learn” brother I don’t want to do either of those things

Interviewer: so tell me your strengths

Me: conducting interviews

Interviewer: *narrows eyes*

Me: so tell me your weaknesses

Interviewer: *starts sweating*

Why cant a bike stand on it’s own?

It’s two tired.

If there is no shredded cheese in my bra right now, I have failed