Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[meeting]

Boss: What do you think?

Me: I think we need to get out in front of this. If we’re not on top of it, it will roll over us and we’ll never get out from under it. Can everybody get behind that?

Boss: You’re not allowed to talk anymore.

*steps out of the time machine* Me: what year is this?

Wife: Stop playing with the washing machine.

wish I never spent that $20 my grandma gave me when I was 12, I could really use it right now

i don’t believe this you guys, they’re lying on the news. right to my face

It reminds me of the time I walked in on my parents having sex and they tried to convince me they were lying on top of one another to see who was longer.

My daughter said her English class requires 1,000 pages of summer reading so we went to The Cheesecake Factory and I handed her a menu

It’s adorable how I write “beer” on my shopping list like I’d somehow forget.

A lot of parents are asking questions about my baby cannon. Like “Does it really fire babies?” & “Have you seen my son Jeff?”

You know what really makes me smile?

Fascial muscles.

I heard God is testing both of us at the same time wanna hang out

LOL

[on Wheel of Fortune]

Puzzle- Phrase:
OPE__ MOU__H I__SER__ FOO__

Me: (with bank of $15,250) I’d like to solve the puzzle!!

Pat Sajak: Go Ahead, Darla.

Me: OPEN MOUTH INSERT FOOD

Buzzer: *beeps*

Studio audience: *groans*

My wife tells me we have an event at 5 PM that requires a suit. I’m antisocial enough to appreciate hiding behind several layers of cloth.

2Pac won’t answer me on the ouija board which leads me to believe he’s alive and i’m high.

Me: Should I be concerned that this tomato was genetically modified?

Tomato: No.

gf: ooh a blindfold, kinky

me: *seductively* ill go get the piñata

Me: shit that alligator’s waving at me.

Girlfriend: you shouldn’t have told him that you’d see him later.

Me *under the table*: I was just being nice.

Her: I can’t believe you’re leaving me. Is there someone else?

Me: I’ve told you, Brenda, I just really need to focus on my karate right now.

Her: But you’re 57 and a green belt.

Me: Exactly.

I haven’t seen the numbers, but I imagine vampire attacks are way down.

*chugging, distorted guitars, aggressive precision drumming*

Me: *wearing a bloody pig face and growling like a demon* One cannot step twice in the same river. I think therefore I am. Entities should not be multiplied unnecessarily.

Depth Metal

I swallowed an ice cube yesterday and still haven’t pooped it out.
I’m getting really concerned.

SURVIVAL TIP: IF LOST IN THE WOODS, BUILD A SHELTER. THE TAX COLLECTOR WILL BE THERE SHORTLY.

Me: “Whose bra is that?”
Daughter: “Mine.”
Me: “Why is it on the kitchen windowsill?”
Daughter: “I took it off to eat.”

A thief has come into my home, and taken all but one of my sticks of mozzarella cheese. Everyone, lock your doors!

me: you take your job a little too seriously

bouncer: *jumping up and down* what

i dont swirl my wine because im sophisticated i do it because i can barely stand

Whenever I utter the word ‘sober’ I wash my mouth out with alcohol.

I get it Bryan Adams. It was the summer of 69, but what year?

For those without heat in Texas, there are warming shelters throughout the state. See map at link below or call 211 for assistance. If you have a medical device that requires power, call 911. Texas twitter, please add additional resources to this thread.

7’s new favorite animal is the spider.

He tells me fact after fact about them, he’s made the background of his school iPad a spider, and he shows me pictures constantly.

I’ve been a pretty good mom, so I’m not sure what I did to deserve this.