Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t need therapy. I just barked at a pedestrian crossing the street. I’m the happiest I’ve ever been in my life

I really hope that I look like the mirror version of me and not the camera version.

Sesame Street has been on the air since 1969. Working with kids that long, it’s no wonder Cookie Monster is an addict & Oscar is a grouch.

“Always bring a nail file, scissors, tweezers, a corkscrew, a toothpick and a bottle opener to a knife fight.” — The Swiss Army

I hate when drinks say to shake well. Like we’re all just masters of shaking things

“have you seen the gas prices?” no man i drive with my eyes closed because it’s scary

Me – Actually goes for a walk

FitBit – You OK?

When you send food back to the kitchen, you’re basically saying,
“Can you have the chef rub his genitals on this please.”

I never ran away from home but when I was six I asked everyone else in the house to move out.

Every day is a whodunit mystery when you have kids.

If she calls me cheap one more time I’m gonna return her anniversary gift to 7/11.

nude beaches are out, nude libraries are in

*eats pizza out of box in bed

*falls asleep

*wakes up next to leftover pizza

Voila! Breakfast in bed!

Dating tip: don’t mention your time as a Boy Scout, let your sash full of badges do the talkin.

Someone just un-complimented my skort after I told them it came from Walmart. I didn’t even know that was something you could do.

Me, dry heaving and wheezing: Everest was a mistake! I’m going to die alone on this godless wasteland

The Sherpa: Miss? We are still in the parking lot

Why do people assume I know all about computers just because I’m from India? That makes so I angry I just want to 01010010101010101010101

Caffeine is bad for you, fat is bad for you, sugar is bad for you. But don’t worry, because worrying is bad for you too.

I always act like I’m so much better than fantasy protagonists but lets be honest I would 100% touch the book of forbidden secrets, even if it did mean accidentally starting the war of the unclean and maybe also releasing the queen of spiders from her endless slumber

Tupperware is filing for bankruptcy. They would have kept a lid on the news but they couldn’t find one.

[restaurant]

Waiter: *holding pepper mill* say when

Me: huh? why

Waiter: when means stop

Me: oh

Date: how do you not- okay you know what i think we should stop seeing each other

Me: *glances knowingly at waiter* i think you mean we should WHEN seeing each other

I admire my upstairs neighbours’ commitment to cleanliness as they fire up their diesel-powered vacuum to clean their hardwood floors at 11:43 pm

[a cat sitting in the sleigh impassively knocking presents out into the Pacific Ocean]
Rudolph: Santa Claws, NO

The worst things in life are free, too. Like, gonorrhea, chapped elbows and flyers left on your windshield.

Me: What are my choices again?
Pollster: Donald Trump…
Me: Or?
Pollster: Puppymonkeybaby.
Me: …
Pollster: Well?
Me: I’m thinking.

Inflation pfft, the worst part of going shopping is all the stupid people in the store.

If anyone is missing a cup it’s probably in my daughter’s room

Her: What did you get for Valentine’s Day?

Me: Drunk!