Overheard:
The one thing we’ve learned from this crisis is that if the Martians invaded earth, our first response would be to lower interest rates.
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love pickles so much i put myself in one
“When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I did those things online”
After years of waiting, I finally walked face first into a sliding glass door at a party. And you know what? It’s a crowd pleaser.
[prehistoric times]
MUM: When you get married, your husband will be the hunterDAUGHTER: So I gather
hate when the barista asks “do you want whipped cream?” it feels there are only two answers: “yes please, i’m fat.” or “no thanks, i’m fat.”
I really have to stop ending sentences with, “you’ll be sorry, you will all be sorry!”
If you love someone let them go, if they come back without donuts let them go again.
[finishes a 15 minute drum solo] I think that answers your question, your honor.
GPS: We have arrived at the bank.
Me: Okay, great.
GPS: There are no cops within eight minutes of the bank.
Me: …What?
GPS: It takes three minutes to write a note and get to the front of the line.
Me: I’m not going to rob —
GPS: *Sigh* Fine. We never do anything fun
*tries hard*
*fails*
*tries flaccid*
If I learned anything from Aladdin it was that if u just keep lying to a girl eventually u will get to marry her and live at her dad’s house
rich people when they have to pay taxes
Cabin crew: Is there a Dr on board?
Me: I am a Dr
Cabin crew: Thank God. We have a question about the 18th century textile trade in Northern Africa
Me: Ah. I’m afraid my PhD is in the ceramics of Northern Europe, 1672 – 1701
“You think I’m smart, right?”
Not tonight baby, I’m too tired to fight.
Annnd that’s how the fight started.
The scene from Shawshank Redemption where Andy’s free & kneeling in the rain, except it’s me after any conversation with my mom finally ends
The rose scented hand sanitizer I got from Bath & Body Works reminds me of a funeral home so I just kinda go with it and think of the dead germs.
INTERVIEWER: Says here you do magic tricks?
ME: *hands him back his business card* Is this your card?
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
just can’t imagine being this mad at a pond
Another day another opportunity to tell my toddler that if she doesn’t want to see my nose boogers she could try not looking up my nostrils.
Breaking news:
Basketball games are very squeaky.
Her: why are you covered in egg
Me: I got into a fight
Her: did you win?
Me: yes It was over, easy
The best part about talking to a narcissist is how there isn’t any pressure to add to the conversation.
[First Date]
Sorry for the mess. My mother said pudding on a condom was important.
I’m having one of those days where I feel like the single soggy onion ring that somehow made it into an order of french fries.
*paw prints all your dogs to figure out which one ate my sandwich when I went to the bathroom*
cat: *slowly approaches new vase*
me: you don’t wanna do that
vase: *pushes cat off the table*
me: i warned you
Friend is going bungee jumping so I told him he was born because of a broken rubber and he could die the same way. He didn’t laugh…
I, for one, pronounce eau de toilette like ewww the toilet