Best Mother’s Day ever started with my 2.5yo sleeping in till 7:30am and falling asleep at 5:30pm!
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Nothing says ‘I love you’ like an echo chamber
The best part about Whole Foods is if you ask for a bag the cashier will look at you like you drowned a baby giraffe with your bare hands
When I was a kid I had a Giga Pet, and I shut off the sound at night so it wouldn’t wake me to eat. When I woke up, it was always either dead or hungry and drowning in its own shit.
So I’m just saying whoever thought it a good idea to give me kids was taking a huge leap of faith.
I finally got around to washing my hair and then of course, I ended up putting way too much hair product on and it looks just as greasy as before. I’m like, really, Charlotte, you had ONE job, girl!
[peeing behind a tree]
bonsai artist: I have restrooms
Who called it a wedding licence and not marry-time law
Therapist: How are you feeling
Me: I think I’ve finally gotten over my agoraphobia. I’m ready to go outside and get on with my life 🙂
Therapist: Ok you’re not gonna believe this
The first clue I had taken the “eyes on the back of my head” thing too far was when the teacher asked why my kid thinks I’m an alien
Me: mmm daddy, all up in there
Priest: it’s “our father who art in heaven”
We got two inches of snow last night and now I can’t find my Smart Car.
me: hey how much for the dinosaur
guide: that’s a giraffe
me: how much
guide: the animals aren’t for sale
me: ok gimme two of these giant broccolis how much
guide: those are trees
me: [sighs] how much
DOG 911: what’s ur emer-
DOG: A FURRY THING IS BEHIND ME
DOG 911: can you bite it?
DOG: I CAN’T SPIN FAST ENOUGH
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
[dracula slapping mosquito]
holy shit that really IS annoying
I have a tattoo of a gigantic bruise on my left ankle in case anyone ever asks me to go hiking.
Or help them move.
One day you’re young and carefree and the next your husband says something like “the bowl can’t be hotter than the soup” and you’re trying to figure out when this old man moved into your home.
I wasted 400 years of my life trying to figure out if I was a vampire.
FACT: Carrots may be good for your eyes but alcohol will double your vision.
“dom or sub?”
subway but dominos isn’t bad on occasion
I think the elementary school music teacher was overly optimistic when she said we may recognize this next song.
as you get older you make or cancel plans based on the weather. no sorry i can’t go to the store today, it’s too windy.
The court system could save a lot of money on psychological exams by reading Facebook posts to determine if a person is crazy.
Pigeons are the dandelions of the animal kingdom: unappreciated, plentiful, and when you give a bouquet of them to ur mom she won’t like it
When they said “History repeats itself,” I wasn’t expecting all of the twentieth century in two years.
Retweet this if you want to be abducted by aliens.
everyone: “you changed”
the climate: i know 😞
Him: These candles are so romantic!
Me: They’re necessary for my human sacrifice ritual.
Not to brag, but my kids just unloaded the entire dishwasher without me asking, or without them noticing that the dishwasher had not been run.
This tape doesn’t even taste like scotch.
Mom: I called you bc I was watching a TV show & thought of you!
Me: Ya? What show?
My Mom (laughing): A show about Aliens!Very funny Mom!
A salesman knocked on my door today.
“Who currently provides your Internet?” he asked.
I said, “My next door neighbour.”