Overheard:
“Why is this guy listening to our conversation?”
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I was the beast man at my sister’s wedding, and there isn’t a day goes by that I don’t wish that that was a typo.
BARTENDER: the usual?
ME: *nods*
*bartender hands me a shot glass full of chocolate chips*
When I die, I am going to haunt a hot dog and make it jump out of the bun like a dolphin.
“What if kids lost all their baby teeth at once? Kid turns five and their teeth start flying out of their mouth, like popcorn in a pot without a lid?”
“I meant questions about your root canal.”
“Nah. Hook up the gas and let’s party.”
my mom: “please don’t rile up the dogs when we get home”
me as soon as i see the dogs:
So far this “doctor” has insisted on giving me a haircut and 9 shots for a stomach ache and when I questioned her credentials she called the police on me.
4: *hands me toy phone* Talk to them.
Everyone makes fun of Aquaman, but he’s got it all figured out.
He spends all day chilling in the water.
His life is one big pool party.
ME: jesus preached about the virtues of forgiveness
STUDENT LOAN SERVICER: yeah, still no
Please be gentle with me I used to be a baby
“The powder |
“The pow|
“The power |
“The power of Cheese |
“The power of Ch|
“The power of Christ compels you!”– The AutocorrExorcist
I hear my ex is now into cross dressing & looking for same. At least that’s what the Craigslist ad I just posted on his behalf says.
“Give me the bad news, Doc–how long have I got?”
“Your wife’s procedure will be an outpatient one so unfortunately you can’t go to Vegas.”
The toddler has started to understand more of my BAD language. So my swear words have become a bit more PG… Fudgesicles! Oh Sugar! Sweet Nibblets! Holy Guacamole!
Basically, swearing now makes me hungry.
Once accidentally liked an insta of someone I hadn’t spoken to in yrs so I had to like 1/2 her entire feed & reach out abt getting lunch
4yo: Raise your hand if you are young
Me: *raises hand
4yo: No, daddy, not you.
It’s always the Great Wall of China, but I feel bad for all the other walls in China. They’re like
“Hey i’m a pretty good wall too.”
anytime I meet someone who doesn’t like dogs I assume their backstory is that they were cut from their high school basketball team because airbud took their spot
Until my 30s I ate the whole Apple, core and all. When people looked surprised, I told them it was healthy; the ‘whole food’. Then my Mum admitted she’d taught me that so I didn’t leave rotting apple cores in the back seat of the car.
Nobody’s coming to my pizzarrhea I don’t get it!!!
my girlfriend sold her prized barbie toy collection to get me a ticket to oppenheimer this weekend. and i sold my supply of highly enriched uranium to get her a ticket to the barbie movie 😔
Sometimes I buy enormous pants and take a picture of myself holding them up just to feel like I lost a ton of weight.
therapy: $90/hr
saying “it eez what it eez”: $0
why are they called anti-vaxxers and not the marvelous mrs measles
Stupid seal at the zoo would not sing “kiss by a rose.” REFUND!
No thanks, babies. If I’m going to let something inside of my body that’s going to destroy my figure, it’ll be cheese, bread and booze.
I’ve always wanted to buy 2 coffees, take them to a crime scene & while handing 1 to the officer in charge ask, “So, what do we have here?”
It’s easy to lie to people.
My phone was dead. I mailed it 2 weeks ago. Your baby is so cute.
Anytime I go to the doctors I feel so ripped off. Whatever my complaint is, it’s always the same damn advice: “Lay off the methamphetamine.”
Tattoos are a nice way to forever honor loved ones, like family members who have passed away, or skulls with bat wings that have passed away