Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Someone’s been going round our local town stealing all the eggs, milk, sugar and vanilla essence. Police now have the culprit in custardy.

one time I bought a cd and i thought the guy was going to say ‘have a good night’ but he said ‘do you have a favourite band’ and I said ‘you too’ and then I had to stand and pretend to know about Bono for five minutes while holding a Shania twain album I bought for my mom

You can’t name your dog Jeff, that’s illegal

I treat going to a therapist like going to a mechanic. “So, It’s been making some odd sounds and I’m sure it’s on the verge of a breakdown.”

When people say something is cray-cray it makes me wanna vom-vom

Björk is probably my favorite singer named after the sound a dodgeball makes

Smoke detector: IS THAT A FIRE I SMELL
Me: No I’m making baco-
Smoke detector: IM A HERO

I think Argentina is quite capable of deciding who it wants to cry for. Stop being so bossy Eva.

I’ve broken all my New Year’s Resolutions so now I’m moving on to laws of nature.

[Waking up in Heaven]

This is all super nice, but how did I die?

Angel: You died doing what you loved.

Me: intimidating men?

Angel: yes, you dressed up as a bear and charged at some guys and one shot you

Me: classic

And Satan said “Let them drink instant coffee”.

if your religion infringes on people’s rights; sorry, you’ve had hundreds of years to change everyone’s mind- obviously that hasn’t happened

ㅤ

I’ve spent the last six months trying to find my Mother-In-Law’s killer, but no one is willing to do it.

She had silky hair and legs that went on for days. I was in bed with a horse.

My work has one of those little clock in / clock out punch cards like the movies and let me tell you, it’s a thrill and a half!!!

Creating horror must be hard because there aren’t horror open mics to try out scary ideas. Where you go up like, “uhhh, what if it’s dark and you hear a baby cry, and you turn on a light and it’s actually a spider?” And your buddy’s like, “hey man, I thought it was pretty scary.”

*bursts into starbucks*

Me: DO YOU GUYS HAVE A POWER OUTLET

Barista: yeah over there

Me: oh thank god

*plugs in a mechanical bull*

*cashier stares at obviously fake ID*
you sure you’re 3?
*dog panics and runs out of the store barking*

My refrigerator is so full I have to slide the Country Crock out like I’m playing Jenga

Nothing says I mean business like wearing a hospital gown to the pharmacy.

A young guy at work asked me if I’m ready for Christmas.

I’m 52 yrs old Connor. I just turned down my radio so I can see better. I’m not even ready for today.

Women never find it devilishly charming when I follow them into the lady’s room. Thanks a lot, “Top Gun”.

My ex was saved in my phone as “the antichrist” until my children were able to read.

You see a Honda, a Toyota, a Chevy, and another Honda. I see four people who aren’t getting that parking space. Hang on.

In the near future, little old ladies won’t know how to sew, knit, or quilt, but they’ll take awesome self-pics in bathroom mirrors.

Can’t, yelling at the map tracker for every wrong turn my pizza delivery guy makes

Springsteen: baby we were born to run

Springsadult: let’s just take a cab

Top three perverts that see you when you’re sleeping:
1. Santa.
2. God.
3. NSA.

[Airport security supervillain screening]

AGENT: Spell ‘haha’

ME: OK, ‘M’,–

AGENT: ur under arrest