@Jake_Vig

Overheard:

“Why is this guy listening to our conversation?”

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@Book_Krazy

Mom: I think I’ll name her Jenny.

Dr: I’m sorry, that name is already taken, but you can name her jenny_2828

@wesjohnson8

My parents never asked me to run away from home, but there were many unexplained one way tickets.

@fishbowel

nobody:

stick in the park:

6 y/o me: I will take it home

@junejuly12

I hope that boomerang I threw in 2009 is happy out there somewhere, maybe in a relationship with little boomerangs that don’t listen either.

@RunwayDan

At any given time, I know more about the whereabouts of my Amazon packages than I do any member of my extended family.

@CruisinSoozan

Sometimes I shock myself with the smart shit that comes out of my mouth then other times I try to start the microwave with my debit card PIN

@Turbo_Jimmy

Her: that’s disgusting

Me: sorry, I like to poo with the door open sometimes

Her: you shouldn’t be pooping in the car at all

@shahrouzt

The amount of times I’ve had to say no to the Adobe Updater has totally prepared me to be a parent.

@Tmoney68

At my funeral, I’m stipulating in my will that after the eulogy is read the crowd can have 15 minutes for rebuttal, just to be fair.

@tarashoe

oh i’d definitely choose flight over invisibility. i’d fly everywhere! to the living room, the bedroom. back to the living room. everywhere