Mom: I think I’ll name her Jenny.
Dr: I’m sorry, that name is already taken, but you can name her jenny_2828
“Why is this guy listening to our conversation?”
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My parents never asked me to run away from home, but there were many unexplained one way tickets.
stick in the park:
6 y/o me: I will take it home
I hope that boomerang I threw in 2009 is happy out there somewhere, maybe in a relationship with little boomerangs that don’t listen either.
At any given time, I know more about the whereabouts of my Amazon packages than I do any member of my extended family.
Sometimes I shock myself with the smart shit that comes out of my mouth then other times I try to start the microwave with my debit card PIN
Her: that’s disgusting
Me: sorry, I like to poo with the door open sometimes
Her: you shouldn’t be pooping in the car at all
The amount of times I’ve had to say no to the Adobe Updater has totally prepared me to be a parent.
At my funeral, I’m stipulating in my will that after the eulogy is read the crowd can have 15 minutes for rebuttal, just to be fair.
oh i’d definitely choose flight over invisibility. i’d fly everywhere! to the living room, the bedroom. back to the living room. everywhere