Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

life is like a box of chocolates: it kills dogs

I’d like to see every photograph where I’m just someone
passing in the background.

Dating tip: don’t mention your time as a Boy Scout, let your sash full of badges do the talkin.

I have a special place in my heart. For blood and vessels and stuff.

To clean them like a pro without leaving any traces, you’ll have to wash your hands like a politician

[First day as a surgeon]

Me: Oops…..

[Last day as surgeon]

*Incorporates drinking with exercising by walking to the bar.

They said no texting while driving but they never said anything about giving four ferrets a nice bubble bath

Did you know that the sound of fallen leaves scattering across the pavement in the wind sounds just like someone running up behind you in the dark?

Did you also know that I can run 83 mph?

Dating is a win-win. If things go well, you eat food and fall in love. If they don’t, you still eat food and that’s all that really matters.

I need to be drunk looking in the passport picture because I’ll certainly be drunk when I’m traveling.

dr: we had to remove your colon

me why

Me: Can I dip my breadstick in your Alfredo sauce?

Him: Usually it’s me asking you that.

13YO: SHUT UP. STOP IT RIGHT NOW!

I’ve updated my will…

“Being of sound mind, I spent it all.”

Just told my sleeping husband I lost two lbs, to which he replied, with his eyes still closed, “I’ll help you find them. We’ll look later”

EXPLORER 1: *looking at ancient symbols in pyramid* It says “Here lies updog”
EXPLORER 2: What’s updog?
EGYPTIAN SPIRITS: Lol

If dogs take after their owners, I need to work on my posture.

I have a magical ability to render my daughter instantly and completely deaf by simply saying the word “bedtime.”

I dislike frozen dinners that require me to tear & fold & make sure this side is here or there & build a sacrificial platform to appease an ancient sun god or whatever to heat my food.

I wouldn’t say I “missed” your call.

Anytime I see a teacher sitting backwards in a chair, I’m like, “Oh damn. This guy is about to test the boundaries of traditional education”

Shoutout to headline writers, making their own fun.

twitter users today:

{Apocalypse}
ME (To War, Famine, Pestilence and Death): Can I pet your horsies?

“One time God gave me a snack!”
– Our 4yo, & we think she was talking about church communion

At the doctor they asked me how tall I was and I said 5’5 (which has been on my drivers license for my entire life) and the nurse said “hmmmmm” then measured and you guys I AM 5’3!! My entire life has been a lie.

shrek was successful because it was a farquadrant movie

Me: How awful do I look?

Him: You always look beautiful.

Me: Do I need to put makeup on?

Him: Maybe just a…

*stare*

Him: No.

Last week I chopped my neighbour’s tree and now it’s growing back because his-tree repeats itself…

Wife: You knew when we met that my job would preclude me from having children.

Me: Why? You can still investigate deaths when you’re pregnant.

Wife: Nobody puts baby in the coroner.