Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

when isolation is over, we should all be allowed to commit one (1) crime since we’ve technically already served the time for it

My wife and I both like playing games, just differently.

Me: [smiling straight ahead toward camera]

iPhone facial recognition: who the fuck are you

Me: [head down, chin doubled, scowling]

iPhone facial recognition: OH HEY THERE YOU ARE!

*receives invitation to dry wedding*
*becomes wine smuggler and most popular wedding guest ever*

My 5yo tries to get out of sharing her food with me by saying there’s gluten in it.

I’m raising an evil genius.

I did nothing wrong—I tried to do nothing and did it wrong.

My daughter is now a licensed driver and we had her go out to pick us up some dinner.
Y’all, it took 16 years, but I got my own Uber Eats driver now

Thanks for the push notification, Siri – that’s exactly what I needed in that moment 🫠

No Amazon, I don’t want to sort stuff by “Price: High to Low,” who are the billionaires who would even make that an option?

Never invite a renegade cop from a 90s action movie over for board game night. They play by their own rules!

WIFE: Did you sleep with my sister?

INSOMNIAC: No

Oh really, Carol? It takes fewer muscles to smile than to frown? How many muscles does it take you to mind your own business

The most valuable breed of cow are the Cash

First day as a dad
When I change its diaper is that when I oil the baby? Also where is the filter and how many quarts does it take?

💀

Every jogger is running towards cake or away from kale.

Her: Are you even capable of love?

Me: I’m pretty sure I love pancakes.

Any animal that has a face CAN SPEAK. They’re just being stubborn.

ABRAHAM: You didn’t get me anything for Father’s Day.

ISAAC: Well, you tied me to a rock and tried to murder me, so, let’s call it even.

ABRAHAM: I feel like you use that excuse a lot.

ISAAC: Well, you tied me to a rock and tried to murder me, so, probably gonna keep using it.

ASSISTANT: People are worried you won’t do all the things you promised.

TRUMP: I’ll just blame someone else.

ASSISTANT: Like who?

TRUMP:

2020: the pandemic is coming you gotta stay inside

ME: oh no

2021: the pandemic is ending you gotta go outside

ME: OH NO

I’ll start buying “smart” appliances when they make a microwave that automatically electrocutes people who put fish in it

I hate when I grab a live wire and everyone sees my damn skeleton

Every fancy restaurant now is just named after two ingredients you’d never eat together. It’s always like “Basil and Butterscotch” or “Honey and Clam.”

Hub: What’s this?

Me: A divorce jar. Every time we fight you put a dollar in & I’m a little closer to freedom.

Hub: *puts $100 in*

Me:…

Most people use photoshop to create amazing art or graphic design. I use it to make fake Doritos flavors.

duolingo: he is a boy

me: él es un niño

duolingo: she is a girl

me: ella es una niña

duolingo: can i make it anymore obvious

me: puedo—wait

If chickens knew how good they tasted they would understand.

Pringles, it’s time to widen the can. Your target demographic isn’t thin-wristed.