Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Normally I’m a curmudgeon who doesn’t think young people have anything worthwhile to say, but then today a 20 year old changed my mind when she told me I looked 10 years younger than I am.

there was actually a 13th apostle, but not a lot of people know about him, because he was looking for a fork he’d dropped under the table right as leonardo painted that picture

20s: I want to see the world!

40s: If I do all of my food shopping on Sunday I won’t have to go outside for a week.

no one:

me at 2am: maybe cake in the fridge also can’t sleep cause it’s thinking about me

Just hugged the cat and he burped. He’s taking being called “My baby” too seriously.

I’m voting for whichever candidate agrees to lower the price of printer ink.

When I have to go back to work again, I’ll have to leave messages ranting about my job on my answering machine at least 6 times a day because the cats have grown accustomed to it

*creators of the alphabet, exhausted, and near the end*

Whatever, let’s just call this letter…double u.

[attempting roleplay in the bedroom] how long have you lived in the neighborhood

“The name’s And The Giant Peach. James And The Giant Peach.”

Apparently pumping to a woman means something entirely different.
I thought she meant the gym.
I wondered why my cereal tasted funny…😫😫😫

I tink there’s a deal going down in your backyard!

Medical form: Height?

Me: It depends on whether I’m wearing my hair in a man bun.

Medical form: Sex?

Me: Not since I started wearing my hair in a man bun.

3: mom I did a jump
Me: it was great
3: mom I did a jump
M: you did
3: mom I did a
M: jump yes
3: mom I did a
M: [jumps out window] me too

I hope in the Top Gun sequel Goose’s ghost visits Maverick and they do pottery together.

YOUR MARCH HOROSCOPES:

Aries: Stay inside.
Taurus: Stay inside.
Gemini: Stay inside.
Cancer: Stay inside.
Leo: Stay inside.
Virgo: Stay inside.
Libra: Stay inside.
Scorpio: Stay inside.
Sagittarius: Stay inside.
Capricorn: Stay inside.
Aquarius: Stay inside.
Pisces: Stay inside.

If a zombie approaches you, bop it on the nose with a rolled-up magazine and say NO.

me: do you take walk-ins

dude at the crematorium: what

Coffee is great because if you drink too much you realize there are tiny spiders under your skull weaving hair.

Good news, my mom’s friend’s sister’s cousin’s cat doesn’t have ringworm

*turns on alarm*

Alarm: I have a headache

*gets Ouija board*

Spirits, are there Pringles in the kitchen?

God returns to his desk with a midnight snack. He squints at a video feed of Earth. The plate of nachos falls to the floor in slow motion.

Me: So how do you want me to drop you off for your first day of middle school?

11: Just pull up and act cool.

Me: I don’t have to “act” cool, so I got this.

11: Daddy …

Me: Got it. Just be me.

11: DO NOT JUST BE YOU!

In the bathroom:

Me: *Meticulously manscapes*

Plumber: “Please don’t do that while I am in here.”

CRAIGSLIST AD: Wanted – chicken nugget shaped like Rafael. Have 2 Leonardo’s, willing to trade. Serious offers only. No Michaelangelo’s.

IRS: You claimed deductions for coffee and alcohol?

Me: They’re my dependencies.

IRS: It’s “dependents.”

Me: Oh, hahaha! Is prison hard?

My son to me, describing waking up without clothes on in the hospital after surgery when he was 6: “You have no idea what it feels like to wake up naked in a strange bed with no idea how you got there.”

Me: “Sure I don’t.”

*In fancy restaurant*

Waiter: can I recommend something off the specials board?

Me: I’d prefer a plate, tbh

My wife says the sweetest things in the morning like”Love you,” & “DID YOU SERIOUSLY EAT ALL THE COOKIE DOUGH FOR BREAKFAST WHAT IS WRONG WI