Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Funny how the British conquered so much land looking for spices.

But then refused to use them.

My job’s cybersecurity training said to “never assume a connection is real” and I was like I’m WAY ahead of you, pal

About to watch Tenet for the first time and I enjoyed it

BARISTA: hey, your drink is on the house today

ME: oh, wow

BARISTA: yup

[awkward pause]

ME: could…could you get it down?

excuse me, are you gonna finish those fries

me, interrupting a couple fighting

me: you take your job a little too seriously

bouncer: *jumping up and down* what

After slaving away making a full Christmas dinner, my 3yo looked lovingly at me and smiled. Then five simple words left her mouth… “can I have cereal instead?”

People always ask me why there’s a chair in my shower. Who the hell eats chili standing up?

Most people think that being in your 50s is now classed as the new 30s.

Take my word for It, the police speed cameras think differently

familiarity breeds contempt yes but honestly what doesn’t

Hiking is a great way to get fresh air, exercise, and find spots to hide the person you murdered.

boba fett is short for robert fettuccine

When a football player points to the sky after a touchdown he’s saying “That one’s for you, international space station”

God: you’re a Squid.

Squid: actually I’m a Kraken.

God: what’s a Kraken?

Squid: nothing what’s a Kraken with you? lol.

God: wa-was that an ocean pun?

Squid: maybe, did you like it : )

God:

Squid:

God: you krilled it : )

That time I tried to clap while doing a push-up and almost died.

[exchanging vows]
HIM: I’ll love you forever.
HER: I’ll love you until you leave me a voicemail.
HIM: Wait, what?!
PRIEST: No, that’s fair.

I feel like a taco salad is the worst way to eat a taco, and yet, the best way to eat a salad.

I just heard one of my kids say to her sister, “Hold still. I know what I’m doing.”

Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to go interrupt what I assume is amateur surgery.

*sees burglar
*throws flashlight at him
*misses
*throws another
*misses
*throws another
*misses
*throws another
Burglar: WTF
Me: COSTCO

Pretty sure I just did some classical ballet move as I got off the computer chair to get to the kitchen and saw a spider on my floor.

I just sneezed and even my dog looked worried.

“It was a different time.”

“It was this morning.”

“THAT’S A DIFFERENT TIME.”

I remember when I was 14 I really wanted a ZX Spectrum. I did odd jobs, and saved up my pocket money and paper-round wages until eventually I had enough money to pay my cousin Dawn to steal one from Dixon’s

I’ll scaramouche, but I don’t do the Fandango for every little silhouetto of a man.

Me: “I’d like to return this lube because it doesn’t work right”

Walmart associate: “Ma’am, that’s hand sanitizer”

Person behind me: “I’ll take it!”

I wanna go out
I wanna come in
I wanna go out
I wanna come in
I wanna go out
I wanna come in

-My dog, all day long.

People in glass houses can throw whatever they want. They live in a glass house, I’m not expecting them to be practical

Kid: Mom, the demon in my closet wants pizza or else it will kill us all

Me: The demon in your closet got pizza money?

I was at the library, when people began throwing Stephen King novels around.

I could not figure out why. Then IT hit me.

Me: I can’t believe it’s not butter!!

Wife: Well, that’s suntan lotion so I don’t know why you’re surprised

Me: *continues eating