Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

GF: *vomiting in sink* Ugh morning sickness

Me: Wait. . . wh-what?

GF: I’m pregnant

Me: Woah, slow down. Why did you call me sickness?

What idiot called it a picnic and not a blanquet?

I am waiting for the day we have a national scandal involving a gate

A Quiet Place but it’s just me trying to open a piece of cheese without my dog hearing

I always wanted to be an anesthesiologist but I gave up that dream because I couldn’t figure out how to spell it.

ME: I need help losing weight. I’ve tried everything.

NARRATOR: He hadn’t tried anything at all. Nothing.

Make friends with an enemy today. Hug them. Caress their cheek. Lick their eyeball. Cough directly into their mouth.

Am I annoying yet? How about now? Now? Now? Now? How about now? Now? Now? Now? Maybe now? Now? Now? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow?

Dress for the job you want to sleep at

If a neighbor rolls up in a golf cart to your new house, he’s either the really fun neighbor or he’s your new HOA overlord.

The problem with parental controls is I need my kid to help me figure out how to set them up

(Arrives in rescue boat to aid sinking cruise ship full of today’s pop artists, saves only Lorde and Sia, speeds away)

You can’t satisfy me in bed,
you’re not 7 pillows.

Nobody:

My possessed doll at 3 am: [laughs in Seth Rogen]

People are always impressed to hear that I graduated from Harvard at 16, but you can do anything you set your mind to if you just lie.

Me: Whats wrong babe?
Her: Nothing.
Me:*Pauses DVD of Shrek 2 that Ive had on a loop since losing my job* No somethings wrong I can tell.

Whenever someone tells me how well behaved my kids are I say it’s cause they’re not at home.

Of course you can be anything you wanna be. That’s how delusions work.

Being a toddler must be wild. Imagine thinking your own mother is trying to poison you when they give you a homemade vegetable quesadilla then going and eating the dirt out of a potted plant instead.

Just ate an order of cheese fries and smoke started coming out of my Fitbit.

Make bowling your first date. If he rents small shoes and jams his fingers in the wrong holes don’t bother with a second.

Bought a dozen stamps today so my kids can expect 11 stamps as part of their inheritance

son: school just got canceled

me: oh shit what did it do

me: *competes in gymnastics*

official: *blows whistle* stop saying “wee”

Ah, 50s…you just keep on giving.

My husband has a blanket pulled up over his face.

I think this means he wants me to talk to him.

Back seat drivers are all the same..
“Why we going into the woods?” “Let me out”

7: is it tomorrow yet?
Me: nope, it’s still today.
7: aww

Well at least the world isn’t spinning uncontrollably around a huge ball of fire.

Level of drunkenness: fed the ATM pizza.