Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

calling the number on a missing cat flyer and meowing

The little toadstool has spoken.

Objective: Get to bathroom without engaging Boyfriend’s roommates

What can I say? Your script is great. A cop in a supercharged patrol car fighting insane mutant gangs along limitless stretches of highway in a desolate, post-apocalyptic landscape. Fantastic. But the title, Annoyed Max. We need to punch that up

I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a child. Do they just show up or is there a number to call?

It’s been 24 years. I think they can’t find me.

me: does anyone here play baseball

england: *crickets*

can we all find some common ground and just agree that if anything should be illegal it’s 1ply toilet paper

If you’re trying to woo me without food… let me stop you right there.

Used ACME paint on an accent wall and now there’s a highway running through my living room.

Oh honey, when I said I wanted to grind your face I meant with a meat grinder

[orders pizza]

Would you also like our cheesy bread, comes with sauce?

Are you trying to sell me a side of pizza with my pizza? 2 please.

The Cranberries. Great band name. You pick a fruit and you get to work.

Worst part about getting a phone call is the 12 seconds you can’t use your phone as you wait for it to stop ringing.

Thousands of Amazon customers take the time each year to post “haven’t tried it yet” as a review — so no, I don’t overly concern myself with the opinions of internet strangers.

Apparently my kid got in trouble today for PACKING OUR TOASTER IN HIS BACKPACK and pulling it out at lunch to make pop tarts for his class. I can’t stop laughing.

Dudes who flirt on LinkedIn are like “That pickup line really backfired on Tinder so I’m going to try that again and include my entire work history”

Them: Don’t let someone live rent-free in your head.

Me: They’re right.

*sends invoices to all the jerks from my past that I keep thinking about*

Willy Wonka ran the original Squid Game.

ah yes writing, that thing i do where i open a word document and then get up and start cleaning my entire house

Why do they have the Met gala on a monday? the celebs probably have to come straight from from work

I just hope they never ban YouTube because I’ll never be able to figure out how to fix anything ever again.

I’d probably hike more if there was a lemonade stand every mile or two that served burgers.

Still complaining about the guy with a million followers taking credit for your tweets? Never had a boss have you?

I was bullied by a cheerleader in high school and she used to tan every day so I stayed out the sun for 34 years and now I look 10 years younger than she does. WHO’S CHEERING NOW BRITTNI?

“Don’t you understand the basics of cuddling? You don’t struggle and I don’t hurt you.”

whoever named the meatball absolutely nailed it

It’s not the amount of followers young GRASSHOPPER.

It’s the quality of followers.

Stop making mini snacks, people. Never have I been like, “wow this is a delicious cupcake. If only it were 1/4 of the size.”

If you want my kids to actually act thankful on Thanksgiving serve kraft mac n cheese, goldfish and apple
juice.

There are 7 air fresheners and only 1 soap dispenser in my office bathroom. Make of that what you will