Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Who is the highest ranking officer at the hospital?

General Anesthesia

Wake me when AI does housework

*skydiving*

Jumper: Where’s your parachute?
Married Guy: Don’t need one
J: There’s no chance of survival
MG: Not trying to beat the odds

This is an illustration of how dumb I am in the morning: I woke up yesterday to my “Alarm” on my phone and my first thought was “Aladdin is calling me”

Whenever the wife asks what I’m eating. I chew faster like a dog and refuse to open my mouth

Let’s all bow our heads and pray for my husband who very tragically asked me what I did all day.

Me: I can’t believe it’s not butter!!

Wife: Well, that’s suntan lotion so I don’t know why you’re surprised

Me: *continues eating

If the FBI want to get into an iPhone w/o users permission, they should ask someone who’s done it before, like U2

Friend: you’re so lucky you don’t have a job

Me, a stay-at-home mom, now with one less friend: so lucky

No bond is stronger than two coworkers who hate the same person.

Got tazed at the zoo again for shouting yasss queen at the peacocks.

Waiter: How would you like your Martini, Sir?

007: Shaken…

Andre 3000: Like a Polaroid picture

Salon has hairs on the floor
Garages have oil on the floor

Banks, What’s exactly your problem 😭

You ever leave cardboard on the frozen pizza, and it starts smoking, and your family bans you from using appliances because you burn shit up?
Me neither.

If you are looking for a relationship without all the baggage I suggest a layover.

i remember when i was like 19 i met sza and i told her ctrl got me through a break up and then she goes “aww babe that makes me so happy. how are you now?” and i go “back with him” and she said nothing and we just sat in silence.

Hey Canadians, what’s the plural of ‘moose?’
Mooses?
Mooseses?
Meese?
Meeses?
Moosii?

Asking for a friend.
It’s me.
I’m American.

Was bored so Applied for a dentist job at some clinic. I have an interview this week😭
I HAVE NEVER BEEN TO MED SCHOOL😭

This is my favorite Twitter interaction ever.

SO GOOD NEWS EVERYBODY MY SON HAS LEARNED HOW TO WHISTLE

the bad guy in hallmark movies is a boyfriend who is like “uh no babe i cant drop everything + leave work this weekend im about to close a deal for ten million dollars that will set us up for life” and the good guy is a guy who is just standing there when she gets to her hometown

I made my 9 year old french toast with syrup this morning per his request but promptly found out that he thought the fork and knife I provided were just a fun suggestion so anyway how do you get maple syrup off pants?

IM CRYING AT HIS REPLY

Guys with balls hangin from ur truck. that would mean ur truck is a man,yes? Which means you like to be inside a dude all day. Lol homo. : p

Ain’t no mountain high enough

Ain’t no valley low enough

Ain’t no high-security psychiatric hospital strong enough

To keep me from yooou

How did ppl describe the size of hail before the advent of sports?

My sign? I’m a Zebra, no grey areas for me.

Narrator: Ursula was indeed a Libra. She often confused astrology with zoology.

Hoping my son just tells me he knows I’m the tooth fairy so I don’t break my back trying to ninja this dollar under his pillow tonight

I prefer to dance when someone is watching, you know, in case I need medical attention.

eating beef jerky and thinking that cow probably shoulda drank more water