[overhears girl at work crying because her grandad & her dad died this month]
Me: not all men are like that
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Boss: Isn’t your new job kind of a [stifling laughter] sideways move?
Crab: [to HR person] see this is what I’m talking about
Found out I can become an IT pro in as little as 1 month with no experience & now I know where my company gets their IT pros.
After I drink coffee I show my empty mug to the IT guy and tell him I’ve successfully installed Java. He hates me.
aliens are gonna be super confused when they show up threatening to overthrow our leaders and we’re all stoked and offer to help.
*pops stick of Juicy Fruit in mouth*
“Mmm, this is delic…shit, the flavor’s gone.”
if you write “keep it together, man” without the comma you end up creating a new superhero named “keep it together man” and frankly if there’s one guy we need right now it’s him.
I can tell how much my company cares by their willingness to schedule a meeting, outside of work hours, to discuss how better to manage work/life balance
For my followers who’ve told me they feel shitty about where they are in life right now. Here’s my answer to y’all.
Jumps into shower
Shower : I have a boyfriend
I have been vegan for 11 years, but I was pinched by a crab today, and I feel it is only fair that I be allowed to eat one (1) of them as retribution.
[Waking up]
Me to me: I see my assassin failed.
i think muppets being in horror movies would be better than the original: a thread
I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a child. Do they just show up or is there a number to call?
It’s been 24 years. I think they can’t find me.
When do you introduce yourself to your new neighbors? Is it after 5 years? Tell me it’s after you hit their mailbox with your car.
Why did they call it K-pop and not Seoul music?
ufo crew: why are we hovering?
ufo captain: i wanna pet those dogs
ufo crew: why not land?
ufo cap: those talking monkeys are annoying af
I just went to church and had communion. Ok it was a gas station and I had 2 donuts but I did say a prayer before scratching my lotto ticket
Oh, you got a promotion? Congratulations! I got a promotion at home: my kids unanimously voted me “the WORST.”
New Cartoon for Alta magazine
I have tendinitis so bad the doctor told me it was twentydinitis.
i saw “independence day” in the theater in 1996, and friends, i will never forget the way the entire audience literally and ecstatically CHEERED when the dog escaped from the explosion. that dog could have won an election for president with like 95% of the vote in july, 1996
My grandfather told me that during the war he was exposed to irritants like pepper spray and mustard gas. Now he’s a seasoned vet.
[speed dating session]
Me: I have a good job with benefits. I love movies and hiking. And I’m a cat person.
Her: I love that! *writes her number on a napkin and slides it across to me*
Me: *slowly pushes the napkin off the table*
HER: how is remote learning going
ME [sadly]: I couldn’t figure it out so I just got up to change the channels
My hot neighbor said hi to me but not my girlfriend. This shouldn’t be a problem at all
Boss: are you sticking to the schedule
Death: yeah of course
Boss: so you’re not killing anyone prematurely to gain access to their earthly wares
Death: *pauses brand new PS5* what are you getting at Roy
As it turns out, ‘harder’ is a terrible safe word
The man next to me has cologne so strong that I’m dizzy with hallucinations, plus all those mushrooms I took.
Me: You think you have all the answers but believe me, you need what I have up here..
*points to head*Her: What, half a bottle of mousse?
“The curb is just a reverse pothole” I whisper to myself as I hear the wheel scraping against cement.