You look like someone who keeps gloves in their glove compartment.
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[wife gets home] did you feed the baby his spinach today?
[me doing push ups] hell no I’m not letting that baby get stronger than me
I would like a mode of transportation that only allows me to travel a foot at a time with maximum effort requiring stellar balance.
*pogo stick inventor* I got you.
A gentle reminder that all your panic buying will be going out of date soon. Enjoy your 36 egg omelette, you fat wankers.
I know this intervention is serious business but I see absolutely no snacks here.
there is nothing more wonderful than the laughter of children, except possibly my own laughter when I’m chasing them off my lawn while swinging a 2×4 with a nail in it
I always wear a wet suit and goggles to the pub so I don’t look like an idiot when I wake up on the beach in the morning.
Check out the legs on this baby
obsessed w/ the woman in line telling her life story. she hasn’t seen her daughter (annie) or grandkids in 3yrs bc they’re in australia. annie met her hubby in hawaii while surfing. she’s had trouble w/ the neighbors lately but that’s annie, she’ll find it wherever she goes
Can I come over. I got the zoomies and you have an open floor plan
Marriage has an interesting way of turning the word ‘whatever’ into a flamethrower.
My 4yo said he was playing at lunch with a girl from his class at school.
Me: Which game were you playing?
4: Lava Queen and Assistant!
Me: Let me guess. You were the assistant?
4: How did you know, daddy?!
Daddy knows.
Every once in a while someone really special walks into your life. That person is usually delivering a pizza
How’s school, Hannah?
“Really tough, dad.”
They’re calling you Hannah Banana, aren’t they?
“No-”
WHY THE HELL NOT
If I was stuck on a desert island with only one record, I would want it to be the record for being able to swim the farthest.
BOOK FACT: If you took every book in our store and laid them end to end you would be thrown out by security and banned from returning.
Bruce Willis calls the cops to report the pug that’s been chasing him. The line is silent except for soft panting. the operator barks
Had sex with a condom tonight.
Maybe next time it will be with a girl.
I just can’t watch football, there’s too much “penetration in the backfield” for me to not giggle like an immature maniac.
The answer to the question, “do these jeans still fit” depends on whether or not I actually have to sit down at any point.
Coronavirus and Animal Crossing is like that one summer with Pokémon GO but like…..opposite.
Every one hides their keys under a rock, it’s way too obvious folks.
Instead, try hiding it somewhere no one will ever expect, like in an active wasp nest or in your dogs mouth.
The way my neighbors are making their trick-or-treating kids skip my door you’d think I was handing out ecstasy pills like last year.
Neighbor just yelled at me for playing in his sprinkler.
Note to self, I should wear clothes next time.
If you are experiencing joint pain, you are probably holding the lit end.
CW: What’s your favorite shellfish fantasy drama?
Me: Game of Prawns 🍤
My german shepard doesn’t like dog food, so we have that in common.
My twins both have hiccups at the same time and I’m over here hoping it’s not the eighth sign of the apocalypse
“Nobody will embarrass the UFC more than Jon Jones”
Conor McGregor-“Hold my beer bro”
Me: Knock knock.
Psychic: Ha! Good one.
There’s a state called, Ohio, but not a state called, Goodbio