[overhears the flight attendant asking the people in the emergency row if they’re capable and willing to operate the emergency exit]
Passengers: Yes
Me: MAKE THEM PROVE IT
You Might Also Like
Me: teachers have a hard job, stop treating them as babysitters.
also me when school resumes in the fall: OH THANK GOD
Me: Don’t forget we’re wearing matching costumes for Halloween.
Husband: Great! What should we be?
Me: I meant me and the dog.
Husband: Of course you did.
My auto reply to texts:
I would love to, but I have to [verb] a [noun] .
guys love flexing “i’m self made” so is amoeba what’s your point
When I was a kid there were two ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents
One time an orca befriended me and then tried to steal my boyfriend
Heroes and Herpes are just one tiny letter different, and other things I find out when I’m not wearing my glasses.
Wow… the headline was intriguing, but the payoff was beyond my wildest expectations
As it may promote gay propaganda & non traditional sex, pictures from my workout this afternoon will not be published.
I always take a different store’s tote bags when I go grocery shopping so they don’t get the idea we’re exclusive or anything.
Schrödinger: Happy anniversary!
Schrödinger’s wife: Thank you! I wonder what’s in the box!
Schrödinger: [Realizes he grabbed the wrong box and starts sweating]
You’ve got two basic kinds of people — people who move towards weird sounds and people who move away from them.
We’ve seen a guy in a hockey mask with a machete, we’ve seen a dude put knives on his glove, but how is there no horror movie about a tiny flying baby with a bow and arrow, that shit sounds terrifying.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: If Bruno Mars had a sex change operation would he change his name to Bruno Venus?
This intermittent fasting thing would be so much easier if I could just move the clocks ahead so willy nilly every day
This is my emotional support knife.
Standing in the snow on a sub-zero morning, holding a steaming bag of poop, I begin to question my ‘dogs are better than people’ philosophy.
I’m older than the internet. When I was a kid we didn’t Google things, we had to ask our parents and then carefully filter through the bullshitery
I’ve never been a backseat driver. My arms aren’t long enough.
Jim is short for Jimberly. The short form for James is obviously Jam
“So how was your date?”
I talked about my obsession with reducing fractions too much
“That wasn’t a good idea”
Yeah well, hindsight is 1
my grandpa: [watching me set up an email account] your password is 8 stars?
My friend is really bad at multitasking. Sometimes I’ll be on the phone with him and he’ll say “I’m going into an elevator” and hang up
For the orator and chef in all of us
deleted bumble, instead i’m just going to walk into trader joe’s and look confused
☠️
“My homework ate my dog” -student in python breeding class
I put on pants like everybody else. Whenever there’s a knock on the front door
Finally! 😈
ME: When I die, I want to be cremated.
GLOBAL WARMING: Let me save you a step.