Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“All you can control is yourself,” I told myself as though I’d never seen my Mastercard statement

After the hipster got his girl pregnant, he wouldn’t shut up about how he was into her before she got big.

So 10’s school is having PJ day tomorrow and asked the parents who drop off to wear theirs too..

Should I tell them I sleep in the nude or just show up?

They say money can’t buy happiness, but could someone just give me a lot of it and let me see for myself.

Interviewer: so tell me your strengths

Me: conducting interviews

Interviewer: *narrows eyes*

Me: so tell me your weaknesses

Interviewer: *starts sweating*

dating apps aren’t working so it’s time to look confused in a trader joe’s

The mailman told my husband he banged every woman on the block, except for 1, I told him it had to be Carol next door, she’s really not friendly

Fun things to try with your loved ones #32145

If you find yourself with a friend or a family member in an enclosed space such as a car or an elevator:

1)Release a ‘silent but deadly’ fart
2)Ask them, “Hey! Do you smell popcorn?!”

They inhale deeply…

Me: I’m not going to spend money on a Halloween costume this year.

Also me: *comes home with 5 Halloween costumes for my dog*

I heard a photographer was killed in a freak accident when a large wheel of cheddar landed on her.

To be fair, the people who were being photographed did try to warn her.

[first day as a barista]

ME: large coffee ready for a *squints to read* nice hole

NICHOLE: oh come on

When a movie has an exorcist, some demons are in for a bad time, but not at first.

My dead husband has to report for jury duty. He just can’t catch a break.

Batman: Life isn’t a video game. Your actions have consequences

*Robin writes ‘I’m sorry I forgot to buy Charmin®’ 100 times on Batpaper*

Can’t get a girl? Rip out your rib and make your own! Critics are raving “this doesn’t work” and “I’m bleeding to death”.

My walk of shame is walking past the people I just said goodbye to because I went in the wrong direction and had to go back.

As we debated who would win between Vader and Gandalf, we suddenly realized our dates had left

Leaving airbnb: polish all the floors, bake a cake, and wash the towels/ fold them into cranes

Leaving hotel: just don’t kill anybody but if you do take the body please. But it’s ok if you don’t

Ben Affleck works at Dunkin’ Donuts in their new #SuperBowl ad.

ME (a man who was paid to write 3 reviews 20 years ago): Well, you know, speaking as a writer…

I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s

Canadians say “sorry” so much that a law was passed in 2009 declaring that an apology can’t be used as evidence of admission to guilt

Maybe your grandma covered her furniture in plastic because she was a murderer. You don’t know for sure.

[scale says I’ve gained 5 pounds]

Me: It’s probably just what I’m wearing.

Wife: You’re naked.

Me:

Wife:

Me: It’s a heavy deodorant.

Every time I go through airport security I’m terrified that I accidentally packed a bomb.

DOG: where do you go every day?
OWNER: to work
DOG: i don’t know what that is, but sounds sad
CAT: you leave? really?

I’m alibisexual. Im attracted to anyone who will say they were with me last Tuesday between 3 and 5 AM

Overheard a lady say, well, my sister-in-law, she’s a bit of a mess… And from my table I wanted to yell Go on.

date: i love that you know about plots of land

me: thanks that means a lot

Hot tip: Apparently it’s frowned upon to make the sound effect tssst when being blessed by a priest