[overhears two people taking about how difficult it is to get into Harvard] *whispers to self* Hardvard
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I hate double standards. Burn a body at a crematorium, you’re “being a respectful friend.”
Do it at home and you’re “destroying evidence.”
bank robber: *fires gun* everyone be cool this is a robbery
banker: *pops collar of leather jacket, takes long drag of cigarette*
bank robber: *points gun* not that cool
Don’t ask me if I have a safety pin if you’re going to look at me all weird when I pull one out of my pocket and hand it to you.
[JAN 1]
*tears off Dec 2016 calendar page*
[JANUARY 2016, Part 2]
What?
*flips*
[YOU DIDN’T THINK]
*flips*
[2016 WOULD END, DID YOU?!]
NOO!!
“I know how to make an entrance.”
-guy who builds doors
they told me to make myself at home so i moved their silverware to the more logical drawer
Him: idk, i just.. i feel like you’re trying to boil me into soup
me, throwing carrots and potatoes into a giant cauldron: babe, you sound crazy right now
Girlfriend: can you run to the gas station and get some gas
Me: sure
Gas station employee: how can I help you
Me: *sweating out of breath* gas please
Gas station employee: where’s your car
“Doctor, I’m afraid of people yelling letters of the alphabet at me.”
THERAPIST: Oh! You are? WHY???
blessings are like coconuts
sometimes you get bonked on the head outta no where, like “what to heck is this furry bonk ball?! I hate it!”
but eventually you learn you can put a tiny umbrella, some rum and a krazy straw in there. now furry bonk ball is friend
[robbing a bank]
Bank teller: *slides over money* here you go
Me: *slides it back* can I make a deposit
Just tried to parallel park. 5 people are injured, 3 critical, 6 missing. The casualties continue to mount
I tell people that the secret ingredient
in my cookies is “love” but it’s actually “floor” .
Imagine being The Sun and finding out there is an entire line of glasses devoted to thwarting your vibe
Husband: Did you eat the leftovers?
Me: No.
H: Who did then?
Me: Ninjas.
H: (sigh) There are no ninjas.
Me: They’re very good ninjas.
“But I can’t conquer China, it’s way too big…”
Now Genghis, what do I always say?
*Sighs*
“I’m Genghis Khan, not Genghis Khan’t”
*Makes bacon
*Eats one piece
*2 pieces
*3 pieces
*Eats all the bacon
*Hides the evidence9: Yummm! What’s that smell?
Me: Cereal
self awareness is such a two edged sword omg?? like yay i know myself better!! but at what cost.
I stopped at Culver’s and got cheese curds. I felt so guilty, I really should’ve gotten some onion rings too.
“oh no, this is so scary or whatever lol”
-giraffe in quicksand
YES I’M JEALOUS OF YOUR GOLDFISH. MENTAL ILLNESS RUNS IN MY FAMILY.
We’ve all been there
“Oh man, that thing looks irritated”
– me, pulling into the airport parking lot and seeing my mother-in-law waiting on the curb
I went on a date last night!
It went really well…up until the moment the couple realized I was following them & promptly called the cops.
True
CAPTAIN AMERICA: Avengers, assemble!
*points to a bunch of IKEA shit he just bought for the headquarters*
Boss: I hope you didnt think about work while you were on vacation
Me: I don’t even think about it when I’m here
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but I live in Canada. So, free health care.
Mom 1: My son’s gonna be a pro baseball player
Mom 2: Mines gonna be a doctor
Me: My son shows strong signs of being able to escape prison
I was supposed to be taller, but I made it up with width for the sake of Geometry.