[overhears two people taking about how difficult it is to get into Harvard] *whispers to self* Hardvard
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my internet boyfriend is cheating on me with my other internet boyfriend
My son told me he had a loose tooth so I asked him which one and he said “Gary.” This little weirdo named each of his teeth!
I don’t know who needs to hear this but by September you should already have your letter to Santa drafted.
I hate when I accidentally say “I love you” instead of “I’m biologically driven to want to reproduce with you & I’m temporarily delusional”
When you want your ball, but you don’t want to get wet
🎾💧💦
Alexa doesn’t hear when I ask her a direct question but will hear me mumbling from across the room so I can only assume she’s related to my husband
How the hell did we win World War II? Every soldier I’ve seen who fought in it is old as shit.
[Garden Of Eden]
Adam: Is this your first time?
Eve: YES ADAM! Literally, everything I do is my “first time”, for the love of God please stop asking.
Getting older is cool because you can take a deep breath and it’ll crack your back
Met a dog named Donut. I don’t need that kind of reminder all day. Excuse me, I have to go take Smaller Portions for a walk.
My husband: Put on something hot and do a sexy dance for me, baby.
Me: *puts on Snuggie and does the worm*
Caveman1: look, I invent wheel
Caveman2: what we do now?
Caveman1: wait for Jesus to take wheel
Caveman2: dum dum Jesus not invented yet
You break into a petting zoo once, to try and brush a goat’s teeth…and all of a sudden you’re banned for life.
*sighs*
My kid is not a good sleeper so I’ll fight pretty much anyone about pretty much anything.
One time I got so mad at capitalism I paid off all my credit cards
who gives a shit about how many spiders you eat when you’re asleep? I’m worried about how many are getting into the other holes
Some people come into your life for a reason.
Like for target practice.
Backstreet Boys: everybody, rock your body
Dwayne Johnson: i got this
tinder profile where the fish is holding me
Mailman left a package on my porch labeled “Do Not Bend.” I can’t figure out how to pick it up.
“It’s terminal-”
GOD! HOW LONG DO I HAVE?
“Departure time is in three hours.”
THREE? WHAT DO I DO?
“This is an airport.”
SO WHAT? I’M DYING!
What one thing may cause you to snap so that you could see yourself committing murder?
<At same time>
Husband: If anyone hurt my chil-Me: Being forced to listen to jazz music — I mean, children. I’m going with the children thing.
ME: *taking a massive hit of universal healthcare*
DAD: *pounding on the door* what are you kids doing in there?
ME:
DAD: Are you doing socialism in there? Open this door right now
some people wear bees as beards you say? well that seems pretty foolish to me because I have had only one bee on my face and it is terrifying
[calling in sick]
me: the doctor told me to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal size one
My Uber driver is acting weird. He is wearing a mask and making me ride in the trunk. 1 star.
MAMA GRAPE (to Baby Grape): If you’re going outside, be sure not to wear sunscreen so you get all dry and wrinkly!!
PAPA GRAPE: Ah, you’re raisin them well…
🎶It’s like 10,000 steps when all you need is a nap🎶
‘What’s in the box? What’s in the box? WHATS IN THE BOX!?’ I shout. ‘Ha ha, just kidding my name is Drew and I’m your new gynaecologist’