Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[slips wedding dj a 5] got any korn

Maybe I’m not depressed. Maybe I just think moving trains need hugs too.

boss: what is the problem

coworker: [pointing to me] that guy stole my thesaurus

me: he peddles falsehoods

If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”

Don’t let anyone tell you who you are unless you’re concussed and confused and genuinely need to know.

I do my best parenting lying down (allowing my kids to sleep in the bed with me so they don’t come in and wake me up at 5 am)

I miss the good old days, when more people were catapulted.

who else up pondering the strange drawings on their door

Gotta get to bed early-tomorrow I’m bringing down the recycling

My son asked why my legs are “so fat.” You’re damn right I’m here for validation.

What idiot called it a driver’s test and not a Game of Cones?

Going to wash my car then when I get back it’s all politics for me from here on out. I don’t really pay attention so I won’t know what I’m talking about but that’s clearly not stopped any of you

Her: are you single?
[flashback to 2011 where I tried to kiss a girl but she turned away and I kissed her cheek]
Me: haha idk

I await the announcement that Trump’s running mate will be Charlie Sheen.

Jerry: He offered you a red pill and a blue pill?
George: Two pills, no water
Jerry: No water?
George: No water
Jerry: Cant take a pill without water
George: Never could
Jerry: So what’d you do?
George: I left. I’m not choking down a dry pill
Kramer enters in a leather coat

*runs 3 steps*

my heart: if u don’t stop i will

my phone suggesting a strong password:
kybdgQqwPlhg53!&68f

me: how tf did it know my childhood dog’s name?

Better “copulate” than “copunever.”

[job interview]
“What would you say is your greatest strength?

I’m pretty humble. Actually, I’m incredibly humble. Amaaaaazingly humble.

Him: I got 99 problems but you ain’t one.

Her: Just wait.

Remember when The Backstreet Boys told us to show them the meaning of being lonely and we were like ok

People take air traffic control so seriously. Just have fun with it

i’m stubborn like an old person & stupid like a young person & have the good qualities of neither

if bears could make porridge the temperature would be like the last thing on my list of concerns

You brake checked me? My baby is car-seatless rolling around the floor like a water bottle, and you brake check me?

There is far less use of the pogo stick as a mode of transportation than I imagined when I was 10.

Food delivery driver here, time is money so no need to stand behind your front door for a few minutes pretending that you’ve not just been staring out your window looking for us for the last 20 minutes and yes we saw your curtains twitching

My 5 year old set up the lemonade stand all by himself and, while I’m proud of him, I doubt he’ll make a lot of sales in the backyard.

Contrary to what Mario Kart led me to believe, banana peels aren’t an effective way to get rid of tailgaters.

On a side note, do you realize how much they’re getting for littering tickets these days???

Last night, I took a sip of water and a spider crawled on my lip! I no longer drink water, have lips or live here.