Overindulged this afternoon.
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My wife often wishes she could use a remote to mute me but the joke would be on her. I’m even more annoying in closed captions.
Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to do something, I forget what, but it’s something inconvenient.
“Who’re you?”
“I’m sorry, but Who’re isn’t actually an accepted word, you meant to sa-”
” I meant to say who’re, because you’re a who’re.”
I always thought orthopaedic shoes were overrated, but I stand corrected…
there are only 2 generations:
-America’s Funniest Home Videos
-Tik Toks
Technology promised us hoverboards but delivered e-scooters.
It’s crazy how you can be shopping in a hardware store and need help but can’t find a single employee to help you, then there are times when you don’t need help and five employees will pop up out of no where asking if you need help.
Every. Single. Time.
me: im just so tired of the monotony of my life, it’s exhausting doing and seeing the same things every day
target employee: you could probably just not come here as much?
[inventing trees]
Angel: what purpose do they serve?
God: they give us oxygen. Also cats like to climb em
Angel: can they climb back down?
God [inventing the fire dept]: they cannot
I always say no to drugs. But, if they ever start deep frying them, I’m in big trouble.
My wife refuses to hire a housekeeper bc *checks notes* she doesn’t want them to see this mess.
me: we have a problem, i forgot the speakers
her: it’s cool i don’t like music
me: ok we have 2 problems
I read all your bumper stickers and now we’re both stupid.
Why do people send an @ just to be nasty. Oh yeah, because they are thick dumb cunts who have no life. Glad I cleared that up.
Shout out to the top 5 drops in the world, gum, rain, eaves, shop ’til you and you could hear a pin.
[1994]
*rewinds tape with a pencil*[2016]
*gets angry when I accidentally close the music app*
this is the most amazing image I’ve ever seen
If the good lord did not intend for me to eat this entire bag of chili cheese fritos then he wouldn’t have made them so delicious
Amen
Sometimes you send an email that requires a response, and the other person writes back right away, and it’s like NO NOT YET.
If you think my tweets are strange you should hear the squirrel’s side of the conversation.
marry someone u only kinda like so if u get a divorce it won’t be that bad
Corona-na-na-na-na Corona-na-na-na-na MASK MAAAAAN
I’m not interested in men anymore, my focus is on buffets.
I just want to bring your heart to it’s knees.
… And while you’re down there…
When the sour cream you forgot about in the back of the fridge growls at you, that means it’s went bad, right?
Microsoft word: “I’ll do anything to enhance your writing and editing experience, just ask”
Me: “I’d like to add comments to footnotes”
Microsoft word: “eat shit!”
I like to sleep naked, I love the feeling of the sheets against my skin.
On an unrelated note I’m not allowed in Ikea anymore
First date tip: Laugh at all his jokes, even bad ones. Men love it. Laugh louder. If he begs you to stop…laugh harder. This is good advice
The feeling of peace when amongst the trees quickly disappears when you notice a coyote nonchalantly walking towards you.
This gratitude journal looks a lot like a grocery list.