Overindulged this afternoon.
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Edward Scissorhands is the story of someone who can’t help cutting and poking holes in everything he loves. It’s about a cat.
Me: I’ll give you a Wednesday for two Mondays
Stock Broker: that’s not how day trading works
Why didn’t I marry a hairdresser or a baker. I did not think this through.
rival dad next door just randomly decided to power wash his driveway on a Wednesday at 10:30 in the morning. guess i’m gonna have to install an in ground pool and tiki bar this afternoon.
my nudist neighbours are moving away and selling everything and I’m thinking the washer and dryer will be worth a look
I’m that aunt who laughs when my brother is scolding his kids and now we’re all in trouble.
Called Comcast to see about dropping my service and long story short, If anyone wants to watch Showtime, call me on one of my 36 landlines.
My uncle started shouting at me about my “misuse” of emoticons and had a heart attack 😉
I love birthdays! My boyfriend rented a special hotel room for us to fight in.
You are never alone with Cthulhu in your mind. #WednesdayWisdom
Inside Out 2:
The girl enters puberty.
Her emotions get out of control.
She goes Goth.
Sadness murders the other emotions in their sleep
if she’s your girlfriend why does the mere sight of me make her scream “wow” louder than you ever could
Just asked my husband if he wants to have sex. He said no and went back to his puzzle. Good to know I sill got “it”.
And God said to John, come forth and ye shall be granted eternal life…..
But John came fifth and won a toaster.
I think jerks misbehave on airplanes because they think they can’t be thrown out of an airplane like they routinely get thrown out of bars. The obvious solution is to, at least once a month, throw some jerk out of the airplane.
Just once I’d like to see 25 tiny cars come out of a clown.
If my kids invented a drink.
When I am calculating any risk, I think to myself: is this first cat life behavior? Or ninth cat life behavior?
Just once, I’d like to see an honest Facebook status, like “happy birthday to my average-looking, sort of friend, Amanda!”
Actually, Frankincense was the name of the doctor who created it. You’re thinking of Frankincense’s monster.
My ID expired so I can only go to the liquor store where they remember me: the one where I asked the cashier out and threw up on the floor.
‘Sorry I liked your Facebook status, I was using my laptop as a plate’- my autobiography
Well, if anything, the Mayans DID teach us ONE valuable lesson.
If you don’t finish something…it’s really not the end of the world.
So apparently you’re supposed to change the lint filter in the dryer more than once a year firemen are hot
Her: What’s with the bunny?
Him: I’m teaching him to look into the mirror and say, “you talkin’ to me?”
Her: Why?
Him: Because Rabbit Deniro is a badass and an artist, Lauren.
“Can’t wait to see you this summer” they said
“I’m gonna miss you so much” they said
“Stop quoting me” they said
Not to brag, but I can cure a man of having a thing for me in five minutes flat.
Sometimes vampires bite and kill their victims and sometimes they bite and turn them into vampires. So it’s like, do I just want supper or do I want a BFF?
Every time you make a typo
the errorists win.