Overindulged this afternoon.
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Them: I wish for world peace
Me: May all the food you order resemble the picture on the menu
My gf thinks I cook our meals cause I love her. Really, it’s cause I’m afraid she might try to poison me.
PRIEST: What is your view on celibacy?
ME: I thought her vocal performance on Goldfinger was outstanding.
Mmmm. Shoeshi
FYI: By the end of the Twelve Days of Christmas song, your home is crammed with 23 flying Birds and 50 hyperactive Humans.
Dear Restaurant Managers:
If more than 3 employees ask me how I’m enjoying my meal, I begin to wonder if you know something I don’t know.
Mean Girls if they were all 12th century blacksmiths.
[god creating seahorses]
angel: any more ideas for animals?
god: ok, what if tiny saxophones could swim
Mike: Mom! We’re out of burrito paper!
Mom: Dammit Mike, they’re tortillas. You’re twenty six.
If I was a vulture, I would make way better use of it than most vultures now. For starters, I would do a lot of ominous circling over weddings.
Secret to a successful marriage is to compliment your spouse before discussing tasks and chores
(Watching Hocus Pocus with my kids for the first time)
Twinzer: Dad, what’s a virgin?
Me: uh… someone from Virginia
Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, shame on me
Fool me three times, I’m never sending you nudes again.
9yo son: The difference between moms and dads is that when you say “I’m hungry,” moms say “go eat something” and dads say “hi, Hungry, I’m dad.”
“GENTLEMEN, WE ARE AT WAR WITH TROY AND MUST NOT DROP OUR GUARD AT ALL”
“Sir, the enemy gave us a giant wooden horse”
“Oh rad bring it in”
People who get stoned in glass houses should probably wear pants
…or whatever that saying is
Me: I hear you love company?
Mystery: No, that’s Misery
Me: Oh
Mystery:
Me:
Mystery:
Me:
Mystery: OR IS IT
me: come back to my place?
her: sure
me: it’s not haunted
her: what
me: no ghosts
“If you can’t handle me at my diddliest, you don’t deserve me at my doodliest.” -Ned Flanders
Vegetables: “We need to be stored in special conditions with ideal humidity and temperature.”
Potatoes:
My auto reply to texts:
I would love to, but I have to [verb] a [noun] .
The adjective “interesting” is way more reliable when applied to cheese than when used to describe people.
I adopted a rock.
He just sits there and does nothing all day.
It still beats raising Kylo.
Back in the day, with $2 bucks you could go to the store and walk out with a bunch of Doritos, and beer. Now they have security cameras.
wife: are you wearing my clothes?!?
me: ok I know this looks bad
me: it needs a belt right?
hi. the. headline. wants. you. to. be. mad. that’s. how. it. makes. money.
🌷🌷🌷🌷🌷🌷🌷🌷🌷🌷🌷🌷
What idiot called it grand larceny and not klepto currency
My 4yo has been wrapping up his toys in newspaper and giving them to me as gifts all morning.
Really wishing right now I had bought him better shit.
Judge: You have power of attorney?
Me:*curling two briefcases* Pfft. What do you think, bruh?
STOP PUTTING DIARRHOEA MEDICATION ON THE BOTTOM SHELF