Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

long lost

*first date*

Me: *don’t be weird don’t be weird don’t be weird*

“OHMYGOD I have an app that can show us what our kids will look like.”

“No! YOU’RE plastered!!!”

-me, drunk, walking into a wall

*getting murdered*

wait stop moving. im trying to get the dog filter on both of us

A pyramid scheme collapsing is condescending.

A guy on TV opened a bag of chips and my dog came running into the living room thinking it was me so now she’s playing with a ball she found and is acting like that’s what she wanted all along

My refrigerator died. In lieu of flowers, a new fridge would be nice.

I hate how early it gets dark now.

Alaska: LOL

I used to care what my neighbours think but then I met them

clark, the office penguin, raised his fin and voted “no” on implementing a “casual friday”.

[on the phone]

Me: I can’t make it in today
Boss: That’s the 3rd time this week
M: *neck deep in Kit Kat wrappers* I have a problem

scoring in hockey: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5

scoring in baseball: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5

scoring in basketball: 2, 4, 6, 8, 10

scoring in tennis: love, 15, 30, 40, turkey sandwich, spider, 57, keanu reeves

[me on Ellen}

Ellen: so i heard you like to tell people directions

Me: that’s right Ellen

Don’t you hate it when you leave your gym bag in the hot car and all your Hershey Bars melt?

[being chased around my house by a murderer]
ME: PLEASE STOP, THIS IS JUST SENSELESS

MURDERER: What?

ME [puts Fitbit on] Ok carry on

If a peanut butter cookie between two chocolate chip cookies is considered a sandwich, then I may have had a sandwich or two for lunch.

Unhappy with work? Have a child.

Now you love work.

Good morning to everyone, especially those who say “oh ffs, what now?” Every time their news notification on their phone goes off

[the seventh day]

God: *walks in wearing bangs*

Angel: maybe you should rest

just kicked half a dozen toys under the sofa and called my house tidy

Hell hath no fury like a woman who doesn’t remember asking you to wake her up from a nap

Be careful who you piss off around here because some people use caps lock

ALIEN: [1st day on Earth wearing my hollowed carcass as a disguise & trying to blend in] COFFEE AMIRITE

If I suddenly had the ability to teleport, I’d spend an entire day popping up naked in front of people and asking for John Connor.

termites walking up to the ark: two please

noah: any dietary restrictions?

termite: yeah we only eat woo—

noah:

termite: *noticing sheep* —ool. wool

noah:

termites:

noah: *getting down real close* stay the hell out of my sweaters

Them: Ma’am, we received your Aisles On-line order and we’re just calling to question what seems to be a discrepancy in your order.

Me: I did indeed order 30 packages of bacon if that’s what you’re referring to.

If I ever have an out of body experience, when it’s over I’m gonna be like “Umm, do I have to go back to my original body? I kinda like that younger one with better hair over there.”

Why are so many pills round? Try making some square so they don’t all roll away onto the floor and under the cabinets.

When gearing up for a mountain climbing adventure it is important to remember to no.