Overpopulation? Ban coffee. Humans will murder the shit out of each other.
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Nothing makes my kid understand the value of money more than me owing them $4.37
time to go viral by writing an obvious thing in all caps a bunch of times.
repeat after me.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
Me: Finally, time to sleep!
Brain: ahem
Me: oh God please no
Brain: I was thinking we could sing that catchy commercial jingle. 87 times.
I can tell I’m watching too much porn when I’m filling up w/ gas & just before the nozzle clicks off I pull it out and spray it on the car.
beyoncé communicating with the dead is what i would call a seyoncé.
AVOCADO: Hello I’m good fat
BACON: *lights cigarette* *punches avocado*
When they said “History repeats itself,” I wasn’t expecting all of the twentieth century in two years.
My boss accused me of being overly dramatic, I lamented in a soliloquy as I threw myself across the desk in feigned shock
if i got $5 every time i thought of u i would start thinking of u
I buy my cat Christmas AND Hanukkah toys, because I’m really not sure what her religious beliefs are.
me: meet my invisible gf
friend: u don’t have to settle for that
me: ok but she’s–
friend: i was talking to her
How it started How it’s going
I packed workout clothes for a vacation and my suitcase guffawed, unzipped itself and shot the clothes back out like a t-shirt cannon
*Buys map of world, pins up on wall
*Throws dart, swears to visit wherever it lands
*packs for wall 3 feet away
*has an amazing time at wall
by milkshake she means trash and by boys she means raccoons and it’s a real problem in that neighborhood
Thunder only happens when it’s raining. Neighbors only mow lawns when you’re napping.
Don’t be jealous but my daughter just told me a 95 minute story about a cough drop.
PENSIVE MAN: the most terrifying enemy we face is the fear within
PERSON WHO NARROWLY SURVIVED A GRIZZLY ATTACK: or a bear
me: I feel your pain
french baker: ma’am, pls stop touching the bread
Cashier: do you want cash back?
Me: I mean who wouldn’t. There’s ring of fire, I walk the line. Let’s not forget his christmas album
FYI: I guess the goal of bobbing for apples is not who can drink all the water.
Most people getting out of an Uber: “thanks”
Midwesterner getting out of an Uber: “Good luck with your custody battle! There’s no way the courts won’t be able to see what an amazing mother you are! You stay strong Amber…I love you!”
wdym i don’t know how to flirt like my eyebrow wiggle game is superior.
I drink Rockstar cause I’m a rockstar. My wife drinks Monster.
You know you’re getting old when you fall down and wonder what else you can do while you’re down there.
*driving my date to the ER*
I told you my possum doesn’t like direct eye contact. This one is on you.
this is the best interaction on twitter
Me being confident.
I am 99% sure I did it, well 90% anyway.
Ok.. 50%.
Did I do it?
Sent an email to my Mom. Now I’m at her place showing her how to open it.
[coffee shop]
ME: [hanging up a flyer for my band]
CUTE GIRL: Is that your band?
ME: No it’s a flyer