Overpopulation? Ban coffee. Humans will murder the shit out of each other.
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Me: Bob, it’s pronounced CHANGING, not a-changin’.
Bob Dylan: ?
Me: Can someone teach Bob to say CHANGE?
*David Bowie stands up*
Me: Not you
I asked my cousin why he eats the burger first and he’s like imagine I die whilst eating the chips
Me: *shopping for turtlenecks*
Amazon: People who bought this item also bought lye, plastic sheeting, and a chainsaw
BREAKING: FBI discovers that Hillary’s 30,000 deleted emails were all Facebook notifications from Biden tagging her on cat videos.
My kid just asked if ‘duct tape’ is short for ‘abduction tape’.
… we’re totally nailing this parenting thing.
[a door mysteriously slams shut]
me: *spooked* what was that
the ghost haunting my home: just me still haunting lol
me: thank goodness I thought I left a window open
Him: It’s over. You’re too immature.
Me: [with 2 Pringles in my mouth pretending I’m a duck] Quack?
The clinic won’t give me any more emotional support spiders since I already swallowed 8 of them this year.
i’m getting my wisdom teeth taken out on monday. i know most people get this procedure done when they’re like 16 but i think the move is waiting to do it when you’re 25 and depressed cause then you can appreciate the drugs a lot more
My grandmother sewed and crocheted until she was into her 90s and her hands just couldn’t do it any longer. So don’t expect me to be putting this phone down anytime soon.
“I think therefore I am”
–Yoda pointing at a photo of himself when he was four
I always take the high road, because the colors are more psychedelic and sometimes you see a unicorn.
Finish all your pizza or you don’t get any ice cream!
– me, making my kids eat their dinner before dessert
why isn’t he texting back
Jesus [on the cross]: I hope you guys make some cool necklaces about this
My sneeze is the reason people in the middle ages believed sneezing was caused by demon possession
Dating a beekeeper would be stressful because if they called you “honey,” you wouldn’t know if they were being romantic or if they were just thinking about work again.
Is Vanilla Ice’s son named Vanilla Extract? Cuz he should be.
4-year-old: Are goats real?
Me: Of course they are. I can show you some if you want.
4: *runs away*
Apparently she was saying “ghosts.”
Please stop saying “There are plenty of fish in the sea”. I’m sick of having sex with fish!!
“Mmm, tastes just like chicken!”
-My 6 year old eating a piece of chicken
HOW DO I CONVINCE EVERYONE THAT I’M NOT UPSET SOMEONE STOLE MY CAPS LOCK KEY?
[meeting at amc network]
“Okay so how can we make everyone in Walking Dead look like they smell even worse this season?”
My dog, a descendant of the wolf, runs to me and cries when a leaf gets stuck to his paw
Dating is just wondering why some people are single and figuring it out.
A haunted house for introverts that is just random people popping out and asking questions.
Me: Please drink your milk.
Me: Please drink your milk.
Me: Don’t forget about your milk.
Me: Have you drank your milk?
Me: Drink. Your. Milk.
3: Yuck, this milk is warm.
[naming god’s creations]
mammal 93: [waiting in line] i can’t wait to hang out with you on earth
insect 7: me neither. you’re my best friend
angel: next! insect 7, you are now an ant
insect 7: yay!
angel: mammal 93, you are now an anteater
mammal 93: ya- wait wut?
I don’t understand what someone gets out of arguing with a complete stranger.
Fight with your family like the rest of us.
the concept of a courtroom sketch artist is so funny to me. here’s our little murder doodler