overrated: crying in the shower
underrated: using the shower rack for all the assorted condiments for your shower tacos
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Never understood the desperation behind placing ur order in English at KFC/McD. Heard a guy practicing his order while sanding in the queue.
Every person you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Make it worse by asking if they’re drinking enough water.
[Freddy Krueger comes to kill me in my nightmare]
Me: OMG I can’t believe I’m actually sleeping.
Last-minute gift idea!
Daughter: Mommy, where does lightning come from?
Me: Well sweetie, when you don’t clean your room, the universe gets very very angry…
I was the only one who would bake with my grandmother. When she died she left her best recipe to everyone except she deliberately left out a crucial step as payback. That’s the level of petty I aspire to.
of course they’re your soulmate you only know 15 people
“I’ll never forget you Jack”
“Can I float on that wood too, Rose?”
“I’ll always remember you”
“Seems like there’s room for–”
“Goodbye Jack”
Cashier: Hello
Me: Is it me your looking for… I can see it in your eyes..
Cashier:…
Me: Sorry, this is my first rap battle.
Therapist: so… that’s not a metaphor? you literally live in a maze?
Minotaur: well yeah, I- wait is that bad? why are you writing
Him: I think we should
Me: crack open a beer?
H: do something this afternoon
M: drink beer?
H: something outside
M: beer in the sun?
H: I was thinking more of
M: wine?
H: ….
“Go ahead, caller. . .”
“Yes, hello. My dog dug up a femur and I’d like to make soup. Would you suggest carrots or potatoes?”
I have decided to switch to a spite-based diet
Terminator vs Alien vs Predator vs Robocop vs a toddler who hasn’t had a nap.
I hope Alan is OK
Before coffee:
The sun is stupid. My bed is stupid. These clothes are stupid. People are stupid. Work is stupid…After coffee:
Everything is still stupid, but with more energy
You miss 100% of the curbs you don’t take.
[job interview]
“So what are your goals for working here?”
To be home by 5
THE GIRL SCOUTS ANNOUNCED A NEW COOKIE NAMED RASPBERRY RALLY AND IF THEY THINK THEY’RE GOING TO GET ME TO BUY MORE OF THEIR UNHEALTHY, FATTENING COOKIES TO RUIN MY DIET, I’ll take 25 boxes please.
*drops pizza slice on the floor
Hey can I get another slice?
*eats slice that fell on the floor then eats new slice
FBI: “Report anything that seems suspicious”
Citizens: “Jet fuel can’t melt steel beams”
FBI: “K like not anything anything”
“That’s horrible ! I’m never getting married !”
– My 9yo, after I told her my wife and I no longer surprise each other with gifts, we just tell each other what we want
*puts ex in Memory Lane*
*revs car engine*
If you wondered if I was on the naughty list this year, I should probably tell you that the best gift I got was a packing peanut.
safety message: make your coffee before assisting others with their coffee
When I die I want to be dressed like a scuba diver and placed on top of Mount Everest to confuse the climbers
me: dave and i go way back. we served together for 8 years
her: oh wow. army? navy?
me: olive garden
Day 2 of my diet
🤷🏽♀️🤦🏽♀️😩
Inflation has me feeling like I’m back in college cause I’m living off of ramen most days.