overrated: crying in the shower
underrated: using the shower rack for all the assorted condiments for your shower tacos
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If you want to intimidate anyone with your screaming and honking, you may need to rethink those reindeer antlers on your car.
Satan why do u have pitchfork? Lotta hay in hell is there? Ok idiot
7yr old: What’s 10+10+10+25+25+5+1+1?
Me: Math
Me: I just want to be the center of someone’s universe
*has kids*
Also me: Not like that
Things I have learned by sliding across the hood of my car:
Either I weigh more than Bo Duke, or they just don’t make em like they used to.
Vacation Summary:
I ate so much that I now have my own gravitational field.
My kid asked where babies come from and I said everywhere, man, they’re worldwide.
Finding $5 you didn’t know you had is awesome til you realize you’re 34, it’s 2011 & $5 won’t even buy enough gas to drive you off a cliff.
Please don’t ruin it for me by saying, “You don’t know where that’s been,” when I find something cool on the ground.
DJ: WAVE YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR LIKE YOU JUST DON’T CARE
*crowd nervously looks at each other
*meek yet courageous man steps up
M: No.
“Goddamn you’re so well put together I can’t wait to take you apart” sounded way sexier and less serial-killery in my head
I wish I loved anything as much as my two year old loves pulling my pants down.
Me (doing an unboxing video for a repressed memory): wow guys this is a GREAT haul
My therapist: no
My girlfriend bought a bag from another woman on FB marketplace…she had me go pick it up and I wound up grabbing it from…the other woman’s boyfriend, whom she had dispatched to hand it over
I’m giving up being poor for Lent so send me your credit card details
At this rate, I can’t wait to see what the holiday decorations look like.
People that use big words, but not in the right context, are just trying to be ambidextrous.
[toddler birthday party]
Stranger: my child is 36 months old. how old is yours?
Wife: mine’s-
Me: hey babe, I hurt my toe in the bouncy house. can you drive to the ER so I can eat my cake?
Wife: -432 months.
It was love at first sight. Then she mentioned she didn’t drink. Thus ended the shortest relationship of my life.
I’m not saying I don’t like people… but if someone walks toward me in a library, I’ll plug my headphones into the book I’m reading.
Why does every toy in Toy Story always stop moving when a human is around? Who do they answer to? Who created that rule ? WHO IS THEIR GOD?
Therapist: let go of my collar
MOSES: Cool thinkpiece
GOD: It’s a list of commandments. Not everything is a thinkpiece! Jesus Christ
MOSES: Who?
GOD: Oops, sorry. Spoilers
HER: It’s a gender reveal party.
ME: To tell the sex of the baby.
HER: You have to stop calling it a sex party.
Guy: [strolling along] Well, at least I have my heal- *piano falls on his head*
Me: [leaning out my apartment window] Oh no! My piano!
Pot smokers like to say it’s safe because it’s natural. Other safe natural things include sunburn, poison ivy, and being eaten by a bear.
mom, dad i’d like you to meet someone, this is hornyboy12 he slid into my DMs to tell me he’s in love with me based on the highly curated version of myself i present online we’re gonna get married
Friend: You’ll find love again.
Me: STOP THREATENING ME
Well, well, well, if it isn’t the feelings I’ve been trying to avoid.
oh you love me? name every curb i’ve ever hit while driving
Please tell me there’s a veterinary text on ruminants called Graze Anatomy